Thank you for reading our general rules for appropriate attire for this year’s Grammys. The following items are addressed to particular individuals, but should you feel a flicker of recognition as you're reading, by all means pay attention to it even if you don't see your name here.

Christina Aguilera

If you wear a hat it needs to actually be on your head. (If you want to know what a hat looks like on someone’s head, and not just in its general vicinity, Bruno Mars can probably help you.) It’s not that your whimsical askew-ness thing isn’t super adorable. It’s just that we know everyone's going to [...]

The nominees are in. And at first glance, the overwhelming, almost prohibitive favorite here in the "Best New Age Album" category has to be considered Zamora's "Instrumental Oasis Vol. 4," which is astonishing considering where we've been with him. After "Instrumental Oasis Vol. 3," there were many, myself included, who felt that with that bone crunch of an album, the Magical Places genre had nowhere else to go. I mean, not to get fanboyish, but six years later, every time I play the "Midnight Mystery" track (for the thousandth or two-thousandth time), I still find new things in it. That an artist working in Magical could [...]

Since I had no economic imperative to do so and am talented at time-management, I decided against committing to the 3+ hour telecast of last night's Grammy Awards—going instead with breaking news absorption through Twitter, along with watching a few relevant performances (Janelle Monae and Arcade Fire) via our janky, insta-uploaded-to-YouTube commons.

But that doesn't mean I didn't walk through the New York City subway system these last few weeks. "MUSICisLIFEisMUSIC," went the Recording Academy's halfway inspiring but also inescapably vapid manner of posterboard tautology. That toothache you can't get looked at without dental insurance? Oh, well, that's life—which is to say, music! So be sure to enter your [...]

Music critics can't even be bothered to bitch about the Grammys anymore, apparently.