"I think our generation is obsessed with the moon. When we were children, we were told that in the year 2000 we’d be in spaceships and living on the moon. Nothing like that happened. We felt betrayed. Now people stay home in front of the screen. But when we were kids we were supposed to be out of our home, out in space. So I feel like when I make records, I keep the dream alive." —Stop keeping the dream alive, guy from Air. It's an empty, useless dream.
Oh, by all means, let's try and preserve all the VALUABLE HISTORY on the moon. It's SO IMPORTANT that all the footprints and garbage we left up there on previous visits remain intact. Lord knows the moon can't do anything for itself, because it's so USELESS. Ugh, stupid moon! Don't you know it's not going to make a difference once we finally come to our senses and blow you into little tiny chunks of utter worthlessness?
Here are a series of pictures in which people appear to be doing things to the moon. Sadly, none of those things are pounding it in the dark side with such ferocity and single-minded intensity that it crumples into a corner and begs for more because it has finally realized that you are right about it being a totally worthless satellite that is not even good enough for reflective light purposes and it can only find any degree of validation and self-esteem through your firm and vigorous ministrations. But the one where it looks like someone is playing basketball with it is pretty cool. [Via]
"A rock thought to date from the moon's formation points to the satellite being about 200 million years younger than previously calculated, suggesting its history may need to be rewritten." Oh really? Let me handle that for you!
"Earth once had two moons, which merged in a slow-motion collision that took several hours to complete, researchers propose in Nature today…. A previous collision with a smaller companion could explain why the Moon's two sides look so different." Or maybe the moon's two sides look so different because the moon is a STUPID PIECE OF SPACE ROCK. Lick my left one, moon.
NASA/Goddard/Arizona State UniversityFrom the folks at NASA, here is a picture of the moon's ass. It is exactly as unattractive as one would expect of a LITERAL WASTE OF SPACE. God, I hate you so much, you stupid moon. DIE ALREADY. [Via]
Even though I am a confirmed moon-hater—and seriously, FUCK YOU, MOON! I hope someone sticks a giant space spear inside you and splits you into tiny stupid moon pieces—I have to admit that these images taken by Chinese rocket Chang'E 2 are kind of cool. Not cool enough to make me HATE THE FUCKING MOON any less, but still, worth passing on. This one shows the "second luanr orbit trim maneuver, an event witnessed by an engineering camera. Before the maneuver starts, the spacecraft executes a sequence of controlled turns, causing the Moon to swing through the field of view. The firing of the engine begins just after [...]
Click here if you want to see a photo of an ugly, useless bunch of rock that loiters about our orbit hoping to be noticed even though it DESERVES NOTHING BUT SCORN. And here it is trying to look deep and soulful. IT'S NOT WORKING, you pretentious piece of junk.
Hahahaha, suck it, moon! Even your supposedly unique minerals can be found right here on earth! What are you good for, moon? Apart from mockery, NOTHING!
"Hertfordshire Police have released the audio of a male 999 caller reporting a bright UFO 'coming towards him' in his back garden, only to ring back minutes later to declare that its presence was in fact entirely explainable…. When asked by the call handler what he had seen, the man replied sheepishly: 'You're not going to believe this, you're not going to believe it, it's the moon.'"
"Simulations of the Earth’s stability on its axis carried out by American astronomers have suggested that a moonless Earth would still be able to support life." —That's all I need to hear! Let's take that bastard OUT.
You are more likely to get eaten by a lion after a full moon. The official theory is that there is less light, which makes it easier for the lions to hunt you down, but my personal feeling is that it's because THE MOON SUCKS.
Skip ahead to about the 2:00 mark to see last night's lunar eclipse. It is INCREDIBLY LAME, and do you want to know why? Because it's THE FUCKING MOON. Of course it's going to be lame. Can you think of anything more boring than the goddamn moon? Of course not. I hope you get pelted by a non-stop barrage of asteroids until you beg for mercy, moon! Fuck you and your family. Also, it is now officially winter. Bah.
"This is a once in a lifetime event," said some scientist on the 'Today Show' this morning. "How often do we hit the moon?" NOT OFTEN ENOUGH, if these INCREDIBLY UNFULFILLING IMAGES are anything to go by. Where are the explosions? Where is the destruction? The moon is probably LAUGHING AT OUR IMPOTENT RAGE RIGHT NOW. I can hear its smirking, dismissive tone: "You call yourself a planet? That's the best you can do? I've had harder impacts from junk I picked up off the galaxy. Nice try." DAMN YOU, NASA, you've played us all for fools once more.
As someone with a very serious interest in seeing Newt Gingrich at the top of the Republican ticket, I was initially disheartened by his recent promise to put an American base on the moon that would eventually become a state. The idea that the moon—a giant piece of space garbage which even Science has admitted is completely worthless—might get itself two (no doubt obstructionist) Senators and a representative in the House is almost too much to take, because it is the moon. It deserves nothing but scorn and pillage. But then I remembered that Republican industrial and environmental policies are essentially designed to promote exploitation and decay, [...]
Look, we are at this point HOURS AWAY from the winter break. Please do not make me consider the possibility that Earth has two moons. I mean, it actually makes sense, in that the one moon we see all the time is A USELESS PIECE OF GARBAGE THAT CLEARLY CANNOT PULL ITS WEIGHT, but really, I'm SO TIRED RIGHT NOW. I just… can't.
What happened to the doody that astronauts left on the moon? NASA wants to know. So do I! Hopefully it became some kind of genetically-altered doody monster whose sole mission is to eat the moon piece by piece until it disappears completely. But enough about my dreams.
Neil Alden Armstrong, the first human being to dig his heel into the surface of the moon and exclaim, "That's right, moon, you useless piece of crap, I am going to jump up and down on your contemptible crust until you realize just how unnecessary you are. You hear me, moon? I will scratch and scrape at your stupid shell until you beg for mercy, at which point I will give it to you even harder, shouting, 'Take it all, bitch!' until you finally own up to your worthlessness and submit to the superior power of humanity. You're a sorry excuse for a satellite, moon. The hurting starts now. You're [...]
Okay, listen up, moon, I don't like you and you don't like me. So when I hear that you're going to be at your fullest and closest this weekend I know what it's all about: revenge. You're obviously still pissed off about that thing where we tried to blow you up. You're going to sit there, looking close enough to touch, but actually "some 211,600 miles (356,577 km) away." You want me to think I can finally take a swing at you and look ridiculous as I flail about because you're actually hiding safely away in space like the gigantic pussy you are. Forget it, I'm not [...]
We weren't able to blow it up, but at least the moon—that crap-ass satellite that wastes valuable space in the sky and brings irritability and outright craziness everywhere it goes (THAT'S RIGHT, MOON, I AM CALLING YOU OUT! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? OH, JUST SIT THERE SILENTLY IN THE COSMOS LIKE THE BIG DUMB HUNK OF ROCK THAT YOU ARE? I THOUGHT SO. FUCK YOU, MOON!)—will experience a lunar eclipse tonight, so for a very short period of time (at approximately 2:41 a.m., they say) we can pretend that it doesn't exist. It is absolutely worth setting your alarm so that you can get [...]
