Not content with their own disgusting contributions to culinary history, the English are now claiming that haggis-that vile, football-shaped concoction of minced ungulate innards boiled in their own stomach-was appropriated by the Scots under false pretenses. Historians note that whether or not the Scottish people actually purloined the dish, they are still morally superior to the Welsh, who came to my house and stole a leg of beef.