The Awl http://www.theawl.com/ Be Less Stupid Fri, 08 Apr 2011 15:17:34 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 Why is Baseball Destroying the Word "Epic"? http://www.theawl.com/2011/04/why-is-baseball-destroying-the-word-epic http://www.theawl.com/2011/04/why-is-baseball-destroying-the-word-epic#comments Fri, 08 Apr 2011 15:17:34 +0000 Dave Bry http://www.theawl.com/2011/04/why-is-baseball-destroying-the-word-epic I like Major League Baseball a lot. But I do not like its new marketing campaign, "MLB Always Epic." At all. This is because I like the word "epic." Or I used to, at least. But now it doesn't mean anything any more, and the new MLB television commercials are the most glaring examples of that fact that I've seen.

I don't mean to be a prig. Language is fluid, the meanings and usages of words change over time, and I'm fine with that. I even like it. But it still makes me a little sad to see a word go from specificity to vagueness, to watch all its power drained away just because a nation of fraternity brothers did bong hits and watched The Return of the King. (That's my guess as to how this started.)

I came to like the word "epic" when I was young and reading the The Lord of the Rings and listening to Led Zeppelin songs like "Kashmir" and "Achilles Last Stand" all the time. (And as I understand it, the word bears connotation to some even earlier examples of cultural achievement!) I learned that it was meant to describe something heroic and grand in scope, something long—a story taking place over many years, and many miles, and involving lots of characters. And I'm sure part of the reason I liked it was because it sounded as sharp as Aragorn's sword itself. ("Anduril"—Sindarin for "Flame of the West.")

You know what I think the word epic would not describe? A beard.

Or a baseball pitcher's arm.

Or, most confusingly of all, someone's name.

I mean, I understand that all these things might be accurately described by one of the aspects of the word. Brian Wilson's beard is pretty long, I guess. I suppose Felix Hernandez's arm could be described as "heroic" (although, I don't much like that it would be). "Ubaldo Jimenez" does, technically, include a lot of characters. But not that many.

But something described as being epic ought to display much more than just one aspect of the word. It ought to encompass its full meaning. The fewer things described with a word, the more specific we are with our use of it, the greater the impact the word has. By playing it so loose with meaning, MLB is wasting a good strong word and contributing to the dilution of language. I know they're not the first—as I've said, I've heard the youngs using "epic" as a synonym for "awesome," for a while now. But soon it will just be (as awesome is, pretty much) a synonym for "cool," or "good." And then the way that people say things like, "Oh, cool, it's warm out," people will say, "Oh man, I just read this haiku about a single drop of water dropping of a single leaf and landing with a slight ripple in a small pond. It was EPIC!!!"

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]]> I like Major League Baseball a lot. But I do not like its new marketing campaign, "MLB Always Epic." At all. This is because I like the word "epic." Or I used to, at least. But now it doesn't mean anything any more, and the new MLB television commercials are the most glaring examples of that fact that I've seen.

I don't mean to be a prig. Language is fluid, the meanings and usages of words change over time, and I'm fine with that. I even like it. But it still makes me a little sad to see a word go from specificity to vagueness, to watch all its power drained away just because a nation of fraternity brothers did bong hits and watched The Return of the King. (That's my guess as to how this started.)

I came to like the word "epic" when I was young and reading the The Lord of the Rings and listening to Led Zeppelin songs like "Kashmir" and "Achilles Last Stand" all the time. (And as I understand it, the word bears connotation to some even earlier examples of cultural achievement!) I learned that it was meant to describe something heroic and grand in scope, something long—a story taking place over many years, and many miles, and involving lots of characters. And I'm sure part of the reason I liked it was because it sounded as sharp as Aragorn's sword itself. ("Anduril"—Sindarin for "Flame of the West.")

You know what I think the word epic would not describe? A beard.

Or a baseball pitcher's arm.

Or, most confusingly of all, someone's name.

I mean, I understand that all these things might be accurately described by one of the aspects of the word. Brian Wilson's beard is pretty long, I guess. I suppose Felix Hernandez's arm could be described as "heroic" (although, I don't much like that it would be). "Ubaldo Jimenez" does, technically, include a lot of characters. But not that many.

