Just wanna say, I've had a similar relationship to the guy you speak of in the letter, and THANK GOD I was lucky enough to not get pregnant. Because I think I would feel exactly the way you do and so I sympathize with you 1000%. However, if this scenario did happen to me, I would think primarily of how it would affect the kid. Would the kid be OK not having a father (or second parent) in their life? Would I be able to provide enough for the kid? In all honestly for my situation (I'm 24) I would have to say no, and I would most likely terminate the pregnancy. I assume though that at your age you are much more mature, organized, and prepared than I would be. I hope this comment doen't muddle your decision, but I wanted to throw in my two cents.
"Not even Oprah fucking Winfrey got that level of respect—Anna Wintour famously asked her to lose weight before her 1998 cover. Let's take a moment and think about that. Oprah fucking Winfrey, one of the rare women who has more wealth, power, and fame than Anna Wintour (particularly at this time, which was both pre-The Devil Wears Prada and pre-September Issue image reboot for Wintour), allowed a Condé Nast publication to tell her what sort of body she needed to have before she could be considered Vogue material."
Not only that, but she's one of the few women that has more power and money than a lot of men in this world, which I think is important to note. No one would ask Roger Ailes, Michael Bloomberg, or Hugh Hefner to shape up or ship out before appearing on the cover of a magazine. Hell, they probably wouldn't even wear makeup, as magazines like Esquire and Time seem to fancy that old-man-wrinkles look, as if it defines experience and courage, like battle scars or the rings of a tree.
I almost went to SLU. They gave me 10k a year in scholarship money but it still wasn't enough. 6 years later I graudated from Truman State and have a less than a years worth of SLU tuition in debt for my 4 years there.
"What's nuts is that it's sometimes easier to feel feelings for a guy who's WRONG for you and essentially uninterested and unavailable than it is to fall for someone who's totally and completely in your life, present, willing, interested, invested, etc."
It IS nuts! I'm in a situation like that right now, where I've started seeing a guy that is really cute, smart, funny, interesting, etc. but on the other side I have a, ahem, guy on the side who is probably wrong for me for all the right reasons and yet I feel like I'm more interested in that than the one I know I sould be pursuing. I guess I'm concerned that maybe the natural attraction just isn't there as much for the first guy, but I don't know! It's also probably way too soon to tell.
But be comforted, LW, you are not alone.
I've been in a similar place before, so I completely sympathise. Although this is not exactly the same, I'll explain: in college I had a friend who I introduced to my social group. Before this she never really drank alcohol, which we did, to a respectful amount however. She pretty much went overboard with it. I don't know if it was to fit in (none of us drank THAT much) or to deal with other personal issues. Anyway, she really put herself in some scary situations. We kept helping her out even though I started to feel that I was enabling her to continue this behavior, while everyone else just went along with it and was afraid to say anything. I even thought her life was on the line! Eventually, I pulled her aside and told her that I thought she had a serious issue with alcohol. She brushed it off. So I told her that I was refusing, from this point onward, to help her if she was drinking, because I felt I had become an enabler. She did not take this well. And neither did my friends. I became incredibly frustrated when my group would continue to put me down for trying to save someone's life, while they continued to put up with her dangerous behavior. So, I ended up having to cut out a lot of those friends. In the end, I was at a party where she was also, drinking like 5 Steel Reserves in a matter of hours. I was told to leave by one of the old friends to avoid an altercation but I was completely sober and knew I wouldn't let that happen. She was put upstairs in someone's bedroom at the party to sleep it off, but ended up trashing the room in a drunken rage (not sure what caused it) and vomited all over the owner's belongings, as well as other things brought by guests of the party. It was such a disaster that I believe it shocked both the girl and the group of friends. I still didn't rekindle any type of relationship with any of them after that, but I did feel a lot of resentment afterwards, and some today, about how I was treated.
Point here is, it can take awhile to realize that a group of friends you have, not matter how it was in the past, could be detrimental to you. I know at the beginning you talk about how everyone else is awesome except for Jessica. Then why don't they understand how you feel? Why are they defending her? Just some thoughts on the matter.
It REALLY does help when you can finally let go. Even if you can't process and acquire everything Polly outlines above, in the end you can tell yourself "It really doesn't matter." Because, well, it REALLY DOESN'T MATTER. It does hurt at first for awhile even when you tell yourself that but with time and acceptance that IT DOESN'T MATTER you will feel so much better and more open and willing to accept new people in your life.