The Awl http://www.theawl.com/ Be Less Stupid Sat, 04 Jul 2009 11:45:32 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 A Fifth Of July http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/a-fifth-of-july http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/a-fifth-of-july#comments Sat, 04 Jul 2009 11:45:32 +0000 Joe MacLeod http://www.theawl.com/2009/07/a-fifth-of-july MR. WRONG!I am an American, OK? I was born here, so I can't help it. For that, I don't apologize, here, or even in like, Canada or someplace where they are always telling us (as in U.S.) Americans how we (as in The People) fucked up the whole world. However, to poppy growers in the Afghanistan, I would like to say in my official capacity as an American, you are totally correct, we are Fucking Shit Up for you Over There, sorry, but look, can't we just work it so you guys just get a license to grow Medical Opium and then we'll buy it all off you?

Anyway, right now it is Summer in America, beginning with the 4th of July, a time when I am pleased to reflect on Being American, by being American, goddammit. A Fourth of July! Which many times for me ends up being somewhat more than a Fifth, if you understand my alco-meaning. In these uncertain Economic Times, I heartily endorse the "Rye" flavor of whiskey. In addition to its Potency as a Potable, this shit is gentle on the wallet, and I need a gentle touch right now after trying to get my goddamn above-ground pool set up, Jesus Christ, it's worse than going to fucking College, man, I have to learn shit! Chemistry! Chlorine! Some shit called "Shock! Some other crap called "Sanitizer" (which is probably for when some uninvited, no-drinks-bringing wee one brought to my house for my Fourth of July party by the people I actually invited to the party spontaneously raises the water level), "Water Conditioner!" I mean, seriously, "water conditioner?" So that it will be smooth, shiny and easy to comb? Soda ash! "Swimming Pool Acid!" And this shit is all like, highly corrosive or caustic or whatever, and super-fucking flammable! Kaboom! I'm looking on the Youtube for tips on how to work this fucking swimming pool, and half the Youtubes are of jerkoffs exploding "Chlorine Bombs" in their pools! Idiots!

Meanwhile, back in My America at My Fourth of July party, people all around me (who aren't firing their guns into the air) are gonna be shooting off assloads of Illegal Fireworks, and I'm sitting on a stockpile of Highly Flammable Death-Chemicals that I do not understand! Also: Plumbing! My head hurts! I am now aware of a thing called a "One and one-half inch barbed hose adapter," and also of all the fucking swimming-pool supply places and big-box hardware stores that don't have the goddamn thing in stock, but I need it real bad because the hoses keep popping off the "One and one-half-inch tapered hose adapters" that the Previous Occupant put on the pool, OK? All I wanna do is go swimming in my ghetto-ass above-ground pool on My Fouth of July! You can't even really swim in it because it's eight feet by 12 feet! I just wanna float in it and drink beers, and I had to do Math yesterday to calculate the volume of water in my eight foot wide by 12 foot long by 40 inches deep pool! I'm losing my mind.

Meanwhile, all the College-Graduate experts are surprised and shocked and whatever about how The Unemployment went up to nine-point-whatsis, and it's like, I'm sorry, Fellow Americans and readers of The Awl (as in "Awl-American," get it? Har!), are Uncle-Sam-Wants-you in any way surprised by the fucking rise in The Unemployment? Right? Surprised it ain't in the Double Digits, yes? Who the fuck is surprised by this? Like Former Major Motion Picture Star Arnold Schwarzenegger spake in the Major Motion Picture Raw Deal, "Resign or be prosecuted," all you guys who are Experts in being Surprised by the Most Obvious Shit Ever. Go out and get a goddamn Job, and We The People will take your cush gig being an all Expert at Surprising Underemployment Statisticals or whatever.

And another thing, this fucking Governor or Senator or whatever who is a hiker/philanderer or whatever the fuck and keeps having press conferences and shit? Dude: 1.) SHUT UP; 2.) Resign or be Prosecuted, OK? Shame and disgrace are healthy emotions, man, like Kool & The Gang says, you need to Get Down On It in there inside your brain, feel around a little, and realize you should be ashamed of yourself and fucking disappear, OK? As in from Public Life! You are soiling My America and fucking up my Fourth of July, but when I get back from almost losing my fingers with the fireworks (which nobody ever bitches about were invented in and come from China), I am going to figure out a way to run for Public Office, because goddamn it, that shit is Recession Proof!