But something described as being epic ought to display much more than just one aspect of the word. It ought to encompass its full meaning. The fewer things described with a word, the more specific we are with our use of it, the greater the impact the word has. By playing it so loose with meaning, MLB is wasting a good strong word and contributing to the dilution of language. I know they're not the first—as I've said, I've heard the youngs using "epic" as a synonym for "awesome," for a while now. But soon it will just be (as awesome is, pretty much) a synonym for "cool," or "good." And then the way that people say things like, "Oh, cool, it's warm out," people will say, "Oh man, I just read this haiku about a single drop of water dropping of a single leaf and landing with a slight ripple in a small pond. It was EPIC!!!"

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/04/why-is-baseball-destroying-the-word-epic/feed 21 Strange New Energy Drink Ad Promotes Hallucinogenic Drug Use http://www.theawl.com/2010/05/strange-new-energy-drink-ad-promotes-hallucinogenic-drug-use http://www.theawl.com/2010/05/strange-new-energy-drink-ad-promotes-hallucinogenic-drug-use#comments Thu, 06 May 2010 11:50:00 +0000 Dave Bry http://www.theawl.com/2010/05/strange-new-energy-drink-ad-promotes-hallucinogenic-drug-use Seemingly inspired by the Friskies "Adventureland" commercial we can't stop talking about (and, even more so, the ecstasy-trip-in-the-supermarket scene from Doug Liman's enjoyable and underappreciated 1999 movie, Go) the Sobe beverage company has made a funny new ad for their Lifewater line of energy drinks.

It starts out in that all-too-familiar setting for TV ads, the sickly-lit corporate office, where a bored, possibly drunk Human Resources employee is entertaining himself and none of his colleagues by making offensive jokes during a tepid birthday party. But then he takes a sip of Cherimoya punch-flavored Sobe Lifewater and starts to hallucinate. He envisions that his co-worker Joe is wearing a giant lizard costume and, for a moment, it looks like he might puke. Like maybe cherimoya punch has peyote in it. (Cherimoya. That can't be a real word, can it? Oh, yes, it is. Huh!) But then he gets into it, and for him, the lame office party becomes a totally awesome, luau-style blowout. He's transported in his mind to a tropical beach, where Twilight actress Ashley Greene is posing for a photo shoot in a painted-on bikini. There are jammin' tunes there, too!-groovy, fun-in-the-sun surf music from up-and-coming young Brooklyn rocker Brad Oberhofer. Of course, the guy is really just embarrassing himself, because his colleagues aren't tripping on drugs like he is. So he'll probably get fired for taking off his shirt and dancing like that. Anyway, here's the scene from Go:

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]]> Seemingly inspired by the Friskies "Adventureland" commercial we can't stop talking about (and, even more so, the ecstasy-trip-in-the-supermarket scene from Doug Liman's enjoyable and underappreciated 1999 movie, Go) the Sobe beverage company has made a funny new ad for their Lifewater line of energy drinks.

It starts out in that all-too-familiar setting for TV ads, the sickly-lit corporate office, where a bored, possibly drunk Human Resources employee is entertaining himself and none of his colleagues by making offensive jokes during a tepid birthday party. But then he takes a sip of Cherimoya punch-flavored Sobe Lifewater and starts to hallucinate. He envisions that his co-worker Joe is wearing a giant lizard costume and, for a moment, it looks like he might puke. Like maybe cherimoya punch has peyote in it. (Cherimoya. That can't be a real word, can it? Oh, yes, it is. Huh!) But then he gets into it, and for him, the lame office party becomes a totally awesome, luau-style blowout. He's transported in his mind to a tropical beach, where Twilight actress Ashley Greene is posing for a photo shoot in a painted-on bikini. There are jammin' tunes there, too!-groovy, fun-in-the-sun surf music from up-and-coming young Brooklyn rocker Brad Oberhofer. Of course, the guy is really just embarrassing himself, because his colleagues aren't tripping on drugs like he is. So he'll probably get fired for taking off his shirt and dancing like that. Anyway, here's the scene from Go:

