The Awl http://www.theawl.com/ Be Less Stupid Tue, 14 Sep 2010 14:20:34 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 How to Vote in Wisconsin Today http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/how-to-vote-in-wisconsin-today http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/how-to-vote-in-wisconsin-today#comments Tue, 14 Sep 2010 14:20:34 +0000 Abe Sauer http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/how-to-vote-in-wisconsin-today la folletteBig changes, civic-minded cheeseheads. We hope you're planning to vote, even if you're one of the 20,000-odd out-of-state students at UW-Madison. The polls are open-and they'll remain open until 8 p.m. (For all you coasties, that's 9 p.m.!) Vote your peer-pressured conscience! You can find your Wisconsin polling place here. Not registered? Not to worry, you can register at the polling place. The ballot you receive will be in English-only, because this isn't the frickin' U.N. And now: to the candidates.

There is little contention within the Democratic party for Wisconsin's top offices. Republicans (or spoiler Democrats who want to take advantage of Wisconsin's open primary law to vote for a weaker Republican in a race with an incumbent) are faced with a platter of interesting tea party candidates.

• The Governor's Race: Milwaukee Mayor Fightin' Tom Barrett will be the Dem candidate to replace Jim "Eeyore" Doyle, who is leaving office to comfort-eat his way into another 40 extra pounds. Meanwhile, both Republican hopefuls have been racing to the bottom. A win by money-hiding Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker would promise a big city Milwaukee-sourced state leader all of Wisconsin could agree to resent. Thanks to Scott Walker's recent campaign message, Wisconsin voters know that his Republican opponent Mark Neumann is the same as Nancy Pelosi. So, you know, a primary vote for Mark Neumann is a vote for Nancy Pelosi. (Should he win, what tactic will Walker turn in the general election, given he's already blown his Pelosi wad? Vote for him to find out!)

• Those looking to make Northern Wisconsin a political laughingstock can vote for roll with former Real World: Boston castmate Sean Duffy for the 7th District seat being abandoned by David Obey. Hey ladies, he's endorsed by Sarah Palin!

• There is a four-way Republican race in Wisconsin's 8th District to challenge incumbent Dem, Steve Kagen. The Awl endorses Aaron Rodgers after that awesome performance against the Eagles. Bring it on Buffalo! (Does The Awl have readers in the 8th District?)

• In the senate primary, Republicans can poke their heads up and see the shadow of leading candidate Ron Johnson to guarantee six more weeks of near-slanderous ads about Russ Feingold that will plague every commercial break of every Packer game until November. The self-made married-into-money multi-millionaire is such a spectre of doom that the Cap Times broke its long-held policy of not endorsing primary elections to endorse anyone but Johnson after the candidate said of the manufacturing sector destruction caused by NAFTA and CAFTA, "Well, in a free-market capitalist system, there are always winners and losers." (If Wisconsin teabags Feingold in favor of Johnson in November, the state will have done the nation a grave disservice.)

• Would somebody please cast a vote in the 6th District where 32-year incumbent Republican Tom Petri is running completely unchallenged on either side? Poor guy has probably forgotten all about the feeling of getting votes.

• Wisconsin's 3rd District features a Republican primary between tea party candidate Bruce Evers and ethically challenged candidate Dan Kapanke to take on incumbent Wall Street-owned Democrat Ron Kind in the general election. The Awl endorses dusting off and nuking this district from orbit; it's the only way to be sure.

• In the 2nd District Republicans Chad Lee and Peter Theron are battling to face a challenging general election that will test their abilities to accuse Tammy Baldwin of being a lesbian without actually using the word "lesbian." Chad Lee seems the more wily choice, already having challenging Baldwin to a debate on the subject "The 2nd District is one of the Best Places in America to Live." Chad Lee's team says they will take the affirmative position, which means....

• In the 1st District, Republicans can go and cast a vote for GOP dreamboat Paul Ryan. Sure he's an uncontested incumbent but, OMG! ISN'T HE SO YUMMY? He's like a less ethnic Anthony Weiner! SWOON! HOT GUY RUNS FOR OFFICE

Don't you just want him to take you in the closet and represent you over and over and over again?

• In the many local sheriff elections that everyone ignores to his and her detriment, please do a little research.

So Wisconsinites, and many, many Wisconsin-based students, good luck at the voting booth and remember to fully cover up, so as not to offend the octogenarian Polish Catholic woman running your polling station!



Abe Sauer is working on a book.

