On Are Dolphins Talking About Us Behind Our Backs?

I don't mind the dolphins talking about us behind our backs. It's that constant, grating laughter that drives me nuts.

Posted on October 2, 2010 at 12:04 am 0

On Everyone Gave Up On Explaining Finance To Us Dummies

Kocherlakota? Are these the Sioux that are held in shtetls in Eastern Europe?

Posted on August 30, 2010 at 8:47 pm 0

On The Second Worst Supergroup Of All Time

I have to say, I still feel a lot of guilt for turning my younger brother onto Rush. It was a quick musical interlude in my life, but he's never moved on.

Posted on August 20, 2010 at 2:34 pm 0

On Stephen Tobolowsky: The X Factor, Part 2

Come on, Stephen, I call shenanigans on this one. Even I, a North Carolina redneck, knew who you were when The Awl ran your first piece. I was delighted that they ran it and it was every bit as good as I thought it would be. These guys in the waiting room knew who you were, they just didn't have your self-confidence. Keep posting your work here!

Posted on August 18, 2010 at 2:40 pm 0

On Am I Gullible, Or Are These People Actually Racists?

Yeah, I was gonna write "bullshit," but I had already put that very phrase in his mouth a sentence or two earlier and was trying not to make the man sound like Forrest Gump.

Posted on July 29, 2010 at 8:57 am 0

On Am I Gullible, Or Are These People Actually Racists?

Probably apocryphal story: It is a normal weekday afternoon in the U.S. Capitol in the mid-1950s. A newshound (they don't exist anymore) walking past the side entrance to the U.S. Senate and notices Sen. Lyndon Baines Johnson (D-Texas) leaning against a wall and sobbing, his chest heaving up and down. Our ink-stained wretch has never seen Johnson in such emotional turmoil.

"Senator, are you okay?" the reporter asks.

"Yeah, yeah," Johnson replies, waving his hand at the man. "It's just that...well, I got an election coming up back home and I needed to shore up the white vote, so I just laid a 15-minute rip snorter from the podium. Called that Rev. King every bad name in the book."

"So, you're ashamed at showing people what a racist you are?" The reporter asked.

"Oh, hell no," Johnson replies. "The reverend and all the egghead liberals know that's just bullshit I spout every now and then to keep the white voters happy back home."

"So, why are you so sad?" the reporter, now thoroughly confused, asks.

"I ain't sad, son. As soon as I got done speaking, ole Strom Thurmond shot out of his seat like his ass was lacquered with turpentine and demanded that the Vice-President allow him to follow me at the podium. He's been goin' straight at the top of his lungs for the last hour and he ain't showin' any signs of winding down anytime soon.

"So you feel guilty about encouraging Sen. Thurmond to make a speech against black people?"

"Oh, hell, no," Johnson replies, then begins howling with laughter. "I just think it's hilarious that he actually believes all that nonsense!"

Posted on July 28, 2010 at 5:21 pm 0

On New York Is About To Take It From Behind, Warns Palin Fan

I formally give up. I'll try to get the wretched, anal-fixated creep's name next time.

Posted on July 22, 2010 at 4:52 pm 0

On New York Is About To Take It From Behind, Warns Palin Fan

As is Trish Lehman White! (Idiot!)

Posted on July 22, 2010 at 1:43 pm 0

On New York Is About To Take It From Behind, Warns Palin Fan

Wow! The only message I got from that was that Trish Lehmann White is an hysterical bigot.

Posted on July 22, 2010 at 1:42 pm 0

On Tortured, Near-Drowned Donkey Gets Russian Parasailing Company In Trouble

Ever seen the "Old Yeller" of donkey movies?: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060138/

Posted on July 21, 2010 at 12:10 am 0