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On The Weird Near Future of News

I'm just happy bar/coffee shop sandwich board writers have a brighter future (granted this job pays) (granted this job is fulfilling) (granted this job isn't a joke in disguise)

Posted on August 19, 2014 at 12:01 pm 1

On Put Your Phone Down

You know what's stupid? Fireworks. You know what's more stupid? Watching fireworks. Fireworks look the goddamn same every time. "No, no, here comes the finale!" No, it's the same thing over and over again. Sure, they're all different. There's loud one, bright ones, ones that burn trails in the sky. But really what are fireworks but an event to entertain children and scare dogs. Fuck fireworks. Fuck everything about them. Fuck "hey, we're going to check out the show. Wanna come with?" No. Fuck that.

Taking cellphone pictures of them is stupid. It's about the equivalent of taking pictures of the TV. You know what else people take pictures of? That's right. The TV. People are stupid. People will take pictures of the dumbest things. People take pictures of their genitals thinking they're doing something different when all they're doing is taking an ugly picture of something that was doing okay without their input. Cellphones aren't the problem, people are. People ruin everything.

Posted on July 7, 2014 at 11:06 am 4

On Why Do People Do It In The Women's Room?

RIP to the Blarney Cover where some dude was getting his "dick wet" with a girl and her sister in the bathroom until she stole Krucoff's phone which began the series of Very Bad Things and ended with NYU buying that block of East 14th but it's all cool because NYU is buying up all of Downtown Brooklyn dorm life amirite?

Posted on April 17, 2014 at 1:45 pm 0

On Don't Mention The Rats

This morning I read some tweets by people complaining to Mile End Deli over some overcharged debit cards. Then I read the feed of one of the people doing the complaining only to find more complaints about another restaurant (a rather upscale place). The end feeling was disgust at all these people upset over establishments I myself cannot afford to dine in, at least not enough to compare separate experiences. My first reaction was 'whatever'. Then it grew to 'wow, this restaurant takes itself a little too serious'. All of it finally culminated with the realization of no person in any of these discussions has anything of value to contribute. So when I see large vermin crawling over food in establishments I have frequently purchased "one extra large black coffee and a croissant" my first reaction is 'who gives a fuck?' because as someone who's worked inside a dining establishment... there's many more horrible things that go on. We're just lucky we never find out.

Posted on April 4, 2014 at 2:07 am 0

On What's Behind This Totally Nonexistent Epidemic Of Banker Suicides?

Because if you die on Wall Street you die in real life. So then like you get a job teaching somewhere or whatever.

Posted on March 25, 2014 at 11:44 am 0

On There's No Stopping The Phil Collins Revival

Sorry, but I was into Phil Collins since last year when like 10 people were emailing me YouTube embeds (against my will)

Posted on February 18, 2014 at 3:51 pm 0

On How Much Should A Writer Get Paid? A Conversation

Wait. Wait. Wait. HOLD THE PHONE! Paid? To WRITE?! I don't know what you're trying to sell me *looks at banner ads* but if people are making a living churning out this seo terms navel gazing drivel I might have to quit my jerb driving a truck full of egotism and park my butt in front of this 6-weeks-to-6-months-waiting-on-that-check writing opportunity.

Posted on March 6, 2013 at 4:44 pm 0

On How Should An Author Be?

WE CALL UPON THE AUTHOR TO COMPLAIN...

Posted on December 26, 2012 at 3:07 pm 0

On The Rolling Stones, In Order

*puffs on pipe* *turns pipe around and points while stroking chin with other hand* *clears throat* Rolling Stones sound like a bunch of black boys singing without feeling

Posted on December 7, 2012 at 1:14 pm 2

On An Unexpected Masterpiece

If you think writing a book is hard, try throwing a book party in New York.

Posted on November 20, 2012 at 4:40 pm 0