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On The Republican National Convention

I quit reading this after you said Karl Rove is a "personal hero" of yours, and seemed to be serious. I guess that was maybe in the first paragraph? There were words after that, but I assumed they were foolish and silly. There were also some photos, but they were of idiotic racists, who aren't even funny. Not interested.

So, ignoring this entire piece, I recommend people go to YouTube and watch this music video "Elle Me Dit" by Mika. It's my new favorite thing. Dance dance dance!

Posted on September 1, 2012 at 5:27 am 1

On Some Advice On Sleeping

I love sleeping, too, but am notorious for not doing so. And the reason why is that I am avoiding the following day. Tomorrow is always the worst.

Posted on August 21, 2012 at 6:51 am 2

On Violence and Making Sense

"I have no opinions on gun control that go beyond what the shouting heads might say."

Fine, but I'm wondering which shouting heads?

Posted on August 7, 2012 at 10:56 pm 0

On The 40-Year-Old Reversion

This has been bothering me for days: "...paying hipster boys five dollars for a cigarette."

What? Who is setting that price?

I'm reminded of a Norm McDonald stand-up joke about lying for no good reason at all. '"Did you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and a horse?" "Yes!" What the hell am I lying about this time? I stand to gain NOTHING by this lie."

Posted on July 13, 2012 at 11:12 am 0

On Do Bicyclists Deserve Sympathy?

I dislike both motorists and bicyclists, but at least motorists don't haul their stupid cars onto the subway with them. Look, you brought out your damn bike, ride it up top, on the street. You made your damn bike bed, freaking ride it. The subway is not for you. Pick one. You don't get to do both. Don't be all carrying your stupid bike up the stairs in front of me, with your damn dirty tire all in my face. Be a pedestrian, like decent people. Bicyclists on the subway should be ashamed of themselves, and then be jailed.

Posted on May 24, 2012 at 11:07 pm 0

On Today Only: The Awl Is Auditioning New Commenters!

I'm old. I want soup.

Posted on April 19, 2012 at 12:24 pm 4

On The Rent Is Too Damn Hilarious

Wait, what the hell? I just looked at that RentJuice chart and it has Williamsburg several hundred dollars less than Greenpoint?

Yeah, no. Go figure, that something called "RentJuice" is just randomly making shit up.

Posted on April 15, 2012 at 5:16 am 0

On The Rent Is Too Damn Hilarious

That Greenpoint number seems too damn high. What is the source on that? I mean, I kind of hope it's true, since it finally means the rent stabilized place I've been clinging to is paying off, bigtime, and I am a winner. But if that's a true average, something is skewing it way high. I just can't figure out what the hell that would be. The luxo joints haven't been built yet. I suspect an actual *average* these days is around $2,000. And I still win.

Posted on April 15, 2012 at 5:05 am 0

On You Still Won't Like The Three Stooges

Larry has always been my favorite, too. Just watch Larry. Moe and Curly (or Shemp, or, eesh, Curly Joe) are spazzing out ten ways to Sunday, but just watch Larry. He gets some quiet bits of business in that are really marvelous.

Posted on April 15, 2012 at 4:51 am 0

On Okay, Help: What's Your Ideal Afternoon in Brooklyn for Tourists?

Am a little baffled by the multiple mentions of Smorgasburg. A gravel lot in the shadow of behemoth condo nonsense, grit blowing in your eyes, Port-a-Potties, and crowds of idiots lining up for expensive thimbles of gourmet food truck bullshit? I'd be one angry tourist if someone took me there.

I mean, every once in awhile I'll waltz through to see if there's some bottle of hot sauce or something I want to bring home, but screw the rest of that noise.

Posted on April 12, 2012 at 11:33 am 0