With the news cycle set to "fast" these days, we often lose track of people who seemed to be all over the media landscape not so long ago. Today, we revisit a figure you may well have forgotten: Pope Francis. What has the old fellow been up to, since his 15 minutes passed? Oh, just living life the way any older person might go about their business. Here, some people are helping him unlock his apartment after a mishap. The people helping Francis are telling him that there's a spare key in case he loses this one again. It's going to be all right!

And here's Francis "in [...]

Rick Santorum, eager to show that he will stand up for Catholic values, has been saying things about the recent Health and Human Services regulation that now requires Catholic universities and hospitals to provide access to contraception and the morning-after pill. Santorum has accused the Obama administration of being "hostile to people of faith, particularly Christians and specifically Catholics.” He's even gone so far as to vow that he "will make it an issue every day of this campaign," until the Obama administration reinstates conscience protections. Santorum has also spoken up forcefully against same-sex marriage, which the Pope has—yes, again—recently condemned (in some really extreme terms, too).

Santorum [...]

"The Vatican has vetoed three of Barack Obama's potential nominees as US ambassador amid a growing dispute between the White House and the Roman Catholic church over the new administration's support for abortion rights and the lifting of a ban on stem cell research."

The Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church are gathering, right now, to start the process of electing the next pope. Exciting stuff, eh? No, not really, to be honest! What will almost certainly happen is that this group of old ecclesiastics, all of whom were chosen by one of the last two popes, will be shut up in the mildly cramped but relatively posh digs of the Apostolic Palace, and will take a few days, tops, to come to a consensus on who the next pope will be. Maybe the winner will be a surprise, and maybe the conclave will end on the first vote for once, or will extend [...]

The founder of the International Association of Exorcists (I know) has come up with a theory about why bishops and priests just can't stop molesting children. It's Satan! Also "cardinals who do not believe in Jesus, and bishops who are linked to the Demon." There is Satan there too. He also noted that Satan "makes fun of me."

Joseph Ratzinger, the World War II hero who miraculously became the pope even after his army lost the war, is jumping on the Twitter bandwagon—if by "jumping" you mean "having his handlers announce, two months in advance, that a papal Twitter account will be launched at year's end." Also, the pope will not actually be typing crazy tweets about Obama being a Kenyan and gay people not being able to get married because they are infected by Satan. (Just kidding, the latter position is actually Vatican doctrine.) What kind of elderly sociopath right-wing public figure doesn't type his or her own insane observations on Twitter? Somebody doesn't understand Twitter is [...]

"You'll get up to 2,000 euros … Do not touch his balls. You need the money. Put on some music, take out the [inaudible], swallow the Viagra, and adelante!" Annnd that is how the pimps work in the Vatican. Unless this wiretap transcript was somehow misconstrued? MAYBE, like with Rod Blagojevich, and who knew any of us would still be able to spell that name without Googling it, that was a perfectly innocent conversation between the fella who allegedly handled the choir boys at St. Peter's and the former head of the Holy See's Public Works Department, which, I'm sorry, I have to go WORK ON MY SCREENPLAY ABOUT [...]