As the sister of a cancer survivor, I absolutely loved this post. My youngest sister was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer at the age of 11. The things people would say to her and my family were often insulting or just plain rude. I found that the worst offenders were ALWAYS the people at my family's church (sorry!). Here's a super-fun selection of the things we'd hear on the regular:
"You're such an inspiration!" oh man, FUCK YOU. boy, i am sure glad you find my sister's cancer, which has a 75% chance of killing her, to be an *inspiration*. I'm just so happy for you, that you can sit there with your cushy life and find *inspiration* in an 11 year old girl fighting for her life in some of the most painful, embarrassing, and difficult ways possible.
"So, whats the prognosis?" This was always asked of us by a stranger. Literally no one we actually knew would EVER ask something like this. It was always whispered to my mom or I when we would be pushing her wheelchair, like she couldn't hear us talking about her if we *whispered*. Fuck you, vultures. My mom was always diplomatic about it, answering with a "well, we're hopeful" but in my adolescent anger, I would usually go with "Well, you know, she's lost the use of her left side, most of her motor skills, her eyesight, her speech and her ability to walk. She's pumped so full of medicines and poisons that no one is sure what is the cancer and what is the side effects. She can't control her bodily functions and is on a feeding tube so she doesn't die of malnutrition while the chemo and radiation do their work. She has a 25% chance of making it. Is that what you want to hear?" This is very effective at shutting people up but you will get a reputation at church.
"Oh, well don't you look pretty today!" No, she doesn't. She has a head wound that is wrapped in gauze, no hair, and is bloated from all the steroids. She is, at any given moment, either puking, about to puke, or covered in puke. Fuck. You. She's battling the sort of illness that would bring a grown man like you down to his knees and you have the GALL to lean down right in her face like that and condescendingly tell her she looks pretty? She's a pediatric cancer patient, not an imbecile, and we ALL have more on our minds than whether she looks good. She doesn't. Stop it.
People say some seriously fucked-up shit and I think this piece was spot-on. The best thing you can say is that you are so sorry for what they are going through, and ask them if there is anything you can do to help. Let them guide the conversation: if they bring up their illness, listen, but cancer patients are people too and they want to talk about things that aren't chemo and doctors appointments. Ask their family members or other friends if there is anything you can do: they will often be useful in telling you "oh, no edible arrangements, the smell of food makes her nauseous" or "DVDs would be great, the chemo appointments get really boring"
On Some Awesome Things To Say To A Cancer Patient
As the sister of a cancer survivor, I absolutely loved this post. My youngest sister was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer at the age of 11. The things people would say to her and my family were often insulting or just plain rude. I found that the worst offenders were ALWAYS the people at my family's church (sorry!). Here's a super-fun selection of the things we'd hear on the regular:
"You're such an inspiration!" oh man, FUCK YOU. boy, i am sure glad you find my sister's cancer, which has a 75% chance of killing her, to be an *inspiration*. I'm just so happy for you, that you can sit there with your cushy life and find *inspiration* in an 11 year old girl fighting for her life in some of the most painful, embarrassing, and difficult ways possible.
"So, whats the prognosis?" This was always asked of us by a stranger. Literally no one we actually knew would EVER ask something like this. It was always whispered to my mom or I when we would be pushing her wheelchair, like she couldn't hear us talking about her if we *whispered*. Fuck you, vultures. My mom was always diplomatic about it, answering with a "well, we're hopeful" but in my adolescent anger, I would usually go with "Well, you know, she's lost the use of her left side, most of her motor skills, her eyesight, her speech and her ability to walk. She's pumped so full of medicines and poisons that no one is sure what is the cancer and what is the side effects. She can't control her bodily functions and is on a feeding tube so she doesn't die of malnutrition while the chemo and radiation do their work. She has a 25% chance of making it. Is that what you want to hear?" This is very effective at shutting people up but you will get a reputation at church.
"Oh, well don't you look pretty today!" No, she doesn't. She has a head wound that is wrapped in gauze, no hair, and is bloated from all the steroids. She is, at any given moment, either puking, about to puke, or covered in puke. Fuck. You. She's battling the sort of illness that would bring a grown man like you down to his knees and you have the GALL to lean down right in her face like that and condescendingly tell her she looks pretty? She's a pediatric cancer patient, not an imbecile, and we ALL have more on our minds than whether she looks good. She doesn't. Stop it.
People say some seriously fucked-up shit and I think this piece was spot-on. The best thing you can say is that you are so sorry for what they are going through, and ask them if there is anything you can do to help. Let them guide the conversation: if they bring up their illness, listen, but cancer patients are people too and they want to talk about things that aren't chemo and doctors appointments. Ask their family members or other friends if there is anything you can do: they will often be useful in telling you "oh, no edible arrangements, the smell of food makes her nauseous" or "DVDs would be great, the chemo appointments get really boring"