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By Susan Tidebeck on The Male Topknot Takes New York

The one time I got crabs was from a guy that wore his hair like this. Just saying.

Posted on April 25, 2014 at 12:03 pm 3

By C_Webb on "Bring Back Bloomberg"! Rich Horrorshows Freak Out Over Fake Snowstorm Class War In Pinhead Rag

What ever happened to grace under pressure? ("Look, Muffy. A snowstorm for us.")

Posted on January 22, 2014 at 10:09 am 1

By jolie on The Insane Whole Foods Gowanus Is Open For Your Gentrifying Needs

I know this is tremendously uncharitable, and I truly promise that I felt bad one split second after I thought it, but my immediate reaction when I saw the first photo of this ridiculous store/group of people/event that is A Thing In Our Lives Now was, "I hope the ceiling collapses."

Anyway. I figured if there was anyone out there who would understand, that person would probably be reading The Awl.

Posted on December 17, 2013 at 11:21 am 9

By melis on Ask Polly: I'm Almost 30 And I'm Terrified Of Losing My Looks

Ah, my face. My face, my face, my oldest and my only friend. Where were you when the mountains rose up out of the sea so they could admire their stern and rockbound reflections? Nowhere. But my face was there. Where were you when the mighty larch, the noble pone, the sky-bound sequoia thrust themselves out of the black and stinking ground to glory in the light of the sun? Staring, whimpering and afraid. But my face was there, looking amazing. When my face leaves, all wonder and joy will depart from the world, and I shall term myself Ichabod, for truly has glory left the house of Israel.

I will make myself a house of stones and leaves, and live by the river, and be silent, when my face has gone.

My beautiful, very beautiful face, that is so beautiful.

Posted on July 17, 2013 at 5:03 pm 8

By Antennapedia on Ask Polly: I'm Almost 30 And I'm Terrified Of Losing My Looks

@BoatGirl Right??? I read "Dreamy, enraptured looks" and the less charitable part of me just said "Oh, Honey. That's BOREDOM you're seeing. Because you're BORING."

Posted on July 17, 2013 at 4:50 pm 5

By HeatherH on Ask Polly: Give Me One Reason Why I Shouldn't Cheat On My Wife

@cherrispryte "Fat face" isn't an arbitrary insult, it's a 2nd grader's insult, which is what I was going for. It's the kind of insult that springs to mind when your I Want To Cheat On You husband demands sexual favors. Was I implying that said husband was overweight? No. Just that his face looks bloated when he doesn't help with the dishes.

Posted on July 10, 2013 at 4:25 pm 10

By Clarence Rosario on Asshole College Kids Apparently Now Way Worse Than Ever

The best part is when MSNBC reporters were told to lie on the ground. The police are now just fucking with the media.

Posted on April 19, 2013 at 10:57 am 5

By LondonLee on Why Is Woman So Disliked?

So we don't hate Gwyneth Paltrow anymore?

Posted on February 28, 2013 at 3:06 pm 1

By bshep on Ask Polly: How Do I Stop Panicking And Crying Over The Slightest Criticism?

This would all be so much easier if instead of reassuring LW#2 that she isn't old, we lived in a world where we could reassure her that it's ok to be female and middle aged or old. No issues whatsoever with anything anyone's saying, I just think that if she felt less horrified by the thought of taking an art class with, say, ME, she'd feel better about the whole aging thing in general (whether single or not).

Posted on February 27, 2013 at 6:15 pm 5

By cherrispryte on It May Not Be Evil But Quinoa Does Pretty Much Suck

Ooh, while you're there, turn the oven on for pizza, will you?

Posted on January 25, 2013 at 4:36 pm 2