@NBCNewYork: UPDATE: Suspected explosive device found on UPS truck in Queens

@BreakingNews Bomb found on Yemen-Chicago UPS cargo flight during London stop – CNN

@kfinews: Airports in Philly and Newark reporting alleged suspicious packages on cargo planes. NYPD says similar situation on UPS truck.

@NYC911: Brooklyn has now a suspicious package at a UPS loading dock.

@NBCNewYork: UPDATE: Suspected explosive device found on UPS truck in Queens

All your suspicious packages are everywhere.

Dozens or thousands of angry nerds and homosexuals are calling UPS today, because their shiny new iPhone 3GS's-which were previously guaranteed for delivery today, for those who paid for overnight delivery-are being held up at least an extra day at Apple's request.

UPS will start selling suitcase-sized boxes at its retail outlets so weary air travelers can ship their luggage from place to place, thus alleviating themselves from the twin hassles of checking bags at the airport and retrieving said bags from luggage carousels after flights. The demographic being targeted here is apparently "people of leisure," since:

You know the irksome longhair who scribbles on the whiteboard in those horrible UPS commercials with the Postal Service as the soundtrack? Turns out he's actually one of the ad guys responsible for the campaign. So now you have two reasons to hate him.