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On Ask Polly: How Do I Stop Hating Myself For Getting Black-Out Drunk?

@Paranoid/Drunk Okay. So. You are already well aware that there is something wrong. Wrong enough to write an advice column about it. You are not looking for advice; this is not a memory issue. Your problem isn't special or unique, you are not in any way alone. You are looking for permission to change yourself, to fix yourself.

You have our permission. Go. Call your therapist and tell them it's an emergency, call a crisis hotline, go to your nearest hospital, go ask for help. Whatever it takes, go. Go now. Do not overthink it, do not sit here replying to all the commenters in this thread, do not allow yourself to distract yourself.

Take action. You have our blessing.

Posted on March 5, 2014 at 3:45 pm 1

On Ask Polly: How Do I Stop Hating Myself For Getting Black-Out Drunk?

...What is a "K-hole"? It does not sound pleasant.

Posted on March 5, 2014 at 3:26 pm 0

On Ask Polly: If I Dump My Needy Girlfriend, I'm Afraid I'll Ruin Her Life!

"Honestly, it does sound like you have a tendency to "help" in ways that are a little controlling...When you need your partner to match you perfectly, and to substantiate all of your habits, good and bad, by mirroring them back to you?"

LW, are you my previous boyfriend? Jesus. I heard so many variations on the song "You're not doing everything in your life exactly as I would have done it, and ignoring the plans I have carefully laid out for you to follow to the letter! You're a failure! There's something deeply and terribly wrong with you!" Yipes, I could have used this column like three or four years ago.

Posted on November 26, 2013 at 1:07 pm 1

On Ask Polly: How Do I Find True Love And Stop Dating Half-Assed Men?

@moderniste I don't "gotta" do anything. If I'm interested in them, I'll let them know. Pursuit is such a tremendous turnoff.

Posted on October 18, 2013 at 10:49 am 0

On Ask Polly: How Do I Find True Love And Stop Dating Half-Assed Men?

Pursuit is a mixed bag. People who pursue me wouldn't know what the fuck to do with me if they caught me. Sometimes pursuit is just bluster, a different sort of mask, till I raise a single eyebrow, give a little smug half-smile, and say, "okay", and just like that, they flee in abject terror.

Posted on October 17, 2013 at 11:58 am 3

On Why Do You Animals Flush The Toilet With Your Feet?

I don't...how do you...what? That's insane. Almost as insane as the people who spend five minutes industriously laying the seat of the toilet with a wedding cake thickness of toilet paper before putting their delicate butt on it, then walking off (presumably, now, having flushed with their dirty-ass shoe) LEAVING IT ON THE SEAT for the person behind them to take care of. Or the people that manage to poop on the floor, which, if someone can tell me how this happens, when adults in full control of their motor and sphincter faculties can poop on the floor, I want to know. At least, in a gaping-at-a-car-accident kind of way.

Why are people so weird about bathrooms, basically, is my question. I cannot get over flushing with one's foot. I have never heard of this, ever in life.

Posted on October 7, 2013 at 4:04 pm 2

On Mister Softee Jingle Lyrics NOT An Incessant Stream Of Profanity, Apparently

This is the best song of all time.

Posted on August 15, 2013 at 12:09 pm 0

On Ask Polly: Give Me One Reason Why I Shouldn't Cheat On My Wife

@Olivia2.0 My guess is that it's because this asshole couldn't actually remember their names.

Posted on July 10, 2013 at 5:43 pm 4

On Ken Hoinsky On Seduction, Women And Mistakes

@antarctica starts here Yeah, no, that sentence filled me with such inexpressible rage I had to walk away from my computer. "Gosh, if you don't want to be sexually assaulted, just walk away, bitch."

Posted on June 24, 2013 at 2:03 pm 5

On Would You Be Able To Tell The Difference Between A Robot Actor And, Say, Ryan O'Neal?

If you want Calculon to race to the laser gun battle in his hover-Ferrari, press one. If you want Calculon to double-check his paperwork, press two. Enter now.

Posted on February 14, 2013 at 11:51 am 3