With the news cycle set to "fast" these days, we often lose track of people who seemed to be all over the media landscape not so long ago. Today, we revisit a figure you may well have forgotten: Pope Francis. What has the old fellow been up to, since his 15 minutes passed? Oh, just living life the way any older person might go about their business. Here, some people are helping him unlock his apartment after a mishap. The people helping Francis are telling him that there's a spare key in case he loses this one again. It's going to be all right!

And here's Francis "in [...]

"Cardinal O'Brien has been accused of committing 'inappropriate acts' in his relations with three priests and one former priest from the diocese of St. Andrews and Edinburgh, British newspaper The Observer reported Sunday. O'Brien has been an outspoken opponent of gay rights." —Britain's top Catholic cardinal is skipping the papal election because of new revelations that he tried to bone four different priests. I wonder if reporters laugh when typing this stuff the way I laugh when reading it.

"Pope Benedict, accused by victims' lawyers of being ultimately responsible for a cover-up of sexual abuse of children by priests, cannot be called to testify at any trial because he has immunity as a head of state, a top Vatican legal official said on Thursday." OMG LOL, POPE RATZI, you are TOO MUCH! GOOD ONE.

No but seriously, get ready to get deposed, schmuck.

There's a new pope! UPDATE: IT IS … uh, it's in Latin. Francesco something? JORGE MARIO BERGOGLIO. The world will not end after all, unless this latest Last Pope is the real Last Pope. There was white smoke, some inexplicable cheering, and then it was all over.

So … he's one of the oldest (the oldest?) cardinal there. He is an ultra-conservative Argentinian. And, after walking out and looking confused, as old men often do, said some terrifying thing about how he will bring about the End of the World. What's the translation here? No, he's from the end of the world. He's a time traveler. He came here [...]

As a Catholic, I'm not buying this. Popes don't just quit because they're tired. What's going on here??

— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 11, 2013

When the most trusted man in America says something like "What's going on here?", then something is most certainly going on here. Popes, after all, do not "quit" like some deluded star of a network situation comedy. Popes "quit" in the way the mythological first pope, Saint Peter, gave up the duties of his office: by upside-down crucifixion. Or, more generally, death. As Joseph Ratzinger is not technically dead, he is the pope until death, unless he believes he is mightier than God [...]

Micro-blogging service Twitter struggles with corporate and celebrity users who refuse to follow industry standards for social media engagement. Case in point: Twitter user @Pontifex, apparently an elderly World War II veteran with an inexplicably large online following, has outraged millions of Twitter users by refusing to follow anyone but his own duplicate accounts. The rudeness reached such a point today that the end-user has finally given in to intense pressure to retire his Twitter accounts and also give up his job leading a global pedophilia ring headquartered in a European castle.

But there is a #fail even with this alleged cessation of the @Pontifex Twitter account, which [...]

The biggest buildup in history to the 90-second process of signing up for a free Twitter account has now come to an end, as famous World War II German soldier and anti-gay marriage activist "Pope Bendict XVI" finally has another Twitter account. His name, on Twitter, is @pontifex, which is a portmanteau of … who knows, something about "penis." All the good Twitter handles are taken. Where's your god now, Joseph Ratzinger?

We tried to find this new account, @pontifex, by searching on Twitter. But it doesn't appear to exist, yet? Maybe it's not "live." Pope's got to roll out slowly, we suppose. So he doesn't [...]