@John Herrman Oh wow! Sorry, I didn't realize this was the same article. So fascinating!
Wait, is that true about Captain America?!
In other Chris Evans related news, yes, Snowpiercer is good, oh yes it really is.
@rhodan I've met a couple of the loopy ones! Yours sounds like the one in the Ask Polly column about the girl who was dumped over Skype by some guy in his boxer shorts on her mom's deathday. I always find it hard to have empathy for such guys, but I try & see it as them wanting to be vulnerable, but being too scared to try in the long term, or too desperate for breezy, short term community/friendship/connection to ever dedicate themselves to the self-reflection and thus self-awareness needed to get close to people.
Although I would be surprised if that guy didn't loop back into your life! They always tend to come back.
@tealily what will happen when you have to face a trauma together? when you have a baby who gets sick, a dog you have to put down, a hard job situation? That's why the reaction is important: it determines whether he can show up when both of you have to deal with something together as a team. Perhaps you don't see yourself getting married to this guy -- oh wait, I just saw you do. Maybe you have a familial or friend structure where you will have people to lean on no matter what when it comes to trauma, and maybe that's okay for you -- but personally I can't understand why you would be okay with it. What does he give you if not a shoulder to lean on, a partner in strife?
Beyond that, do you show up for him? Has he not been through trauma in the past few years? Something tells me either he hasn't, or he doesn't discuss it with you. If it's the former, you will grow out of him. If it's the latter, then maybe you should ask yourself why you are fine not guiding him through trauma. Also, maybe it's option #3, where you DO guide him through trauma -- are you okay with you being there for him and not vice versa?
OR OR you will go through trauma or grief together and will both show up and will be there for each other. But I don't know if I see that happening...
LW1: I think you have to focus on the idea of "what other people think of me is none of my business."
The pursuits you list -- piano, chorus, literary, badass lady singers, cooking, etc. -- don't strike me as gay in the least. They seem sensitive and thoughtful, like Pi from Life of Pi, Mark from Empire Records, Seth from The OC, Y from Y the Last Man, Josh Groban, heck, Hugh Jackman...
Maybe the problem here is because you aren't seeing other/most guys doing the things you do. You don't see your identity as a sweet, sensitive, artistic individual represented around you, so when other people try to give you the identity of "gay" because of these qualities, you wonder if they're right because you don't see anyone else like you around. Because (other than being attracted to you) why else would they try and figure you out this way? They want to pinpoint your personality. They want to put you in a box in their heads. The problem here is you don't trust your own judgment and figure everyone else knows something about you that you don't. NOPE. Other people might get frustrated because they can't stick a pin in you and be done with it but whatever, their frustration is your problem.
Here is the thing: take some time, write in a journal, figure out what you want. Do you want to try hooking up with a guy? Why not try? Listen to your body when you do. Do you feel the revulsion that Polly talks about (you might!) or the intrigue I felt when a green girl at an LGBTQ event asked me to dance or the boredom you feel when you talk to someone who likes Korn and denigrates everything else? The thing is, it's the asking and assumptions that bother you because you don't have an answer. My answer is “I like who I like.” Is yours “I like what I like, and I like ladies”? Or, “no, are you?” If they don't accept your answer – if they ARGUE about WHO YOU ARE – tell them the conversation is over, because are they for real?
LW2: You're 14. 14 years old typically don't want to have sex (especially if there's no one they want to have sex WITH in the near vicinity). You are fine.
@hidflect Really? Well I'm glad she wrote back anyway -- I can relate to both of them.