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]]> la folletteBig changes, civic-minded cheeseheads. We hope you're planning to vote, even if you're one of the 20,000-odd out-of-state students at UW-Madison. The polls are open-and they'll remain open until 8 p.m. (For all you coasties, that's 9 p.m.!) Vote your peer-pressured conscience! You can find your Wisconsin polling place here. Not registered? Not to worry, you can register at the polling place. The ballot you receive will be in English-only, because this isn't the frickin' U.N. And now: to the candidates.

There is little contention within the Democratic party for Wisconsin's top offices. Republicans (or spoiler Democrats who want to take advantage of Wisconsin's open primary law to vote for a weaker Republican in a race with an incumbent) are faced with a platter of interesting tea party candidates.

• The Governor's Race: Milwaukee Mayor Fightin' Tom Barrett will be the Dem candidate to replace Jim "Eeyore" Doyle, who is leaving office to comfort-eat his way into another 40 extra pounds. Meanwhile, both Republican hopefuls have been racing to the bottom. A win by money-hiding Milwaukee County Executive Scott Walker would promise a big city Milwaukee-sourced state leader all of Wisconsin could agree to resent. Thanks to Scott Walker's recent campaign message, Wisconsin voters know that his Republican opponent Mark Neumann is the same as Nancy Pelosi. So, you know, a primary vote for Mark Neumann is a vote for Nancy Pelosi. (Should he win, what tactic will Walker turn in the general election, given he's already blown his Pelosi wad? Vote for him to find out!)

• Those looking to make Northern Wisconsin a political laughingstock can vote for roll with former Real World: Boston castmate Sean Duffy for the 7th District seat being abandoned by David Obey. Hey ladies, he's endorsed by Sarah Palin!

• There is a four-way Republican race in Wisconsin's 8th District to challenge incumbent Dem, Steve Kagen. The Awl endorses Aaron Rodgers after that awesome performance against the Eagles. Bring it on Buffalo! (Does The Awl have readers in the 8th District?)

• In the senate primary, Republicans can poke their heads up and see the shadow of leading candidate Ron Johnson to guarantee six more weeks of near-slanderous ads about Russ Feingold that will plague every commercial break of every Packer game until November. The self-made married-into-money multi-millionaire is such a spectre of doom that the Cap Times broke its long-held policy of not endorsing primary elections to endorse anyone but Johnson after the candidate said of the manufacturing sector destruction caused by NAFTA and CAFTA, "Well, in a free-market capitalist system, there are always winners and losers." (If Wisconsin teabags Feingold in favor of Johnson in November, the state will have done the nation a grave disservice.)

• Would somebody please cast a vote in the 6th District where 32-year incumbent Republican Tom Petri is running completely unchallenged on either side? Poor guy has probably forgotten all about the feeling of getting votes.

• Wisconsin's 3rd District features a Republican primary between tea party candidate Bruce Evers and ethically challenged candidate Dan Kapanke to take on incumbent Wall Street-owned Democrat Ron Kind in the general election. The Awl endorses dusting off and nuking this district from orbit; it's the only way to be sure.

• In the 2nd District Republicans Chad Lee and Peter Theron are battling to face a challenging general election that will test their abilities to accuse Tammy Baldwin of being a lesbian without actually using the word "lesbian." Chad Lee seems the more wily choice, already having challenging Baldwin to a debate on the subject "The 2nd District is one of the Best Places in America to Live." Chad Lee's team says they will take the affirmative position, which means....

• In the 1st District, Republicans can go and cast a vote for GOP dreamboat Paul Ryan. Sure he's an uncontested incumbent but, OMG! ISN'T HE SO YUMMY? He's like a less ethnic Anthony Weiner! SWOON! HOT GUY RUNS FOR OFFICE

Don't you just want him to take you in the closet and represent you over and over and over again?

• In the many local sheriff elections that everyone ignores to his and her detriment, please do a little research.

So Wisconsinites, and many, many Wisconsin-based students, good luck at the voting booth and remember to fully cover up, so as not to offend the octogenarian Polish Catholic woman running your polling station!



Abe Sauer is working on a book.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/how-to-vote-in-wisconsin-today/feed 10 Tea-V Party Tonight! http://www.theawl.com/2010/01/tea-v-party-tonight http://www.theawl.com/2010/01/tea-v-party-tonight#comments Tue, 05 Jan 2010 09:30:00 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2010/01/tea-v-party-tonight "Tea partiers" are planning a "National Day of Strike" on January 20th to celebrate the first anniversary of President Barack Obama's inauguration. The "strike" is a boycott of those businesses which support the "socialist agenda" of the Democratic party, says organizer Allen Hardage, who added that the idea for the boycott came during a meeting of "Tea Party leaders" who were "frustrated that, despite a huge turn out over the last year, Congress is ignoring them, and most of the main stream media is biased in their mocking and marginalizing them." Sounds good! I just wonder who's gonna do the important work of showing up at town halls and ranting about death panels and comparing the President to Hitler while everyone else is busy striking.

