On The Cannibal Birds Of Burgazada
When you think about it, birds are the only animal species that possesses the ability to shit on humans and regularly get away with it. It's no secret that they can be quite nasty, as well as filthy and shamelessly aggressive and dangerous (as you'd know if you ever tried to eat some french fries around the gulls at a public beach snack shop).
It should also be pointed out that, thanks to EPA efforts since the 70s, there is now potable non-toxic water to be found in many Illinois waterways (whereas, prior to the fucking environmental movement, there was not so much as a pond, creek or puddle in the entire state that wouldn't instantly poison any living creature that drank from it) which has allowed flocks of gigantic bald eagles and other unidentified monstrously giant birds to spawn and routinely swoop and steal pets and attempt to steal children (though they're usually thwarted by American childrens' rampant morbid obesity.)
I think these winged & feathered dinosuar monsters are addicted to the genetically altered corn they grow out there in the Midwest which compells them to go for the kids with the highest fructose corn-syrup content - thus attracting them to the fattest of Illinios youths and thus saving countless lives from these vicious winged beasts.
And thanks to Michelle Obama's plan to make sure American children as skinny as Kenyans before her husband gets the boot in 2012, we should probably start dumping our nuclear and industrial wastes into these waterways again so all these life-threatening birds perish and leave all American children safe from Bald Eagles.
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On Transgender Goats Just Another Miracle Of Science
I found out the hard way that taking institutionalized schizophrenic and borderline personality riddled halfway-house patients to the university's remote ag school facility in order to see the mutated goats (and cow with the glass window into its stomach) in order to practice riding scarce public transportation is NOT A GOOD IDEA!
Therein, I would recommend avoiding anything having to do with transgendered goats, their milk or field trips for the mentally ill to view and/or taste them.
Just an FYI.
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On The 'Tree of Life' "No Refunds" Sign
WHERE WAS THIS FUCKING NOTICE WHENEVER I RUSHED OUT TO SEE EVERY FUCKING M. NIGHT SHYAMALAR FLOP AND FIGURED OUT THE MYSTERY IN THE FIRST NANO-SECOND!!!!!!
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On How To Not Die In A Plane Crash
IMO, only idiots or extreme skateboarder types fly to places surrounded by large mountains. How much brain power does it take to figure out that the chances of crashing into sharp jagged rocks increase algorhythmically when those rocks are reaching up to get you?!
Think about it! And next time you're going to LA or Hong Kong, DRIVE OR TAKE THE TRAIN!
PS. Also avoid flying to places with more than 3 or 4 tall buildings (ie. buildings over 30 stories) for obvious and similar reasons. Southern cities are usually safe in this respect, but watch out for a few sneaky (and you would think irrelevant) ones where you wouldn't imagine there could be anything taller than a cotton warehouse or Piggly Wiggly, like Mobile or Little Rock. Chattanooga would be safe if it weren't for fucking Ruby Falls looming all over the place like a giant plane-swatter!
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On Let's Do the Math on 'The Beached White Male'
As a beached white male I am amazed at how long it's taking to absolutely dry out completely and I blame global warming for the occasional dousing of a wave or two I get during sporadic high tides which have kept me alive for such an intolerably long time.
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On The Trouble With Awards
BTW: A blind misogynist gay man would not be able to tear his eyes away from Pippa Middleton's ass. It is a natural phenomenon and wonder and is a proper British treasure. It enchants and will, no doubt, over time, win many awards and prominent placement in the British Museum or maybe the Tate.
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On The Trouble With Awards
I thought Obama's Nobel Peace Prize was preposterously premature for their brand image. Reeked of mad Norwegian sillyness like a pile of creamed herring in an Oslo sauna.
No more gala Nobel Prize parties at my place. Vanity Fair doesn't do an after-party and we all already know Bibi Netanyahu's got it wrapped up.
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On Life After Zionist Summer Camp
Jew Camp sounds fun but I got to spend the summer of 69, when I was 12, at WASP Camp - also in Wisconsin - where the horseback riding counselor taught me, very privately and discreetly, how to make my saddle-sore pecker stop hurting.
The next summer I went to a more "survivalist" WASP Camp in Ontario where we did a lot of nude swimming in cold lakes and I learned to get bound and gang-raped by the older boys in the cabin next door (as did several of my cabin mate "chickens" on 'councelors nights off).
Luckily I'm gay because otherwise I might not have enjoyed Wasp Camp so much, nor have such fond memories.
Granted, it was Wasp Camp so what happened in The North Woods stayed in The North Woods, but I'd sure like to see Corky (the horseback riding counselor) again. He was dreamy and wore the coolest shit-stompingly "worn in" cowboy boots EVER!