"We understand that you refuse to release this frustrated whale because he is your chief sperm bank, and we know from SeaWorld's own director of safety (as well as videos on the web) that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow's vagina filled with hot water. Even during my wildest days with Motley Crue, I never could've imagined something so sick and twisted. Simply put, how can SeaWorld claim that trainers no longer have direct contact with this whale when they are jacking him off? That is about as 'direct' as it gets. I hope it [...]

Dean Winters is going to have to step it up in those new Allstate Insurance ads. Tommy Lee better get a new tattoo. Peter Olczak, of Port Murray, New Jersey is a better personification of "mayhem" than either one of those goody-goodies. Olczak, 59, was arrested three times in 24 hours this past weekend. Twice for disorderly conduct (which is usually just known as "conduct" in New Jersey) and once for criminal trespass. No insurance policy could save you from him.

When I was growing up on the New Jersey shore, my local newspaper was The Asbury Park Press. A fine local newspaper. When I was in high school, the Press had, like many small papers, a weekly Police Blotter, reporting recent arrests and criminal activity. Needless to say, having one's name appear in the Police Blotter was a great boon to one's social-status. Today, browsing the various sections of the APP website, I noticed that the Police Blotter has been renamed. It is now apparently called "Jersey Mayhem."