"Loose Change" or "Amazing Eights": that's a one-dollar play with a maximum win of $500-or half of what I owe this month. "Lemon Twist" or a crossword: that's two dollars to fix my car and kill off one of my Visas. Five dollars buys me a "Black Series 2" or a "Millionaire Madness." Either one would bring me back to baseline, make me someone who pays her phone bill on time and maybe once a year goes on vacation. A "Platinum Payout" costs ten dollars (eek), but I could both break even and buy a house-not a big one, but that's okay. Yes, I know, Megamillions costs just a [...]

How come everyone who wins the lottery just doesn't know the rules? Basically, it's just like the Final Destination franchise. You are on death's radar. When you win the lottery, you must immediately stop smoking, stop drinking, stop eating meat, you go to the doctor like once a week (or you get your OWN doctor! Live-in!) and you basically put yourself inside the bubble. No jaywalking. No skydiving. No futzing around. And you know why? Because when you win the second biggest lottery in Britain's history you will inevitably drop dead, at the age of 59, just five years later. (If no one stabs you first, of course.) [...]

It's always a difficult moment for those of us who despise the poor tax that is the lottery when someone really poor wins a giant ass truck full of money! Christopher Shaw had $28.96 in his bank, he said, when he spent five dollars on a lottery ticket. So you know: dude, when you have THREE/FIVE KIDS (three of his own, but then two of his girlfriend's), you do not spend 1/6th of your LIFE SAVINGS on LOTTERY TICKETS. Except, I guess, when you do, and are rewarded with $258 million. Please don't all go out and buy a lottery ticket all at once right now.