The Awl

Again With The Pee Game

Alex Balk — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 14:00:26 +0000

As far as occupational hazards go there are far worse ones than my personal burden of being the guy who sees a news item about a Sega videogame for the bathroom that is operated by the force of one's micturition and shaking his head in the knowledge that the story is over a year old. So I won't be so quick to dismiss it, especially when one of the games is described thus:

'Battle! Milk From Nose' is a multiplayer game where you compete against the person who last used the urinal. The strength of your urine streams are compared, and translated into milk spraying out of your nose. If your stream is stronger, your milk-stream knocks your opponent out of the ring.

Anyway, there's video involved if you're so inclined, and it might just be worth watching to hear the British pronunciation of "urinal." It's "yoo-rye-null," which I guess is funny because Vinyl Urinal would be a good name for a band. But only a British one. Oh God, today.

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The Only Corporate Release System Worse Than Book Publishing

Choire Sicha — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:50:41 +0000

"I am pretty disappointed in this beta. This book just isn't finished! Man, there was a part in Chapter 3 where every time I turned the page, it was the same page again, over and over and over… I kept having to start over from the beginning, nothing made any sense! The translation seems off, like they're having trouble getting the words right."
—The publishing of books could ACTUALLY BE WORSE: they could be published like videogames.

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I Am Waiting For Rockstar Games' "The Artist Is Present"

Alex Balk — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 16:40:32 +0000

“You can actually make it to the front. I did it yesterday and it took 5 hours. But once you get to the front, you can stare into her eyes for as long as you want.”
—Computer game research professor Pippin Barr discusses his videogame "The Artist Is Present," which "simulates the experience of waiting in line to see contemporary artist Marina Abramović, who held an exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art in New York in 2010" of the same name. It's a funny old world. [Vaguely related]

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Play "David Cameron Gets Shirty: The Videogame"

Alex Balk — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 16:20:42 +0000

"Text-based adventure games are often perceived as a pixelated debacle of trolls, orcs and wizards, testing the patience of the player as they travel down a road stolen from Tolkein’s imagination. However, a little known independent video games developer named Mark Richards, has reinvented the turn based genre by adding the raucous ruling of politics into the mix. He has reconstructed the parliamentary roleplaying that is the Prime Minister’s Questions, into a homemade pixelated game."
—Somebody go try this out and let me know how it is.

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How Not to Be a Publicist

Choire Sicha — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 11:00:17 +0000

"The Redner Group's official Twitter account posted something you almost never see: an open threat stating that outlets who reviewed Duke Nukem Forever poorly may not receive review copies of games in the future. Anyone who has done this job for any amount of time has suffered through a dry spell after giving a publisher a bad review, but this is the first time the threat of a blacklist has been made public." They've since apologized, but, yow. (via

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Best Hype Award: The "Dead Island" Trailer

Choire Sicha — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 09:03:07 +0000

Deep Silver, the publishers-to-be of the videogame "Dead Island," claimed yesterday that they hadn't yet sold film rights to their as-of-yet unfinished and unreleased product, in development since basically forever, despite reports to the contrary. Here's a working theory about this unusual event (the "Dead Island" trailer: has like 2.5 million views, from the last five days): "My theory: Deep Silver knew Dead Island was in video game purgatory and they needed something to gauge the interest in it to determine if they should shelve it or issue yet another release date. So they came up with this bit of cinematic genius, something that would go viral and get people talking about their game again. Even if the family featured in the trailer has nothing to do with the game, even if the game is not quite ready for prime time. It was a bit of manipulative genius to put this out there, sort of like a girl who’s not quite sure she’s ready to date making a match.com profile to see if she can reel in anything worthy enough to make her try. The Dead Island trailer was bait. And we all took a bite."

