On Make $2000 Working from Home, Ask Me How (Spoiler: By Finding a Cat)
This movie writes itself.
- He's not my cat.
- Ms. Sheehan --
- I don't know who he is, or why he's saying he's BeeBop, but there's clearly been some kind of mistake.
- We agreed you would give him time to adjust --
- He's four inches shorter than BeeBop. Cats his age don't shrink. If anything, he should be taller.
- Maybe your measurements are off. Look, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for --
- He's circumcised. BeeBop wasn't.
- Mrs. Sheehan...your cat was missing for 11 months. For at least part of that in the company of an as-yet unidentified drifter. Who knows what such a disturbed individual might have done? He could have had him...circumcised.
- Who circumsises a cat?
- Maybe someone who thought it...looked better...neater?
2
On Dinner List Unlikely
George W. Bush: What do you think, Jesus?
Jesus:
Winston Churchill: He's a bit of a quiet one, isn't he?
George W. Bush: He hasn't said a word all night. Jesus. Jesus? Jesus.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis: Sir, I don't think you should -
George W. Bush: Jesus! JESUS! ARE... YOU... OH... KAY?
Kirk Nieuwenhuis: - bother... him.
Jesus: Mene, Mene, Tekel u-Pharsin.
George W. Bush: Say what?
Winston Churchill: Dear lord, apparently the old boy doesn't speak a word of English.
George W. Bush: I think he just wants a little vino.
Winston Churchill: I'm rather parched myself.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis: You know, maybe this was a bad idea.
5
On Ignorant Backwater Bans Restaurant with the Name "Fuku"
This is bad news for Fuckrudder's.
2
On Greedy Website Vile
@Mr. B The U.S. Juggalogical Survey is reporting a boobquake measuring 44DD in magnitude has just struck the main stage at The Pink Pony... and her name is Ashley. Give it up for Ashley, gentlemen! Remember to tip your servers.
4
On Your Copy Editor Hates Your Book Adapted from Your Twitter
"I am currently copyediting my second Twitter-to-book manuscript in a month." #Humblebrag
0
On The Only Way We Will Eat Less Is By Tricking Ourselves With Magic Glasses
Me: Tell me, doctor. Is the process you describe... reversible?
Dr. Hirosi: Reversible?
Me: I mean is it possible to make things appear smaller?
Dr. Hirosi: I, I suppose it is, but why -
Me: So, theoretically, if one were to reverse the process, it would be possible to make the things which one consumes look... smaller?
Dr. Hirosi: Well, yes.
Me: And this process, this effect, will it work for liquids?
Dr. Hirosi: It will work for anything.
Me: Anything?
Dr. Hirosi: Yes, of course. Anything viewed through the goggles will appear larger. Or, if you like, smaller, but -
Me: I want to try it.
Dr. Hirosi: Try it?
Me: I want to try it the other way. I want to try it on a glass of whiskey.
Dr. Hirosi: Whiskey.
Me: Yes, whiskey. Right now. (Pours whiskey, puts on goggles).
Dr. Hirosi: Your glass holds approximately 12 ounces. The goggles shrink that to two ounces.
Me: My God. Would you look at that? (Slams down whiskey). Let's do it again.
Dr. Hirosi: Again?
Me: Fill 'er up, doc.
Dr. Hirosi: (Reluctantly refills glass)
Me: Don't be stingy.
Dr. Hirosi: But the results will be -
Me: (Slams down whiskey) Ah! Let's give her another go, doc, whaddayasay?
Dr. Hirosi: You've just had more than a pint of whiskey.
Me: Nope, I've had four ounces. Goggles said so.
Dr. Hirosi: But the optical perception is unrelated to -
Me: Words, words, words. Too many words! Hit me again, doc. And I'll take a dozen of these goggles for the fellas down at Duffy's. What a hoot!
0
On Lana Del Ray, "Carmen"
I'll never forget the disappointment I felt upon learning that Lana Del Ray is a singer and not the name of a racehorse.
2
On Secrets Of The 'Hustler' Style Guide
I think we can all agree the porn magazine with the worst copy editing is "Juggs."
3
On Man Storms Off Internet: Goodbye, Chris Jones!
You think I don't know the score? Really? Because I know. Oh, that's right. I know the score. Because I keep the score, baby. That's right. I'm a goddamned scorekeeper. I'm serious. Wait, you honestly believe I don't keep score? Because I'm being completely honest with you. I keep score. I shit you not. I am keeping score right this very minute. Oh yes I am. What? You think I can't talk to you and keep score at the same time? Please. I keep score in my sleep. You know how some people get up every day and go to work and shuffle papers or dig ditches or whatever? Well, I do the same thing, but for scores. That's right. I keep score for a motherfucking living, man. How? Like everybody else, that's how. It's all the same; New York, Boston, Philly, L.A. Even Cleveland. Don't matter. Everybody keeps score the same. Got to. Let me show you. See, whenever the ball goes through the net? I push a button. Like this. That's for one point. This one here? For two. Now sometimes, if the shot is behind that dark blue arc out there? No, the farther one. I press this button. That's for three. But mostly it's the two button. That's probably why it looks all worn down compared to the others. That's pretty much it. Alright, halftime's almost over. I gotta focus. Told you I keep score though, didn't I?
12
On Things I Didn't Get To Eat (Or Drink) At The Great GoogaMooga
INT. APARTMENT BATHROOM - DAY
Staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror over the sink, Gary runs a hand over his freshly-shaved scalp. Satisfied, he begins to shave his eyebrows.
GARY (V.O.)
People always talk about how humans create pollution, but here humans just are pollution. This city's like one gigantic human dumpster. Well... it's time somebody took out the trash.