As Your Fellow American, I urge you, American Reader of Internet Words, to do the same, man, get elected to something and push one of these fucking losers out on their en-cumbent asses! Seriously, what exactly do you need in the way of Special Skills to be an Elected Official? All you gotta do is be able to stand up and say "Vote For Me," so for reals, after I enjoy the Summer Blockbuster Giant Robots movie, I am working on getting Elected.

Giant Robots were probably invented in Japan, but they are totally American, eh? I mean how inefficient is a Giant Robot? Miniaturization is supposed to be the future, right? All the electronics, getting miniaturer and miniaturer? And what's with these fucking Ver-i-zon teevee commercials where they are always using candy to make the analogy about how many whatevers Verizon has that Cell Phone X doesn't have? Is this some sorta appeal to the Fatass, with the endless gouts of candy spilling outta the piñata and the kabillions of sprinkles dumped all over the ice cream? Stop showing me all the candy to explain your hi-tech point,Verizon! Everybody already has a cell phone, OK, Vertical Horizon company?

So anyway, look, You are an American too, if you want to be, especially if you live here and have a job. Shouldn't like, just, Having a Job entitle you to citizenship? I don't get it. You know what, even if you live in Canada or Uttar Pradesh or Kamchatka or whatever, I say you can be an American if you want. And yeah, the only reason I know where Kamchatka is is because of the fine and economical vodka product I have "enjoyed" many times. I bet you thought I was gonna say from playing at the RISK game, right? Hic! Kamchatka Vahtka, baby! That shit is as American as Violence, eh?

But look, A Fourth of July! It's like, God-damn, America: Let's party! It's my favorite Political Party, man, the Birthday Party, and today it is for the Whole Country. "Party on," etc. I am a registered member of the Birthday Party, wholeheartedly support its platform, and vote in all the primaries. Seriously, my Young American, did you think we would make it another year? Whew! Kaboom!

---

See more posts by Joe MacLeod

4 comments

]]> MR. WRONG!I am an American, OK? I was born here, so I can't help it. For that, I don't apologize, here, or even in like, Canada or someplace where they are always telling us (as in U.S.) Americans how we (as in The People) fucked up the whole world. However, to poppy growers in the Afghanistan, I would like to say in my official capacity as an American, you are totally correct, we are Fucking Shit Up for you Over There, sorry, but look, can't we just work it so you guys just get a license to grow Medical Opium and then we'll buy it all off you?

Anyway, right now it is Summer in America, beginning with the 4th of July, a time when I am pleased to reflect on Being American, by being American, goddammit. A Fourth of July! Which many times for me ends up being somewhat more than a Fifth, if you understand my alco-meaning. In these uncertain Economic Times, I heartily endorse the "Rye" flavor of whiskey. In addition to its Potency as a Potable, this shit is gentle on the wallet, and I need a gentle touch right now after trying to get my goddamn above-ground pool set up, Jesus Christ, it's worse than going to fucking College, man, I have to learn shit! Chemistry! Chlorine! Some shit called "Shock! Some other crap called "Sanitizer" (which is probably for when some uninvited, no-drinks-bringing wee one brought to my house for my Fourth of July party by the people I actually invited to the party spontaneously raises the water level), "Water Conditioner!" I mean, seriously, "water conditioner?" So that it will be smooth, shiny and easy to comb? Soda ash! "Swimming Pool Acid!" And this shit is all like, highly corrosive or caustic or whatever, and super-fucking flammable! Kaboom! I'm looking on the Youtube for tips on how to work this fucking swimming pool, and half the Youtubes are of jerkoffs exploding "Chlorine Bombs" in their pools! Idiots!

