@antarctica starts here Yuuuup. I dated a guy who sounds just like the LW's boyfriend, he was convinced I was cheating all the time when I wasn't. Turns out HE was the one cheating, and projected all his guilt onto me as anger. I think he was convinced if he was doing it then everyone was, or something.
@jaimeleigh It seems to me that the LW is ALL ABOUT being tied to this guy, whether he wants to be or not. I agree with Polly that it's a giant waving red flag that most of this letter is about the guy, and not about how she can move on.
To me the most important part of Polly's answer was this:
"And honestly, you don't seem entirely interested in the truth right now. It seems like you want to find some way to change the facts on the ground. So the first thing I want you to do is admit that HE IS OUT. As a grown fucking adult, you need to get tough for a second and say it. THIS GUY IS NOT A PART OF THIS DECISION. Stop talking about him, OK? Stop imagining a better scenario, with him in it. HE IS IRRELEVANT NOW. KISS HIM GOODBYE, AND GOD BLESS. This will be difficult. But this is where you are, like it or not. You must face the music and accept that there's no time to consider him, for your own good.
If you can't get past that part, where you forget about him and quit wishing things were different? I don't think you're mature enough to have a kid, frankly."
Dude sounds really young. He needs to grow up and learn that there's something between the two extremes of "here's a list of things that would improve you" to "you are flawless and the hottest person ever!", and if he actually said what he liked about her she might believe him. He had to be attracted to her initially, right? She doesn't talk about how affectionate he is or if their sex life is okay. (although it can't be okay for her if she doesn't even believe she's attracted to her.)
"I pushed for the engagement and was initially excited about it, happy to start our future together and be on solid ground."
There is no "future", there's now. Marital status, engagement status, those things don't change who you are fundamentally as a couple. "Official" jewelry and a piece of paper doesn't change how you feel about each other or act with each other, and the solid ground only comes from solid communication, trust, and mutual respect.
@Olivia2.0 I didn't get the impression she was religious just because she went to religious institutions. The fact that her mother does everything for her? That's just creepy.
One thousand thumbs up to all of this.
@jfruh That is a great point. The fact that it's "not real" to him doesn't mean it's not real to those ladies. He's actively fucking with people's heads out there, and that's just gross.
@werewolfbarmitzvah Seriously! Cats are incredibly hard to photograph. I could *never* get a shot that good.
@smartastic Yes! That struck me as kind of odd. I suspect Special Snowflake Syndrome.
@82442152@twitter Yes, that was my read on it, too. He said he didn't want to be a douche, meaning he doesn't want to come out and say "I'm not that into you" but he doesn't realize that by not being direct he IS being a douche. He likes your brain, he gets something out of the contact, but he's really not into you romantically.
Someone else will be! Let this one go.