On Stop Threatening To Kill People Over The Internet!

You've inspired me to write a Christian YA self-help book: When Satan Calls Collect; Don't Accept the Charges.

Posted on May 12, 2010 at 5:40 pm 0

On Local Laundry Prepares For Mother-In-Law Visit!

This guys first mistake is picking up his MIL at the airport. There's an airtrain/E train combo that can get here anywhere she needs to be.

Posted on May 29, 2009 at 10:25 am 0

On The Safety Seat Is Ruining American Family Life In Your Metal Death Box

I have fond memories of road tripping in the early 80s in my dad's lime green Mazada pick-up. Dad put the camper shell on the back of the truck and the kids got to sit in the back with toys and coolers full of food and drink. They would probably put my parents in jail for doing that today.

Posted on May 28, 2009 at 4:27 pm 0

On Social A's: When Two Men Fall In Love....

I met the greatest guy in the world and after dating for a while he was still a little non-committal on being in a long-term relationship. I made up my mind to call of the relationship because if he didn't realize how great it was, he was just wasting my time.

On the night I decided to tell him how I felt he beat me to the punch with: "You know how I told you I was scared of being in a relationship? I'm more scared of not spending the rest of my life with you."

Two years later a marriage. Five years after that a divorce.

My advice: don't get married. The only exceptions are if you want kids and think it's best for the kids to have married parents or if you are a stay-at-home or lesser earning spouse and you want alimony after the break up.

Posted on May 28, 2009 at 1:16 pm 0

On Hugs! REALLY! Teenagers Hugging! SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST!

Alternatively, a quick upper cut from the first stranger you try to hug should do the trick.

Posted on May 28, 2009 at 10:09 am 0

On News Blender: California, Eminem, That Couple With The Assload Of Kids

Turn Ryan Seacrest's "She" into a "He" and this becomes the most accurate news story I've read all day.

Posted on May 27, 2009 at 5:34 pm 0

On Social A's: Can I Drop Out Of This Crazy Lady's Wedding?


Posted on May 21, 2009 at 12:56 pm 0

On Social A's: Can I Drop Out Of This Crazy Lady's Wedding?

Great column. I just have a follow up question. I have this crazy friend who is getting married in June. She wanted a perfect indie wedding and ordered a steampunk cake which is obviously really lame. What can I suggest she order instead? Is a cupcake cake okay? What if it's made from Babycakes cupcakes is that cool? Any advice would be appreciated. Also, time is of the essence.

Posted on May 21, 2009 at 12:31 pm 0

On Shorts: Expensive, Complicated Trousers

I guess I can cancel my therapy session this week. Thanks!

Although I still think it's for the good of humanity to ban shorts (like guns). You just can't stop them from falling into the wrong hands.

Posted on May 21, 2009 at 12:14 pm 0

On Shorts: Expensive, Complicated Trousers

A few responses!

I loathe shorts for both men and women because people tend to: wear shorts that are the wrong length and/or cut for their legs, pair shorts with the wrong footwear, and generally disregard other peoples' eyeballs when the pull a pair of shorts over their pasty-white, bruised, hairy legs.

However, I am sure you look fabulous in shorts! Wear them until it starts to snow! By all means show other people how it's done! But in the meantime I'll break into Old Navy after hours and steal all of their $9.99 hot pants and toss them into the river.

Posted on May 21, 2009 at 11:57 am 0