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GTA: Vice City, Duke Nukem 3D Certified Totally Rape-Free

Choire Sicha — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 09:00:56 +0000

"An editorial on Friday about the Supreme Court’s review of a California law barring the sale or rental of violent video games to minors incorrectly described the content of three games. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Postal 2, and Duke Nukem 3D graphically depict many repellent acts. They do not depict rape."
—What happens when people defend the right of unpleasant speech who have still never walked a mile in Tommy Vercetti's shoes. Still, a counterpoint: "Wait, does getting your money back from a hooker by beating her up count as rape?"

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Videogame Mocks Everything America Stands For

Alex Balk — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 11:00:25 +0000

This makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH.

On Oct. 12 Electronic Arts, one of the world's biggest game publishers, is set to release a first-person combat title called Medal of Honor. Developed with advice from elite American special forces, the new game is set during Operation Anaconda, part of the Western war in Afghanistan that followed the Sept. 11 attacks.

So far, so conventional. But in Medal of Honor's online multiplayer mode, in which teams of players battle over the Internet, one side in each match will be the Americans and the other side will play the role of Taliban fighters.

New York Times videogame critic Seth Schiesel predictably tries to explain why this is not a big deal, using the kind of mealy-mouthed and obfuscatory words we'd expect from a paper whose agenda is dictated each morning by the imams in Iran, but I think we can all agree that this is WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL. When the Taliban attacked the World Trade Center on that dark day they committed the greatest atrocity against humanity ever perpetrated. The fact that less than 10 years later these purveyors of video garbage think it's acceptable for gamers to portray them-even in multiplayer mode-is a deliberate punch in the gut to every loyal American who knows that the events of September 11 are a gaping wound which will never ever heal, and never should. We need to remain eternally vigilant. (I, in fact, think we should shoot down every airplane that flies over Manhattan, just in case, but I'm aware that this viewpoint is slightly out of the mainstream and I don't want my agenda to distract from the outrage that we should all be manipulated into here.)

And do you want to know the worst part? I called the national videogame chain GameStop to see if they planned to carry this filth, AND THEY DO. AT THEIR 270 GREENWICH STREET LOCATION. Non-New Yorkers might be unfamiliar with the neighborhoods of the city, but 270 Greenwich is FEET AWAY FROM GROUND ZERO. I mean, thousands of feet, but it's practically right there. It is like GameStop is digging up the corpses from that pit of horror and sticking a controller in their hands and making them play a videogame IN THE ROLE OF THEIR TALIBAN KILLERS.

Now, look, I understand we have a First Amendment in this country. I'm not saying GameStop shouldn't be able to sell their MULTIPLAYER JIHAD KILLER MUSLIM GAME blocks away from the most awful attack in the world's history, I'm saying that just because you HAVE a First Amendment right doesn't mean you should be able to EXERCISE it. Or even have it, really. If GameStop wants to be sensitive to the victims of Ground Zero, and their families, and New York, and Jesus and Pat Tillman and every good-hearted white-faced person in America, they will do the right thing move this game to where it belongs: their outlet in Times Square. I'm not going to stand for this. Who's with me?

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New Abstinence Videogame Like 'Avatar,' But Without Tail-Knocking

Alex Balk — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:35:15 +0000

A new videogame will help middle school students learn how to say no when sex pops up its head and rubs its firm, grasping hands up and down their bodies. Or something. I don't know. I thought videogames were already a good way of preventing sex.

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Why Is Crime Down? Is It... Mario Brothers?

Choire Sicha — Mon, 24 May 2010 15:44:18 +0000

People are hot for The New Theories about violent videogames and violent popular art in relation to the crime rate. Already back in 2008, one study thought perhaps "violent films prevent violent crime by attracting would-be assailants and keeping them cloistered in darkened, alcohol-free environs." Now some are thinking much the same about Grand Theft Auto, et al. (Also probably Mario Brothers. Really do you know what the body count is in Mario, if you count Shellcreepers and Koopa Troopas and whatnot?) Still, the more popular view is still that the insanely high incarceration level is what keeps the current crime rate low-ish. But that sort of neglects the fact that a substantial number of people in American prisons (in state prisons, a full half) aren't actually violent criminals, right?

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