Killer Cops And Newspaper Wars On The California Coast

"America's largest open-air mental hospital," that's how Oceanside police spokesman Bob George described this run-down coastal city between Camp Pendleton and the surfer towns of North San Diego County. I called it the Slum by the Sea. Despite the miles of beach and the beautiful old Spanish mission and the Southern California weather, Oceanside was a honky tonk Marine Corps town on the west side of Interstate 5 and a sprawling mess of trailer parks and starter-home suburbs to the east. READ MORE

Fatal Beaver Attack Leaves Man Dead Because It Was a Fatal Attack

Every day, humans kill millions of animals. We kill them in the hideous industrial slaughterhouses, we kill them with our F-350s barreling down the county road, we kill them with gigantic fish-harvesting scrapers dragged along the ocean floor, we kill them at the "Humane Society," and we kill them when they've made the critical mistake of surfacing near our ugly houses. But it is only News when an "unlikely" animal finally has enough of this constant holocaust and decides to "kill back" a human. READ MORE

How Will You Let Google Handle Your Impending Death?

Death approaches, for one and all. But what about our important data stored within free services that Google may or may not shut down before our death? For this, there's Google Afterlife. It's not called Google Afterlife, but that's just what some tech writers have named it, because "Inactive Account Manager" sounds like something Verizon would do to you for $6.99 a month, in or out of the grave. READ MORE

Next Election To Be Decided By Wizards

Nearly half of all voters are so dumb they'll completely change their strongly held political beliefs if you give them a piece of paper with opposite beliefs, researchers have discovered. Even the youngest wizards and witches can perform such simple magic, meaning that all future elections will be decided by our oldest and still most believable religious system: magic. READ MORE

14% Slowdown In PC Sales Probably Just Like When Giant Asteroid Struck Earth

"Yes, a meteor or comet was the death blow. But the giant lizards were already in trouble when the impact came. Giant herbivores that reached 80 tons had deforested more and more land and had to go far and wide for food. The predators and scavengers that lived off of them struggled to keep up. It wasn’t exactly good times before the sky would go dark and the volcanoes would erupt." READ MORE

Tech Billionaire Selflessly Launches Political Group To Help His Company

"Across America," Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg writes in today's Washington Post, "creative, hardworking people in coffee shops, dorm rooms and garages are creating the next era of growth." READ MORE

Post Office Just Kidding About That "No Mail On Saturday" Thing

Now that we've all adjusted to the "no mail delivery on Saturday" deal and realized we don't really care because what comes in the mail besides the Pennysaver and scary notices from the IRS, the U.S. Postal Service announced today that mail delivery will continue on Saturdays. READ MORE

Rand Paul Has Something To Say To Today's African-American Kids

"And here I am today at Howard, a historically black college. Here I am, a guy who once presumed to discuss a section of the Civil Rights Act. Some have said that I’m either brave or crazy to be here today. I’ve never been one to watch the world go by without participating. I wake up each day hoping to make a difference. I take to heart the words of Toni Morrison of Howard University, who wrote: 'If there is a book you really want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.'" READ MORE

Skin Cancer Survivors Still Enjoy Tanning Beds

Researchers cannot even believe what they're hearing from melanoma survivors these days, because a shocking 27.7% of survivors of the horrible skin cancer still aren't wearing sunscreen when they're out in the sun. But the ultimate thrill seekers are the 2% of melanoma survivors who continue to use tanning beds. There is something kind of fantastic about a melanoma patient paying money to a tanning salon—it's like those old dudes who smoke through the hole in their throat. READ MORE

Blue Angels Air Shows, the Only Live Theater Real Americans Love, Shut Down By Sequester

There's nothing like going out to some sun-blasted airfield an hour outside of town to see the famous Blue Angels fly around so close to each other that you never know when they'll crash into the spectators—it's the perfect mix of NASCAR and military worship, and Republicans in Congress have shut down this beloved display of air superiority. READ MORE