The Awl

Man Does Not Want You To Speak Out

Alex Balk — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:50:51 +0000

"The Pope has urged people to be quieter."

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Heebs Off The Hook For Christ-Killing, Sez Pope

Alex Balk — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 11:00:36 +0000

Good news, Jews: Pope Benedict XVI has cleared you of collective responsibility for killing the shaygetz god Jesus Christ. Benny, who, as the AP delicately notes, "has had his share of mishaps with Jews," takes up the issue in his new book, Jesus of Nazareth 2: Bigger and Blacker, wherein he "re-enacts Jesus' final hours, then analyzes each Gospel account to explain why Jews as a whole cannot be blamed for having turned him over. Rather, Benedict concludes, it was the Jewish leadership, the 'Temple aristocracy' and a few supporters of the figure Barabbas who were responsible, but not Jews as a whole." So that's sorted, then. As of press time, however, Jews still retain collective responsibility for Yentl, running the New York Mets into the ground and kasha varnishkes, which are just plain nasty.

Photo by Sergey Gabdurakhmanov.

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John Paul II One Stunt Away From Sainthood

Dave Bry — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 10:10:55 +0000

"Church officials believe that the Polish pope, who himself suffered from the condition, interceded for the miraculous cure of Sister Marie Simon-Pierre, a Frenchwoman in her late forties. She has said her illness inexplicably disappeared two months after John Paul II's death, after she and her fellow nuns had prayed to him. Church-appointed doctors agreed that there was no medical explanation for the curing of the nun, although last year there were some doubts about the validity of the miracle. A Polish newspaper said that a doctor who scrutinised the nun's case had concluded that she might have been suffering not from Parkinson's, but from a nervous disorder from which temporary recovery is medically possible."
—Pope Benedict XVI has officially declared the first miracle attributed to his predecessor. They just need to find one more, and the late John Paull II will be beatified as a saint. Shouldn't take too long. There's magic everywhere in this bitch.

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Both Sides Should Apologize For Their Bad Germans

Alex Balk — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 13:00:05 +0000

"The pope did not go far enough. Radical atheists like the British Humanist Association should apologize for Hitler. But they should not stop there. They also need to issue an apology for the 67 million innocent men, women and children murdered under Stalin, and the 77 million innocent Chinese killed by Mao. Hitler, Stalin and Mao were all driven by a radical atheism, a militant and fundamentally dogmatic brand of secular extremism. It was this anti-religious impulse that allowed them to become mass murderers. By contrast, a grand total of 1,394 were killed during the 250 years of the Inquisition, most all of whom were murdered by secular authorities."
-Catholic League president Bill Donohue is keeping score.

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Pope Knows All About What They Get Up To On Knifecrime Island

Alex Balk — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 15:00:53 +0000

You'll enjoy this: "Pilgrims attending the large public events during Pope Benedict's visit to England and Scotland next month have been issued a long list of do's and don'ts including a ban on musical instruments and"-wait for it, wait for it... okay, here it comes-"steel cutlery." So very satisfying!

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Pope Bros Out

Alex Balk — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 14:50:08 +0000

If you ever wanted to see what the Pope looks like in a baseball cap, well, now's your chance.

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The Pope Moves In Mysterious Ways

Alex Balk — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 09:45:59 +0000

"Despite the cloud of volcanic ash, the pope was able to travel." Alright, Pope! Is there anything he can't do? Oh, yeah, comfort the victims of priestly abuse to their satisfaction, which is what he flew to Malta in an attempt to do.

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Pope's Handling Of Abuse Case Not That Big A Deal

Alex Balk — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 10:36:11 +0000

The Times continues its "what did the Pope know and when did he know it" series today, this time with a story that claims Benedict "was kept more closely apprised of a sexual abuse case in Germany than previous church statements have suggested," having been appraised that "a priest, whom he had approved sending to therapy in 1980 to overcome pedophilia, would be returned to pastoral work within days of beginning psychiatric treatment. The priest was later convicted of molesting boys in another parish." Bill Donohue of the Catholic League is unimpressed.

Let's say Archbishop Joseph Ratzinger, now the pope, did in fact learn of the transfer. So what? Wasn't that what he expected to happen? After all, we know from a March 16 Times story that when Ratzinger's subordinates recommended therapy for Hullermann, he approved it. That was the drill of the day: after being treated, the patient (I prefer the term offender) returns to work. It's still the drill of the day in many secular quarters today, particularly in the public schools. A more hard-line approach, obviously, makes more sense, but the therapeutic industry is very powerful.

I am not at all aware of any public schools today where teachers who sexually molest their pupils are given their jobs back after a brief spell of therapy, but if that is in fact the case then I have been underestimating the power of the teachers' unions for way too long. In any event, a response of "So what?" is astoundingly offensive, particularly if you read the documents concerning Rev. Lawrence C. Murphy, the American priest who molested hundreds of deaf students. You can find them here, but I should warn you that they make for horrifying reading. This, for example, comes from an interview with Murphy by the archdiocese of Milwaukee, and is a profile of his victims. The fact that it's handwritten somehow makes it even more terrible.

But, you know, that was all a long time ago, and they did things differently then. So what?

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As If The Pope Doesn't Have Enough Trouble

Alex Balk — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 14:10:56 +0000

"Benedict XVI, like many of his predecessors, is often called on to confront very difficult situations.... The way in which he responds is remarkably efficient, at least for all those who are not guided by totally hostile sentiments, and it is efficient both for its humility and sincerity and for the sound reasoning of the pope. The pastoral letter to the Irish is only the most recent example of his great charisma.... Our people know how to differentiate between human error, and history is full of this, and the huge fruits of goodness which have come and continue to come from our Christian roots."
-As the growing outrage in Europe over past sexual molestation of children by Catholic clergy threatens to consume the papacy of Benedict XVI, the Holy Father-who penned a letter this weekend expressing regret to the Church's Irish victims-can take comfort in the fact that he has the strong support of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Because that's the guy you want by your side during a sex scandal.

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Pope's Brother A Fighter, Not A Lover

Alex Balk — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 09:50:59 +0000

In the wake of another Catholic Church sex scandal, the Pope's brother-a former choirmaster at a church boarding school-admits that he used to slap his young charges around, but denies ever messing with them.

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