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]]> "Tea partiers" are planning a "National Day of Strike" on January 20th to celebrate the first anniversary of President Barack Obama's inauguration. The "strike" is a boycott of those businesses which support the "socialist agenda" of the Democratic party, says organizer Allen Hardage, who added that the idea for the boycott came during a meeting of "Tea Party leaders" who were "frustrated that, despite a huge turn out over the last year, Congress is ignoring them, and most of the main stream media is biased in their mocking and marginalizing them." Sounds good! I just wonder who's gonna do the important work of showing up at town halls and ranting about death panels and comparing the President to Hitler while everyone else is busy striking.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/01/tea-v-party-tonight/feed 21 A Primer for the Coastal Elite: What Do The Tea Party Folks Want? http://www.theawl.com/2009/08/a-primer-for-the-coastal-elite-what-do-the-tea-party-folks-want http://www.theawl.com/2009/08/a-primer-for-the-coastal-elite-what-do-the-tea-party-folks-want#comments Thu, 13 Aug 2009 14:07:27 +0000 Abe Sauer http://www.theawl.com/2009/08/a-primer-for-the-coastal-elite-what-do-the-tea-party-folks-want Crush the LeftThose who watched and mocked the national Tea Parties back in April would find a different bunch of tea partiers today. The truly lunatic fringe of opportunists is now largely gone. But owing to the froth kicked up months ago, the movement's name, "Tea Party," still has currency and momentum, so why not use it? It's a branding conundrum the United Negro College Fund surely appreciates. A day after one of North Dakota's largest-ever tea parties, at the courthouse in Grand Forks, the only thing I can say with certainty about the movement is that it's mostly about making funny signs and producing lots of unintentional irony. And anger. Plentiful, seething, soul-rooted and only vaguely-focused anger. And maybe racism. But not really that much racism!

Far, far less racism than in April. (And far less than found at many of the tea party website message boards.) During the entire two hour evening event, featuring dozens of everyman speakers and dozens more signs, only one guy mentioned Barack Obama's illegitimate birth and that he's Muslim. And that was only in passing on his way to a point about something, I forget. Probably "socialism."

An Obamacrat Dog

So, you people of the coasts: what do they want? They want Washington to "listen." They want to not be "treated like sheep." They want better education (maybe). They want Ronald Reagan bon mots. They want jokes about moving D.C. to North Dakota because the cold would "force politicians to keep their hands in their own pockets." They want to sing God Bless America. They want, in one speaker's words, "to take it back for the United States Constitution for liberty." They want, more than anything, lower taxes.

This last item is where the irony begins, because North Dakota is one of the greatest of all federal welfare states. It receives over two dollars back for every one paid in taxes. If anyone has reason to complain, it's the Minnesotans, who get back only around seventy cents for every one of their tax dollars. Minnesota, by the way, is only about a quarter mile away from this particular tea party.

North Dakota is home to protectionist policies ranging from agriculture co-ops to state-run insurance to a law demanding that all pharmacies be locally owned (banning the only advantage of a Wal-Mart: cheap drugs). There is the state-run Bank of North Dakota, which in a year that saw private banks taking federal bailouts, returned $30 million to the state's general fund. More importantly, these state organizations operate in competition with private business, a fact that keeps everyone honest and is a system that, while quite successful and popular here, is clearly going to destroy America if partly implemented on any national scale, such as with health care.

So this "Anti Tax Tea Party" is a bit like a grunged-up trust fund kid begging for change on the street-at the Mexican border crossing.

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]]> Crush the LeftThose who watched and mocked the national Tea Parties back in April would find a different bunch of tea partiers today. The truly lunatic fringe of opportunists is now largely gone. But owing to the froth kicked up months ago, the movement's name, "Tea Party," still has currency and momentum, so why not use it? It's a branding conundrum the United Negro College Fund surely appreciates. A day after one of North Dakota's largest-ever tea parties, at the courthouse in Grand Forks, the only thing I can say with certainty about the movement is that it's mostly about making funny signs and producing lots of unintentional irony. And anger. Plentiful, seething, soul-rooted and only vaguely-focused anger. And maybe racism. But not really that much racism!

Far, far less racism than in April. (And far less than found at many of the tea party website message boards.) During the entire two hour evening event, featuring dozens of everyman speakers and dozens more signs, only one guy mentioned Barack Obama's illegitimate birth and that he's Muslim. And that was only in passing on his way to a point about something, I forget. Probably "socialism."

