An introvert in New York.
I would be grateful for an app that deletes the interminable pauses between words when Jonathan Schwartz speaks.
The New Republic wrote a great piece about why all the pseudo-Onion satirical sites aren't funny: they're not supposed to be, they just want your clicks so they serve up stories you'll share thinking they're real (http://www.newrepublic.com/article/118013/satire-news-websites-are-cashing-gullible-outraged-readers), and they use the concept of satire to protect themselves from lawsuits. That said, I don't think that's Borowitz's intent - I think the guy is simply, genuinely not funny. It's not his fault that everyone in the Internetz is stupid.
I was bullied all my childhood and you won't believe what happened next!
Tell that to Ted Nugent.
"Betwixt" for girls.
I barely remember inviting Choire to attend The Armory Show press preview via Gchat one night. And I barely remember making fun of him in the press office for saying he wanted to buy a Tom Wesselmann. Then again, I barely remember working at The Armory Show.
I never worried about losing my good looks because I didn't think I had any to lose. Now that I'm in my 40s I realize that I should have worried. Getting old sucks.
Grey chest hair.
Yeah, like they read Time Magazine.
I had been shaving my head for a couple of years when I met a girl who asked me to grow my hair back out. That's when I found out I had gone bald in those two years. I now regret not having enjoyed what little time I had left with my hair.