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On That Millennial Marketing Verve

Making money off of people who want to make money equals the real secret. Bravo!

Posted on August 6, 2014 at 6:40 pm 0

On Ask Polly: I Am Severely Chafed By My Gentle, Compassionate Boyfriend

This. Is. Everything.

Posted on December 11, 2013 at 2:20 pm 1

On You'll Wet Your Paints In Fear And Rub The Side Of Your Jaw To Massage Away The Phantom Pain When You See This Unbelievable Picture Of A Bad Tooth

Son of a dentist here. Yes, you will die if you don't floss.

Posted on October 4, 2013 at 5:35 pm 0

On 'Jurassic Park' Is The Perfect Movie And Explains Everything About The Amazing World Of Science

@elsaschneider Been listening to the soundtrack on loop since this post published. Make your own playlist tip: follow "Hatching Baby Raptor" with "The Raptor Attack". As nature intended!

Posted on June 13, 2013 at 12:05 am 1

On 'Jurassic Park' Is The Perfect Movie And Explains Everything About The Amazing World Of Science

I just realized the super gratuitous shot of Muldoon's thunder rugby thighs is probably what made me gay. Thank you for this.

Posted on June 10, 2013 at 8:51 pm 2

On Your Caffeine-Induced Mental Disorder

I'll drink to much coffee!

Posted on May 29, 2013 at 8:54 pm 0

On Danny Elfman Is 60

@MikeBarthel Doubly that Balk didn't link to the hand bell version of "The Simpsons Theme". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOjA2KoEEwI

Posted on May 29, 2013 at 4:37 pm 0

On The Goats Care Not For Your Artisanal Wares

“Goats are trouble. Goats are trouble…” #gooblegobble #gooblegobble

Posted on May 15, 2013 at 2:46 pm 0

On Today You Can Buy Queen Mary I's Secret Trump Card

Sir Thomas Wyatt the Woofer. What a lovely head to behold.

Posted on May 15, 2013 at 2:39 pm 0

On Can You Construct A Functional Joke About A 9-Year-Old At The Oscars?

The obvious building blocks for a non sexist/anti-pedo joke at Quvenzhané's expense are the unusual name and her fierce natural talent and petite adorableness. In both cases one must be careful of racist pitfalls (no "La-ia" semantics or Gary Coleman/Emmanuel Lewis references).

For something a little more now-but-also-then, whip a little Willow Smith in the mix--some kind of reverse of Amy Pollard's "Dakota Fanning Show" SNL skit. But don't touch weave-snatching (see above).

How about the fact that she is nine fucking years old nominated for a role she did at six. Do you know what I was doing between 6 and 9? Neither do I, but there's got to be at least one decent joke in there. Look what I'm doing at 37.

Or take me out of the equation and insert other child stars--failed, fallen or otherwise. Did cutie Q-né grab a fag with Tatum O'Neil during commercial. Spotted in the bathroom during the (yawn) In Memorium sharing lip plumper with Macaulay Culkin. Wasn't she overheard getting career and relationship tips from Jodi Foster over champagne at Drew Barrymore's otherwise dry Oscar after party?

No gold there, just easy, winky child-friendly jibes so the bile can be better spent har-/lampooning someone more deserving. Like Kristen Stewart. Girl was so high.

Posted on February 25, 2013 at 11:35 pm 3