On Ask Polly: I Thought My Mother-in-Law Was Going to Kill Me at My Wedding

@alicesherman You DO NOT take food from the bride and groom. Wedding weekends are insanely busy and it is so hard to find time/remember to eat. When food is in front of you that you actually want (the nervous guts) and have time to eat, it is fucking YOURS.

When I got married, my maid of honor wanted to throw a bridal shower/luncheon for me with my bridemaids and some of the other ladies 2 days prior to the wedding day. We had moved cross country from our families and decided to get married where we live, so about 60% of the guests were flying in from afar and making a vacation out of it. Because of travel time and the already massive amount of scheduling already involved, I decided to just keep it super low-key instead of a formal to-do. Bridemaids (only 3, so no massive party) and mom and I were going to go for a walk around downtown, run a few last minute errands, then go to lunch at a cute little cafe, My mom, who is the greatest most caring woman ever, but the slowest shopper in the entire world, decided that the 5 minute run into Nordstrom for a jewelry polish cloth was a great time for her to go shopping for a new rehearsal dinner dress. Trying to be accommodating, I said that she could do whatever, but I was really hungry and hadn't eaten all day and it was already almost 2, so we should get moving soon. I offered to run down to the bakery and grab croissants or something for us to tide us over. Oh no, no, no! We are taking you out to lunch, just wait a bit. I take off to get the rest of the errands done and come back 30 mins later. Still trying things on, no progress made. I (quite crankily at this point) say again, can we just go get food? She says it will only be a few more minutes. I start walking over the the husband chairs to sit down and promptly black out and hit the floor (happens sometimes, mom knows this.) None of my people see this, so I wake up surrounded by freaked out clerks who are about to call me an ambulance. I get one of them to find my mom and friends. My mom walks out of the dressing room eating a protein bar that the dressing room lady had gotten for her because "she was starving." She didn't really want a new dress, just wanted to see if they had anything she liked better. So my bridal shower was two bites of a shitty Jimmy Johns sub, eaten on the curb next to a couple stinky street kids.

Moral of the story: feed the bride and groom.

Posted on May 14, 2014 at 5:59 pm 2

On Meet The Awl

@whizz_dumb No aspect of this website makes me happier than the moon hatred. .

Posted on March 4, 2014 at 3:04 pm 0

On The 50 Best Versions Of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas," In Order

@hockeymom There is no possible way Bing Crosby is not in the top three. It's science.

Posted on November 22, 2013 at 7:03 pm 1

On A Ton of Long Things You Can Start Watching on Netflix Now!

@bluebears AND That Mitchell and Webb Look.

"Ooo, and that's a bad miss!"

Posted on October 29, 2012 at 6:14 pm 0

On How Slutty Can You Be And Still Trick Someone Into Loving You?

@jolie Same here! We just got married last month after about 8 years together. I had to think on the fly and come up with a better meet-cute story than "A friend brought me to a party at his house. We hit it off. We left his bedroom 4 days later."

Posted on October 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm 1

On Ask Polly: I Don't Like My Friends Anymore

@Morbo "I guess this split really started to open when, in the months after 9/11, we got really into pomegranate juice."

Posted on September 26, 2012 at 2:43 pm 1

On Happy Middle Finger Day

@Maxine4Mayor http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO3QOF0pNj4

Posted on August 1, 2012 at 5:38 pm 1

On "Don't Even Brush Your Teeth": 91 Hangover Cures From 1961

91 sounds like a nice little Saturday to me.

Posted on July 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm 1

On "Don't Even Brush Your Teeth": 91 Hangover Cures From 1961

@zidaane Absolutely. A BLT with onion rings (more grease and salt!) is my go-to hungover diner meal.

Posted on July 11, 2012 at 3:24 pm 0

On What Does A Pack Of Cigarettes Cost In Each State Now?

@CheeseLouise Maybe they include bar prices? I know Washington is up there, but in Seattle my Camel lights cost $7.50ish at the corner store, $11 at the bar (I am frequently drunk, lazy, and bad with money).

Edit: Didn't read the Methodology section...So not much of an average, just a place in the state.

Posted on June 26, 2012 at 4:29 pm 0