The first in a pair of essays today on being an expat in Berlin.

When I first moved to Berlin this summer, there was a big piece of graffiti in the courtyard next to my front door. "Tourists fuck off," it said, in cheerful blue spray paint. It didn't really bother me at first—I wasn't a tourist, I was moving here; I speak German and have a German passport. And who loves tourists anyways? In New York, where I'd lived for the past six years, hating on tourists was part of what defined you as a New Yorker. Being rude to slow-walking Scandinavians wasn't just a way of [...]

With the 2012 London Olympics drawing ever closer, Britain's national tourism agency wants to make sure that the tradespeople of Knifecrime Island show their least stabby faces to international visitors. To that end, VistiBritain has provided a helpful list of foreign characteristics aimed at avoiding offense. They're all pretty great, but if I had to pick just five it would be these.

Help a tourist! "I know this is a semi-silly question with near infinite possibilities for answers, but what should I be doing to feel a little less like a tourist while I'm in Manhattan this weekend?"

Acapulco: Not That Many Decapitations Per Capita

Touring The French Riviera? Well Heads Up Because For Some Reason The Casinos Make You Wear Shoes

Detroit — Don't Bother Locking Up When You’re Done

Berlin: Now With Flights To Barcelona!

Come To Sunny South Africa (Unless You Fear Black People, Of Course)

South Korea, Where That Quiet Weirdo From College Moved Shortly Before Never Being Heard From Again

Hey, America, howyoudoin'?

Hahaha, I kid! I know that's the sort of greeting so many of you associate with me, New York City, but I assure you I am much more classy and sophisticated than the impression given by the many television sitcoms and Hollywood exaggerations you have seen over the years. I exude elegance. I am, of course, the Greatest City in the World. You should come see for yourself!

"Background radiation in the accident zone is still well above normal," says CNN, about the Chernobyl exclusion zone, which is going to be opened to tourists! Awesome. I would love to go see this, actually. But also, says CNN, "visitors receive a dose comparable to the exposure they would receive on a trans-Atlantic flight." Got that? High radiation; just like flying to London.

Dear riders of the Powell-Mason cable car line in San Francisco, late summer 1991,

Sorry for flashing you.