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/05/strange-new-energy-drink-ad-promotes-hallucinogenic-drug-use/feed 6 Zach Braff Uses His Tongue For Toilet Paper http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/zach-braff-uses-his-tongue-for-toilet-paper http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/zach-braff-uses-his-tongue-for-toilet-paper#comments Tue, 06 Oct 2009 14:00:54 +0000 Dave Bry http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/zach-braff-uses-his-tongue-for-toilet-paper "Never has adorableness sounded so effortful. Never have an adult male's vocal cords issued so many cutesy sing-songs and plush purrs. Everything I dislike about the schmaltzy, doofus-y Braff seems to have been compressed into this single 30-second performance." Slate's Seth Stevenson rightfully criticizes Zach Braff's voice-over work for Cottonelle toilet paper.

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]]> "Never has adorableness sounded so effortful. Never have an adult male's vocal cords issued so many cutesy sing-songs and plush purrs. Everything I dislike about the schmaltzy, doofus-y Braff seems to have been compressed into this single 30-second performance." Slate's Seth Stevenson rightfully criticizes Zach Braff's voice-over work for Cottonelle toilet paper.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/10/zach-braff-uses-his-tongue-for-toilet-paper/feed 9 BlackBerry Loves Stupid U2 Song So Much They're Going To Play It For Us Again And Again And Again http://www.theawl.com/2009/08/blackberry-loves-stupid-u2-song-so-much-theyre-going-to-play-it-for-us-again-and-again-and-again http://www.theawl.com/2009/08/blackberry-loves-stupid-u2-song-so-much-theyre-going-to-play-it-for-us-again-and-again-and-again#comments Thu, 27 Aug 2009 13:20:33 +0000 Dave Bry http://www.theawl.com/2009/08/blackberry-loves-stupid-u2-song-so-much-theyre-going-to-play-it-for-us-again-and-again-and-again bonoWell of course I think U2 is overrated, their longevity having now earned them a spot in the consensus rock pantheon that the quality of their music never would have otherwise. But to give credit where it's due, they have made some great music ("One" is about a well-crafted a pop song as you get, I think.) And Bono puts his money (or, well, other rich people's money, probably... but he puts his time and effort) where his mouth is when it comes to trying to make the world a better place. He's a force for good. Fine.

But this new BlackBerry commercial that's running every ten minutes on TV is burning through my goodwill fast. (I won't even put it up here. You've surely seen it more times than want to, right? Here's a link, if not.) Man, that is some crap, paint-by-the-numbers U2. All ringing high-notes guitar and bombastic melody and premature ejaculation. Even worse is the lyrics: "Every generation has a chance to save the world..." Yes, yes, we know, we know... Something something something and then: "I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight!"

Yulch. If you're going to go crazy either way, couldn't you save it for a night when we don't have to watch you bathed in sparkles and confetti or whatever, with the stage light reflecting off your futureman shades? Could you give us a break? It's been a long summer.

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]]> bonoWell of course I think U2 is overrated, their longevity having now earned them a spot in the consensus rock pantheon that the quality of their music never would have otherwise. But to give credit where it's due, they have made some great music ("One" is about a well-crafted a pop song as you get, I think.) And Bono puts his money (or, well, other rich people's money, probably... but he puts his time and effort) where his mouth is when it comes to trying to make the world a better place. He's a force for good. Fine.

But this new BlackBerry commercial that's running every ten minutes on TV is burning through my goodwill fast. (I won't even put it up here. You've surely seen it more times than want to, right? Here's a link, if not.) Man, that is some crap, paint-by-the-numbers U2. All ringing high-notes guitar and bombastic melody and premature ejaculation. Even worse is the lyrics: "Every generation has a chance to save the world..." Yes, yes, we know, we know... Something something something and then: "I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight!"

Yulch. If you're going to go crazy either way, couldn't you save it for a night when we don't have to watch you bathed in sparkles and confetti or whatever, with the stage light reflecting off your futureman shades? Could you give us a break? It's been a long summer.

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