I was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer almost a year ago a month after my 23rd birthday. All of the above was said to me, as well as "I don't know how you do it" (1 in 3 get cancer so chances are good that you will), "You're so brave!" (I don't exactly have a choice), "Your short hair cut looks great!" (Why don't you let someone buzz a foot off your hair?), and a plethora of questions about my prognosis (hint - NEVER ASK ABOUT SOMEONE'S "PROGNOSIS"), asking if I was going to die, and telling me stories about their dead relatives who had cancer. I think the point is that the responses are going to be what plays in our heads - particularly for young adults with cancer. The only time I have *ever* actually said something negative back was when someone was SMOKING when they said that to me or if anyone asks what caused it with a judgmental attitude. Hodgkin's lymphoma comes out of the clear blue sky - it was nothing I did or didn't do.
And yes, people telling me that they're praying for me - especially since they know I am an agnostic Jew and they almost always are of a Christian persuasion - really grosses me out. Say you're thinking about me, sending me good vibes, lighting a candle, or saying my name in temple... but I will feel weird if you pray for me from a different religion's standpoint. But I will be gracious to your face about it.
Another thing I hate is "Let me know if I can help you". That put so much stress on me because it is excruciatingly hard to ask for help and feel like even more of a burden. Instead, pick something you enjoy and offer your services. Offer to cook a big meal for a specific date. Give money or put up an office collection - cancer is expensive (the month of March cost more in medical care than my lifetime earnings - and I have held many jobs in addition to the professional one I hold now) and unfortunately your money will mean more than most words will. Offer to do laundry or to clean the house. Walk the dog. Scoop the cat's litter. Take care of the kids.
Cancer is not our entire lives. Most of us don't want it to be. Please don't ignore the fact that we have cancer but don't let that color every facet of every conversation. There are still coworkers who have never said anything to me but talking about cancer (I was 4 months into my first job out of college when I was diagnosed). You can still invite us to lunch, just expect us to be a little flakier than usual. Talk to us about current events. Or stupid stuff! People gave me US Magazine through chemo - it was great. Most of all, don't make it about yourself. So many people on here are commenting all butthurt because it's all about them. Guess what - it's not a cancer survivor's (and you're a survivor from the moment you're diagnosed) JOB to make you feel better about OUR disease. Blogs like this (and my own) highlight these statements specifically because we KNOW people don't know what to say and we want to point out the particularly stupid things that you can say.
On Some Awesome Things To Say To A Cancer Patient
I was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer almost a year ago a month after my 23rd birthday. All of the above was said to me, as well as "I don't know how you do it" (1 in 3 get cancer so chances are good that you will), "You're so brave!" (I don't exactly have a choice), "Your short hair cut looks great!" (Why don't you let someone buzz a foot off your hair?), and a plethora of questions about my prognosis (hint - NEVER ASK ABOUT SOMEONE'S "PROGNOSIS"), asking if I was going to die, and telling me stories about their dead relatives who had cancer. I think the point is that the responses are going to be what plays in our heads - particularly for young adults with cancer. The only time I have *ever* actually said something negative back was when someone was SMOKING when they said that to me or if anyone asks what caused it with a judgmental attitude. Hodgkin's lymphoma comes out of the clear blue sky - it was nothing I did or didn't do.
And yes, people telling me that they're praying for me - especially since they know I am an agnostic Jew and they almost always are of a Christian persuasion - really grosses me out. Say you're thinking about me, sending me good vibes, lighting a candle, or saying my name in temple... but I will feel weird if you pray for me from a different religion's standpoint. But I will be gracious to your face about it.
Another thing I hate is "Let me know if I can help you". That put so much stress on me because it is excruciatingly hard to ask for help and feel like even more of a burden. Instead, pick something you enjoy and offer your services. Offer to cook a big meal for a specific date. Give money or put up an office collection - cancer is expensive (the month of March cost more in medical care than my lifetime earnings - and I have held many jobs in addition to the professional one I hold now) and unfortunately your money will mean more than most words will. Offer to do laundry or to clean the house. Walk the dog. Scoop the cat's litter. Take care of the kids.
Cancer is not our entire lives. Most of us don't want it to be. Please don't ignore the fact that we have cancer but don't let that color every facet of every conversation. There are still coworkers who have never said anything to me but talking about cancer (I was 4 months into my first job out of college when I was diagnosed). You can still invite us to lunch, just expect us to be a little flakier than usual. Talk to us about current events. Or stupid stuff! People gave me US Magazine through chemo - it was great. Most of all, don't make it about yourself. So many people on here are commenting all butthurt because it's all about them. Guess what - it's not a cancer survivor's (and you're a survivor from the moment you're diagnosed) JOB to make you feel better about OUR disease. Blogs like this (and my own) highlight these statements specifically because we KNOW people don't know what to say and we want to point out the particularly stupid things that you can say.