An Obamacrat Dog

So, you people of the coasts: what do they want? They want Washington to "listen." They want to not be "treated like sheep." They want better education (maybe). They want Ronald Reagan bon mots. They want jokes about moving D.C. to North Dakota because the cold would "force politicians to keep their hands in their own pockets." They want to sing God Bless America. They want, in one speaker's words, "to take it back for the United States Constitution for liberty." They want, more than anything, lower taxes.

This last item is where the irony begins, because North Dakota is one of the greatest of all federal welfare states. It receives over two dollars back for every one paid in taxes. If anyone has reason to complain, it's the Minnesotans, who get back only around seventy cents for every one of their tax dollars. Minnesota, by the way, is only about a quarter mile away from this particular tea party.

North Dakota is home to protectionist policies ranging from agriculture co-ops to state-run insurance to a law demanding that all pharmacies be locally owned (banning the only advantage of a Wal-Mart: cheap drugs). There is the state-run Bank of North Dakota, which in a year that saw private banks taking federal bailouts, returned $30 million to the state's general fund. More importantly, these state organizations operate in competition with private business, a fact that keeps everyone honest and is a system that, while quite successful and popular here, is clearly going to destroy America if partly implemented on any national scale, such as with health care.

So this "Anti Tax Tea Party" is a bit like a grunged-up trust fund kid begging for change on the street-at the Mexican border crossing.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/08/a-primer-for-the-coastal-elite-what-do-the-tea-party-folks-want/feed 63 "Tea Parties" Reconsidered http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/tea-parties-reconsidered http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/tea-parties-reconsidered#comments Thu, 30 Apr 2009 13:21:30 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/tea-parties-reconsidered You know, I lean left, but I consider myself a fairly rational person who does a decent job of not being blinded by his biases in the face of overwhelming evidence which contradicts my own political beliefs. So I saw this thing on Reason-a publication I enjoy even though there's a lot of it with which I disagree-about how the "tea parties" were a lot more successful than those on the left were prepared to give credit for. And I thought to myself, okay, maybe I was wrong, I should read it and see what they have to say.

Then it started off with "According to Pajamas Media, 700,873 people attended some 883 tea party protests on April 15." Really? According to Pajamas Media? These guys? Also, it turns out to have been written by the president of FreedomWorks Foundation, the Dick Armey-led AstroTurf factory which essentially co-sponsored the "tea parties" with Fox News. Finally, it suggests that the Obama administration is only steps away from suspending the First Amendment. So you know what? Fuck those guys. I was right the first time: FARCE. Thank you for confirming my opinions.

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]]> You know, I lean left, but I consider myself a fairly rational person who does a decent job of not being blinded by his biases in the face of overwhelming evidence which contradicts my own political beliefs. So I saw this thing on Reason-a publication I enjoy even though there's a lot of it with which I disagree-about how the "tea parties" were a lot more successful than those on the left were prepared to give credit for. And I thought to myself, okay, maybe I was wrong, I should read it and see what they have to say.

Then it started off with "According to Pajamas Media, 700,873 people attended some 883 tea party protests on April 15." Really? According to Pajamas Media? These guys? Also, it turns out to have been written by the president of FreedomWorks Foundation, the Dick Armey-led AstroTurf factory which essentially co-sponsored the "tea parties" with Fox News. Finally, it suggests that the Obama administration is only steps away from suspending the First Amendment. So you know what? Fuck those guys. I was right the first time: FARCE. Thank you for confirming my opinions.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/tea-parties-reconsidered/feed 8 Hoisting Some Tea At The Party http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/hoisting-some-tea-at-the-party http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/hoisting-some-tea-at-the-party#comments Sat, 18 Apr 2009 08:44:35 +0000 Choire Sicha http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/hoisting-some-tea-at-the-party Young bearded writer Alex Pareene answers the question I'd been idly asking my T.V.: who really was at those tax day protests? Turns out? Everyone!
If you throw an anti-war rally, only people who don't want there to be a war will show up. But if you just throw a "shit sucks" protest, everyone has a reason to attend! An anti-taxes, anti-Democrats, anti-Obama, anti-government, anti-Wall Street protest means, hey, somebody around here must be against something you're against.

