Pick your poison, because THIS is what's out there today: "Princess Diana opened her Christmas presents weeks in advance, private letters reveal" or "The Simpsons may affect view of nuclear plants: prof." It is an ENTIRE INTERNET full of "And That's When I Clicked 'Close Tab.'" Can't we just call it Christmas already? 16
Why Didn't You Tell Me About Chooching? @2:35 PM
I can't recall the whole story, because I don't have the issue with me, but there's a story in the latest Private Eye about something that the Darlington, England, council did recently, I'm not precise on the details—God, this is like the worst blog post ever—but it involved the embarrassing use of the word "chooching," which is completely new to me. Apparently, it means to masturbate while crying. Am I like the last person in the world to have learned this? And, if so, why? Because I'm familiar as hell with the act, I just had no idea they had given a name to it. Anyway, for your files. 47
Kanye West Heads List Of People Who Didn't Die @1:30 PM
Internet rumors that popular musician Kanye West perished in an automobile accident are completely untrue. Also not dying today: troubled singer Amy Winehouse (heroin overdose), screenwriter Diablo Cody (lockjaw), ABC News White House correspondent Jake Tapper (exposure to second-hand smoke), sculptor Isamu Noguchi (already dead), and Louisiana Senator David Vitter (napkin dermatitis). So don't believe any of these if you see them. Except Noguchi. 10
The Day The Clown Cried @12:49 PM
I'm trying my best, but I'm am having an extremely hard time pulling anything out of this day. I mean, Jesus, snakes with one leg? Giant man-eating birds? Malcolm Gladwell, seducer extraordinaire? EVERYTHING SEEMS WRONG. Maybe I have swine flu. I'm gonna put my head down on the desk and… well, that's as far as I've gotten. 12
Coroner Rules Michael Jackson Still Still Dead @3:00 PM
"Michael Jackson's death was a homicide caused by 'acute propofol intoxication,' the Los Angeles County coroner rules," says the CNN BREAKING ALERT. Didn't this already happen? Are we in some kind of terrible Groundhog Dayesque nightmare where this summer continues on infinite loop? Because I will not abide it. 2