Meanwhile, back in My America at My Fourth of July party, people all around me (who aren't firing their guns into the air) are gonna be shooting off assloads of Illegal Fireworks, and I'm sitting on a stockpile of Highly Flammable Death-Chemicals that I do not understand! Also: Plumbing! My head hurts! I am now aware of a thing called a "One and one-half inch barbed hose adapter," and also of all the fucking swimming-pool supply places and big-box hardware stores that don't have the goddamn thing in stock, but I need it real bad because the hoses keep popping off the "One and one-half-inch tapered hose adapters" that the Previous Occupant put on the pool, OK? All I wanna do is go swimming in my ghetto-ass above-ground pool on My Fouth of July! You can't even really swim in it because it's eight feet by 12 feet! I just wanna float in it and drink beers, and I had to do Math yesterday to calculate the volume of water in my eight foot wide by 12 foot long by 40 inches deep pool! I'm losing my mind.

Meanwhile, all the College-Graduate experts are surprised and shocked and whatever about how The Unemployment went up to nine-point-whatsis, and it's like, I'm sorry, Fellow Americans and readers of The Awl (as in "Awl-American," get it? Har!), are Uncle-Sam-Wants-you in any way surprised by the fucking rise in The Unemployment? Right? Surprised it ain't in the Double Digits, yes? Who the fuck is surprised by this? Like Former Major Motion Picture Star Arnold Schwarzenegger spake in the Major Motion Picture Raw Deal, "Resign or be prosecuted," all you guys who are Experts in being Surprised by the Most Obvious Shit Ever. Go out and get a goddamn Job, and We The People will take your cush gig being an all Expert at Surprising Underemployment Statisticals or whatever.

And another thing, this fucking Governor or Senator or whatever who is a hiker/philanderer or whatever the fuck and keeps having press conferences and shit? Dude: 1.) SHUT UP; 2.) Resign or be Prosecuted, OK? Shame and disgrace are healthy emotions, man, like Kool & The Gang says, you need to Get Down On It in there inside your brain, feel around a little, and realize you should be ashamed of yourself and fucking disappear, OK? As in from Public Life! You are soiling My America and fucking up my Fourth of July, but when I get back from almost losing my fingers with the fireworks (which nobody ever bitches about were invented in and come from China), I am going to figure out a way to run for Public Office, because goddamn it, that shit is Recession Proof!

As Your Fellow American, I urge you, American Reader of Internet Words, to do the same, man, get elected to something and push one of these fucking losers out on their en-cumbent asses! Seriously, what exactly do you need in the way of Special Skills to be an Elected Official? All you gotta do is be able to stand up and say "Vote For Me," so for reals, after I enjoy the Summer Blockbuster Giant Robots movie, I am working on getting Elected.

Giant Robots were probably invented in Japan, but they are totally American, eh? I mean how inefficient is a Giant Robot? Miniaturization is supposed to be the future, right? All the electronics, getting miniaturer and miniaturer? And what's with these fucking Ver-i-zon teevee commercials where they are always using candy to make the analogy about how many whatevers Verizon has that Cell Phone X doesn't have? Is this some sorta appeal to the Fatass, with the endless gouts of candy spilling outta the piñata and the kabillions of sprinkles dumped all over the ice cream? Stop showing me all the candy to explain your hi-tech point,Verizon! Everybody already has a cell phone, OK, Vertical Horizon company?

So anyway, look, You are an American too, if you want to be, especially if you live here and have a job. Shouldn't like, just, Having a Job entitle you to citizenship? I don't get it. You know what, even if you live in Canada or Uttar Pradesh or Kamchatka or whatever, I say you can be an American if you want. And yeah, the only reason I know where Kamchatka is is because of the fine and economical vodka product I have "enjoyed" many times. I bet you thought I was gonna say from playing at the RISK game, right? Hic! Kamchatka Vahtka, baby! That shit is as American as Violence, eh?

But look, A Fourth of July! It's like, God-damn, America: Let's party! It's my favorite Political Party, man, the Birthday Party, and today it is for the Whole Country. "Party on," etc. I am a registered member of the Birthday Party, wholeheartedly support its platform, and vote in all the primaries. Seriously, my Young American, did you think we would make it another year? Whew! Kaboom!

---

See more posts by Joe MacLeod

4 comments

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