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This Was Supposed To Be A Review Of The Movie 'Pacific Rim' But It’s Mostly A Review Of My Above-Ground Swimming Pool, But 'Pacific Rim' Is Crazy, Man!

Wowee, America* I am having a super-fantastic summer, seriously, I fixed the vinyl liner in my above-ground pool and now I can go swimming whenever I want, which is really great because of how hot it has been, which summer-wise, is a plus, the hot, and being able to come home all hot and bothered and then slip into a cool pool and a cold beer is very satisfying, in a totally Suburban way, which is not a disparagement of Suburbanites, because I live in a City, but it’s just kinda like a Suburban thing to have a pool, even though mine overlooks the alley and there are feral cats and rats (which I guess are also feral) and cracky-looking guys with weedwackers asking people if they want their lawn trimmed, which in my neighborhood, the lawns are so teensy-weensy you can trim them with a wacker, an electric one, even. The pool is kinda small (8’ x 12’ x 52") and it's 3000 gallons, which is about the size of one of those big fish tanks movie drug dealers (and probably real ones I guess) like to have in their castles, but I’m not a good swimmer so it all kinda works out, I can paddle around a little and not worry about drowning. Man, floating on a floaty thing in my tiny-ass pool, chillin’ with a Shiner Red Ruby beer (which some people don’t like because it is grapefruity, but I find it to be most refreshing), it’s night time and I can see the sky and maybe some stars, maybe listen to some music or a ball game, with the sound of traffic behind it all, that’s shit you capture in your mind for when it all goes south, you know? Hey, how is your summer going? READ MORE

It Is Finally Almost 'Fast & Furious' Time!

I think Springtime Positivity has finally caught up with me now that the Springtime Pollen of Negativity has spent itself and released me from its Deadly Grip, because I feel like my mind has cleared and I am Excited about stuff for the first time in a long time since last time. Firstly, more than the new Star Trek movie or the Iron Man or Great Gatsby or Before Midnight or anything like that, moviewise, I am officially one million percent hyper-mega-ultra-jacked about the new Fast & Furious movie, with cars. Check out this picture I have included, which reveals part of the movie—not Spoilering anything, in my opinion—and I bet this moment of cinema is but a teensy-weensy slice of a fragment of the film at neither its Fastest nor most Furious. READ MORE

Really Good Thing We Do All Our Business In The "Common Tongue"

I dig sports, so I was watching "Game of Thrones" on Home Box the other night and there was this part where a dude was being super-rude to a lady, but he was doing it in a Foreign Language from errbody else, so he thought he was slick. However, the person he was being rude to was the chick who has the fire-breathing dragons, and she came up hard, and she does not play. Spoiler alert. Aiieeee! READ MORE

Are We Not Each A Customer Whilst We Are Using The Restroom?

Not that you asked, but when it comes to the more Labor-Intensive aspect of availing myself of the Facilities, as it were, I generally prefer to handle my Business, if you will, at home, in the privacy therein and so forth. Every once in awhile, in my workaday world, in an extreme circumstance, I may find a need to be alone with my thoughts while in an office environment, uncomfortable as I may be with the entire process. It helps to read most of this in a phony English accent, I think, like one of those powdered-wig lawyers on Public Television. Go on, start over and see if it helps. No? Worse? Yeah, sorry, at this point, I am starting to hallucinate-smell some of those "air freshener" things in Public Restrooms, bleagh. Anyway. READ MORE

Corn!

The nights are getting warmer and it won’t be long until summer comes! No offense, but this current season of spring has pretty much been crappy and we are now about a groundhog-hair away from being done with it. Yeah, as soon as all this pollen stops killing us, it’ll be summer time, and I know there’ll still Global Warming, but I want to have an enjoyable summer, so I’m basically not gonna think about Global Warming this summer, even when it’s 120 degrees and the pavement is soft enough to claim a shoe! Don’t wear flip-flops out on those city streets, people, please. READ MORE

Attention Recent Graduates: It Is Now Your Future

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When I Win The Lottery I Am Going To Save All The Manatees

I know it's Springtime and it's supposed to be renewal and flowers and budding trees and things like that, but I'm tired of stuff right now, you know? Among certain other things that happened this week, there is also like this thing with the goofball in Korea who is gonna launch a nuclear missile on his grandfather's birthday or something? It's depressing! READ MORE

Beer With Baseball On The Radio Is Great, You Should Try This Delightful Combo

Baseball Season is here, and if you are not very Sporty, you might be all like: "Baseball? Big deal, I don't care about your stupid 'America's Pastime,' it's just for awful horrible stupid average people who want to Conform and be Average Americans with their Coors Light and 'Two entrees and an appetizer for $20' at Chilis, and their porky insulin-shock-at-any-moment kids and Wal-Mart—or maybe Target because it has a Starbucks now—and a minivan—or better yet a Dodge Magnum station wagon—and "relaxed fit" jeans and XXXL sleeveless "muscle" shirts from Costco and coupons for Gino's Pizza Rolls and low-fat frozen fudge bars because those are healthier and 'hey, maybe we should check out JC Penneys because it's better now, they have Martha Stewart' and wait, what were we talking about, what did you say? 'Baseball?' I don't care about Baseball, I've heard about the awful things that happen in the stands at Baseball games with people who think they have the right to behave like animals because they bought a ticket to a game, don't try and force your Mediocrity on me, go read a book." READ MORE

April Fools' Day is Stupid And So Are You if You Believe in it

Today is April 1, a/k/a "April Fools Day," and I don't like it. All this thing is about is making people feel bad. I have never read about or even Googled "April Fools' Day" to find out where this April Fools crap came from and why it is here, because I don't care. I don't like it, April Fools' Day, and I don't want to know anything about it. I just want it to Not Be. READ MORE

All I Know Is That Cadbury Eggs Are For A Limited Time Only

Passover begins tonight, and while I do not worship the G_d of Israel, I dig matzo and Observing this Religious occasion because I was raised on Television, where one of the best things I was conditioned to enjoy when I was a child was this movie they put on every year around this time called The Ten Commandments, by the movie director Cecil B. DeMille, and starring Charlton Heston, who would later go on to be a gun enthusiast and star in even cooler movies where he would do stuff like fight apes on a whole planet full of them, be The Omega Man, and tell everybody what the deal was with Soylent Green. (You probably know even if you haven't seen the movie, but I'm not gonna spoiler it.) READ MORE