On Everyone's Secret History

@ejcsanfran : Southern CT State University, obviously (everyone streaks at the Buley Library! It's tradition since 1893!).

I mean, I'd brag like crazy if I'd gone to Albertus Magnus, so that can't be it.

Posted on April 9, 2014 at 10:58 am 0

On Everyone's Secret History

Man, I do not understand how time works at all.

1. "A few months ago," the author is streaking through his college library.
2. "About a month after," he becomes "a freshly minted university graduate."
3. "Now, eleven months after graduation," he is in NYC.
4. "A few months ago," he writes, "I made an unplanned trip to my alma mater ... the brilliant yellows and deep reds of the leaves were exactly as I remembered them ..."

Wait, what?

So is "a few months" six or so months ago, in the fall of 2013, or is "a few months" eleven + 1 = like, a damn year ago? And who says "a few months" for anything more than half a year? It's HALF A FUCKING YEAR AGO, OR MAYBE A YEAR, FORGET IT JAKE, IT'S CHINATOWN AN UNNAMED NEW HAVEN SCHOOL.

Posted on April 9, 2014 at 10:56 am 1

On Feelings Had

Trigger warning, please.

Alternate take : SPOILERS.

Posted on April 3, 2014 at 10:22 am 0

On New Yorkers Maybe Aren't All Killing Themselves

If you can make it here, etc. etc.

Posted on March 31, 2014 at 10:50 am 0

On The Tragic Life of Ugly Birds

Now that you've helped him, thanks to crows' ability to recognize humans by face and remember whether you were nice or mean to them, your rescued crow now sees you as a friend.

He'll be on your windowsill in the mornings, and will caw at you from a telephone pole when you walk out your front door ("caw, CAW caw" means "hey, buddy, thanks for helping me out.")

He'll swoop down to warn you that you almost stepped in front of a taxi, and boy will you be grateful.

When you go to the market to buy fruit, you'll be about to buy a bag of figs, but the crow will hop up on the box and will cock his head dubiously and go "CRWWWAAK" and you'll remember that figs give you diarrhea and you'll buy oranges instead, and you'll share one with the crow and he'll get orange pulp all over and you'll laugh and laugh.

You'll be on a blind date at an outdoor cafe, and the crow will realize it's going badly and will knock over a tray full of glasses on your date's lap and you'll be all "favor returned! Thanks, crow-bro!" and then you'll high-five and ride off on your moped with your crow buddy perched on the handlebars, cawing away into the Mumbai sunset.

Roll credits.

Posted on March 31, 2014 at 9:23 am 1

On On Lena, On Rihanna, On Kimye: The Very Necessary Death Of "Vogue"

@hockeymom : Khloe did say to one of the contestants, and I quote,"I honestly want to skin you alive and wear your body" so it may be a whole SERIAL KILLER FAMILY (!!!)

Alternate take : Their dad does give off a sort of Leatherface vibe, but that may just be his leathery face.

Posted on March 24, 2014 at 7:49 pm 1

On On Lena, On Rihanna, On Kimye: The Very Necessary Death Of "Vogue"

@IBentMyWookie : On the third hand, Khloe Kardashian was the guest judge on RuPaul's Drag Race a couple weeks ago, and she was easily one of the top two or three guest judges I've ever seen on that show. She was funny, she was witty, and she had really good calls on what was working for each contestant and what wasn't. So what I'm saying is, I feel weird about everything I've ever believed, now.

Posted on March 24, 2014 at 4:58 pm 0

On On Lena, On Rihanna, On Kimye: The Very Necessary Death Of "Vogue"

@IBentMyWookie : "What I hope is that the Kimye cover is the first sign that Vogue has decided to renegotiate their place in what is the graveyard we call print media."

My inner copy editor is screaming through clenched teeth.

Posted on March 24, 2014 at 3:13 pm 4

On On Lena, On Rihanna, On Kimye: The Very Necessary Death Of "Vogue"

Vogue Italia was the longstanding holdout of "no celebrities on the cover" until this February, when -- Sofia Coppola. Not that I have anything against Sofia there, but DAMN. Anna Piaggi and her tiny hats, rolling in their respective graves.

Still, it's not like I'm cancelling my subscription. If nothing else, Steven Meisel's continued tenure ensures that every issue's main spread has a 50/50 chance of being "La Femme Nikita / TSA patdown slashfic" or "models terrified by 20-foot-tall baby dolls" or what have you, and no amount of Sofia Coppola will change that.

And yet, and yet.

Posted on March 24, 2014 at 1:26 pm 0

On What's Behind This Totally Nonexistent Epidemic Of Banker Suicides?

Wake me when this prophecy self-fulfils.

Posted on March 24, 2014 at 11:51 am 0