"Here - I got you this Maroon 5 CD."
You'll always find another way to fuck it up.
Everything happens for a reason.
Barbara? It's me. Look, I heard what happened. Jesus. Oh Barbara, I don't even know what to say. How are you holding up? What am I talking about, holding up, don't even answer that. You must be an absolute mess. I can't believe you even answered the phone. I'd say get a grip, pull yourself together, but we both know that's not happening, not now, not after this. You know how some people say, "Don't worry, one day we'll laugh about this?" Well, don't believe it. Only a sick, twisted, disgusting animal would laugh about something like this. Trust me. This one's going to hurt forever. Remember Danielle? After Tommy died she got Shingles and she was never the same. Is Eddie there? Tim? What about Frankie? Jesus, you're alone?! Oh my god, you're alone. Totally alone. I'm sorry, but those kids of yours are real pieces of shit. Leaving you alone. At a time like this! My Martin would never leave me alone. Not after something like this. Please, please, whatever you do, stay out of the kitchen. No knives. No knives, Barbara. I mean it. Unbelievable. At least you have the cat, what's-its-name, Dumpy, Lumpy. Oh my god, when did Lumpy die? Jesus, Mary and Joseph, when it rains it pours. Do you have a gun? Well don't worry, I'll ask Martin to bring you one this afternoon. What?! Oh Barbara, no. Not for you, for prowlers. The gun's for prowlers, Barbara. You're alone, for god's sake! Just stay put and wait for Martin. And stop answering the phone. Nothing anyone says is going to make this better.
How come people in triploid marriages always think it is the most interesting thing about themselves? Oh, right, because it always is.
As aspirational spaces go, these have nothing on the trachea.
@Xenu01 Oh, hey, I had an ex who assured me that EVERY LAST WOMAN he'd ever slept with had either a Brazilian or waxed everything all off. Never mind he, like me, was a young adult in the 90's. And he was a crusty bike guy and worked on organic hippie farms and dated a wide range of kinds of women. Every single woman he'd slept with before me waxed everything (mostly off). No, really.
I suppose it's true, but I doubt it. A lot.
Especially since it turns out he wasn't entirely honest about other things through our relationship. So you know. Relevant past behavior and all that.
And I don't understand why he thought trying to imply my unwaxed self was somehow freakishly abnormal and I was truculent and odd was going to work. Especially since my feeling was "well that's nice... not gonna wax jack until you make the appointment and pay for it... and I choose the waxer... oh hey wait you don't want to pay $60.00 so I can go to the best European waxer in the city? Well my extremely sensitive lady skin and I will have to disappoint you, then, because it's infected ingrown hair city for me otherwise."
I may have feelings about that.
When will these fools learn to stop scheduling climate change conferences in the winter? Schedule it in Florida, during hurricane season!
I've... seen things you people wouldn't believe... Dust bunnies piled high under the dresser of your son. I swept mouse droppings in the dark under the basement refrigerator. All those... chores... will be left for humanity, like tears... in... rain. Time... to die.
"Key West's downtown tourist epicenter is also one of the island's lowest points."