Great column as usual. LW, I think your dude is just really uncomfortable with feelings. If you think about it, this is really an intimacy issue. By interrupting you every time you start talking about something difficult, he's not letting you be vulnerable and intimate with each other. Maybe address it from that perspective? It's hard to be truly close to someone who can't just be quiet and listen when you're telling them about someone who was important to you who passed away. Like someone said above, he doesn't have to relate to all of your experiences, but he should want to understand them.
This is one of the most nuanced and empathetic discussions of class differences in relationships that I've ever read. Polly really saw what was going on here.
I think you can work through class differences as long as you truly have respect for each other and appreciate those differences. My boyfriend's family has more money than mine and I like going to his Thanksgiving because I know they'll serve something bourgie and amazing and it'll be a quiet, classy evening. He likes coming to mine because we have the cranberry sauce from the can and get a little drunk and loud and that's fun, too. There are usually things to appreciate on both sides.
Wishing you the best, @pointreyes. I don't think anyone can tell you whether to keep or not keep this child. I would just say that it's best not to make decisions based from fear, such as that you will never have an opportunity to have a kid again. At 35 you still have time and plenty of options. And while you shouldn't consider the father in terms of hoping that this baby forces him to step up to a role he'll never be able to fulfill, I think you should consider the role he might actually play. I.e., child support-- Your kid deserves it, but will that be an ongoing battle with him? What narrative are you going to tell your child about his or her father? What if he has a change of heart years from now and wants to be involved in your kid's life, but he's still completely unreliable? What about his family-- what if his parents want to be involved in their grandchild's life? Because like it or not, he doesn't necessarily get to make a clean break here.
Take care of yourself, surround yourself with people who love and support you no matter what, talk to your therapist, meditate, and break off contact with the dude for a while. Think about what is best for a child and what is best for you. The answer will come to you. Best wishes.
@sophiah Great advice right here, especially on the child support.
I love these. The therapy one made me laugh out loud.
@PistolPackinMama 15 pounds isn't even that fucking much weight. Who cares?
@Surly1986 I would listen to that!
This guy is an idiot. I would think that the same culture which told him he deserved the Hottest Possible Version of You would've also taught him that the answer to "Does my ass look fat in this?" is always no. I mean, if he was going to absorb a gross gendered idea about the world, I'd prefer that one. This ding-dong went straight from "here's how changing your appearance can make me happy" to "you're the most prettiest girl in the world," no wonder it feels insincere. God, young men are the worst.
At the same time, you can't be grilling your partner on what he REALLY thinks of your appearance. Come on, now. How is that ever going to turn out well? Would you have ever accepted that he thinks you're attractive and let it go? Your insecurities are about you, not him, and once you work on that, you'll figure out whether this relationship is worth your time.
We all have blind spots in relationships and communication issues and stupid hurtful things we do that we didn't realize were hurtful. You told this guy that he was being a dick and he stopped. I guess I would ask yourself, does he make you feel loved and appreciated in other ways? Is your sex life passionate, even with all of this other nonsense going on? Does he go to stupid family stuff with you? Do your friends love him? Then this might just be a communication issue you can work through. If not, idk.
Polly's advice is great. I do think you like the drama. In the beginning of this letter you sound like you're looking for any excuse for ending up friends with this woman who you don't even really like. It's one thing if someone you don't like is an unremovable part of a group, but nobody was making you hang out with her one on one. Why do you have so much time for her? I think maybe you're a little bored. Listen, I've been there. But you clearly realize how distorted this woman's perceptions are, so the only thing to do is back away slowly. She might have Feelings about it, but Polly is right that you can't explain. You can't reason with crazy. People like this feed off of your attention and time and energy, and they will completely drain you unless you pull it back.
@mathnet That's hilarious. Your husband is awesome.