The Awl

Robots Better At iPhone Video Games Than Humans

Dave Bry — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 15:30:15 +0000

This is actually not a bad idea at all. Californian robot-making company Adept Technology has programmed their top-of-the-line Quattro robot to play the iPhone app video game 1to50, a speed test in which the player finds and touches the numbers 1 to 50 arranged randomly on the screen pad. To no one's surprise, the robot quickly set a new record with a time of 6.67 seconds (besting the current human record of 7.85.) Distracting the robots with iPhone video games might give us enough of a window to make a run for it. Here's a video with a wider-angle view, so you can see the whole robot machine. (Don't bother trying to get his attention, though.)

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Imminent Rise of the Robot Helicopter Machines!

Dave Bry — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 15:40:28 +0000

"With all due respect to truckers, cargo pilots and other professional haulers, transporting goods across vast distances is looking more and more like a waste of our species' time, opposable thumbs and easily bored brains." Popular Mechanics says unmanned aerial vehicles like the Snowgoose Bravo, made by the Canadian company Mmist, should be deployed right away to carry our stuff for us. (You know the guys in Mmist's AV department were pissed when they couldn't get the rights to "Lunatic Fringe" for that video, right?) But, really, wouldn't we just use our opposable thumbs and easily bored brains to tie the robot helicopters to our penises? Also reported in PM: the fact that the Department of Defense has mandated that a third of all military vehicles be autonomous by 2015 and the opinion that, "That's not soon enough." I say, that's probably far too soon, and definitely terrifying!

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Robots Taking Over Sooner Than Expected--They Got Janet, Too!

Dave Bry — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:36:48 +0000

I'm starting to think that the singularity has already occurred and I just didn't notice it up to this point. Apparently, computer intelligence has already gotten more advanced that the human brain and figured out how to fuse itself with human cell tissue and that the robots are already reprogramming themselves and re-enhancing themselves and regenerating themselves-into today's leading hip-hop and R&B stars.

It should have been obvious, I guess, when all that autotune started making Hot 97's broadcast sound like one long conversation between HAL and C-3PO. But our carbon-based brains are simple, and usually require physical evidence to be convinced. Still, no one really noticed that Beyonce had a robot hand after she morphed into Sasha Fierce mode last year.

The, maybe a month ago, Chris Brown displayed his own prosthetic claw-piece, one that traveled higher up the arm.

When Lil Wayne and Swizz Beatz joined him in transforming into cybertronic Autobot sports cars and firetrucks in the video for the hit "I Can Transform Ya," I started to suspect something fishy was going on. Normal rappers and R&B stars can't turn into sports cars and fire trucks. The cover to 50 Cent's new album, Before I Self Destruct, makes it pretty apparent, too, as his synthetic outer layer cracks apart and melts away, revealing the titanium core within.

Now the lovable, sweet-voiced, former child star Janet Jackson has apparently disassembled and rebuilt herself as a bionic half-woman-half-machine with shiny, metal, six-million-dollar shoulder hinges-as evidenced by the snippet from the video to her new single, "Make Me."

We're totally dead.

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