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On 2013, In Order

January and February were the worst months I've ever had. Much of the rest of the year was inoffensive with some glimmers of happiness. But I'd say that 2013, as a whole, should be ashamed of itself.

Posted on December 9, 2013 at 4:18 pm 0

On Bagels, In Order

Is there some trick to salt bagels that makes them...edible? I tried one a few months ago and couldn't even get through it. As someone who regularly swills dirty martinis with a nearly 1:1 ratio of booze to olive broth, it's not like I have a delicate palate or anything.

Posted on October 25, 2013 at 2:07 pm 0

On They Eat Horses, Don't They?

Helpful? Why that's downright cheval-rous!

I need a hobby.

Posted on January 17, 2013 at 11:20 am 1

On Welcome To IKEA Jail

Seems like an elaborate mashup of Seasons 2 and 3 of The Wire.

Posted on December 5, 2012 at 10:35 am 0

On Why Aren't You On Facebook, Psycho?

@My Number Is My Address Fiendster?

Posted on August 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm 2

On French Cows Think They're French People

Something something bo-vine.

Posted on July 10, 2012 at 12:09 pm 0

On Ladies, Your Sexy Walk Is Saying "Make Me Pregnant"

Guess that explains why I've found myself with all these other boys in the yard.

Posted on July 10, 2012 at 11:38 am 0

On Sausage Rebuked

I'd banger.

Posted on June 28, 2012 at 1:55 pm 3

On Pok Pok Redeemed

The fact that you call it that tells me you're not ready.

Posted on June 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm 0

On Scientists Baffled by the Brutal, Terrible Mystery of "Pine Mouth"!

This pesto-lence must be stopped.

Posted on May 30, 2012 at 9:46 am 4