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]]> Young bearded writer Alex Pareene answers the question I'd been idly asking my T.V.: who really was at those tax day protests? Turns out? Everyone!
If you throw an anti-war rally, only people who don't want there to be a war will show up. But if you just throw a "shit sucks" protest, everyone has a reason to attend! An anti-taxes, anti-Democrats, anti-Obama, anti-government, anti-Wall Street protest means, hey, somebody around here must be against something you're against.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/hoisting-some-tea-at-the-party/feed 3 Elections have consequences http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/elections-have-consequences http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/elections-have-consequences#comments Thu, 16 Apr 2009 09:53:48 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/elections-have-consequences Here's about as representative a quote as we could find from a participant in the "tea parties" that took place yesterday:
"This is a matter of liberty. We're here to break the chain of taxation without representation," said Abraham Mudrick, who traveled from Oregon to DC — which he called "the belly of the beast" — for the event.

Although Mudrick acknowledged taxpayers are represented in Congress, he said, "My elected officials aren't doing what I want."

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]]> Here's about as representative a quote as we could find from a participant in the "tea parties" that took place yesterday:
"This is a matter of liberty. We're here to break the chain of taxation without representation," said Abraham Mudrick, who traveled from Oregon to DC — which he called "the belly of the beast" — for the event.

Although Mudrick acknowledged taxpayers are represented in Congress, he said, "My elected officials aren't doing what I want."

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/elections-have-consequences/feed 2 You know, because he's black. http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/you-know-because-hes-black http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/you-know-because-hes-black#comments Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:35:33 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/you-know-because-hes-black tea_party_sign


Wonkette has pretty much owned the coverage thus far of today's "tea parties," but the Washington Independent, where this photo comes from, is doing a pretty good job as well. You may also enjoy this video!

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]]> tea_party_sign


Wonkette has pretty much owned the coverage thus far of today's "tea parties," but the Washington Independent, where this photo comes from, is doing a pretty good job as well. You may also enjoy this video!

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/you-know-because-hes-black/feed 0 Teabaggers: Also be careful if they ask you about docking. http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/teabaggers-also-be-careful-if-they-ask-you-about-docking http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/teabaggers-also-be-careful-if-they-ask-you-about-docking#comments Wed, 15 Apr 2009 14:47:28 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/teabaggers-also-be-careful-if-they-ask-you-about-docking teabagger_warningThis is from a flier distributed by one of the groups responsible for organizing today's "tea parties." It's good advice!

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]]> teabagger_warningThis is from a flier distributed by one of the groups responsible for organizing today's "tea parties." It's good advice!

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/teabaggers-also-be-careful-if-they-ask-you-about-docking/feed 2 "Tea Parties" are all the RAGE http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/tea-parties-are-all-the-rage http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/tea-parties-are-all-the-rage#comments Wed, 15 Apr 2009 11:22:13 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/tea-parties-are-all-the-rage tea_partiesHappy New Birth of Freedom Day! All across the country on this April 15th, hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people are gathering together in COMPLETELY SPONTANEOUS AND NOT AT ALL DIRECTED BY REPUBLICAN-AFFILIATED ORGANIZATIONS solidarity to protest the fact that a black guy is now running the country and even though he's inherited a stunning array of challenges, the majority of Americans are still behind him. Because they've been brainwashed by the liberal media, which is both omnipotent and terrifying in its ability to spellbind our gullible majorities and also almost extinct because its socialist bias drives readers away.

Are you attending a "tea party" today? We want to hear your story! Actually, no we don't. We'll just watch Fox News, the official sponsor of principled dissent.

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]]> tea_partiesHappy New Birth of Freedom Day! All across the country on this April 15th, hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people are gathering together in COMPLETELY SPONTANEOUS AND NOT AT ALL DIRECTED BY REPUBLICAN-AFFILIATED ORGANIZATIONS solidarity to protest the fact that a black guy is now running the country and even though he's inherited a stunning array of challenges, the majority of Americans are still behind him. Because they've been brainwashed by the liberal media, which is both omnipotent and terrifying in its ability to spellbind our gullible majorities and also almost extinct because its socialist bias drives readers away.

Are you attending a "tea party" today? We want to hear your story! Actually, no we don't. We'll just watch Fox News, the official sponsor of principled dissent.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/tea-parties-are-all-the-rage/feed 5 Protest them all, let God sort them out. http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/protest-them-all-let-god-sort-them-out http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/protest-them-all-let-god-sort-them-out#comments Tue, 14 Apr 2009 14:31:51 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/protest-them-all-let-god-sort-them-out shitsandwich1We'll let Wonkette sort out the backstory on this one. My question: You think that's actual doody, or just Photoshop? Because I could see it going either way with these folks.

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]]> shitsandwich1We'll let Wonkette sort out the backstory on this one. My question: You think that's actual doody, or just Photoshop? Because I could see it going either way with these folks.

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2009/04/protest-them-all-let-god-sort-them-out/feed 3