Remember a couple years ago, how freaked out everyone was about swine flu? Well, it turns out, everyone that got it was actually really lucky (everyone who survived, I mean). According to a BBC report on a recent study in the Journal of Experimental Medicine, READ MORE

It may be time for us to once again venture outdoors; the terrible scourge of Swine Flu appears to have peaked. It's been a horrific epidemic, as evidenced by the rioting, looting, and dead bodies of H1N1 victims piling up in the streets, but with the blessings of the Lord it seems that we hardy few survivors are now able to reassemble what's left of our shattered society.

"Keep calling back," the receptionist at the pediatrician's office said, ringing off. They were out of H1N1 flu vaccine, she had told me, and they didn't know when the next batch might be coming. So keep calling. READ MORE

So I have swine flu. I mean, probably not, but I did get horribly sick last Tuesday. It's more logical that I just have the regular flu: more people get that one, and the symptoms as far as I can tell are pretty much the same. But because I've always been a sucker for common experiences-American Idol, paying attention to Major League Baseball playoffs, totally missing The Wire the first time around-I'm declaring this bout swine flu. Swine flu-not regular flu-has captured our imagination this year. Swine flu-not regular flu-is what gets Matt and Meredith talking on the Today show. And I want to be part of the conversation. READ MORE

A swine flu victim who suffered through the disease has described the horrors of her ordeal: "The worst of it came in slowly on Saturday afternoon: an excruciating, horrifying, unimaginably painful sore throat, the likes of which you haven't experienced unless you've had strep as an adult. But, unlike strep, which quickly improves within the first few hours of antibiotics, this sore throat is caused by a virus, and it will last for a week. It will make you ask yourself questions like, 'If I knew I would have this sore throat for the rest of my life, would I choose to go on living?' And the answer will be, 'No.'"

Here's a frightening side effect to the SWINE FLU EPIDEMIC that we had not even considered: If everyone is home from work or school during the day, the Internet will collapse! A Department of Homeland Security report "recommends that the general public voluntarily limit their use of online gaming and video browsing during a pandemic. The extent to which people will limit their consumption of this type of media is debatable, and the report said that compliance would have to be above 75% to have an impact," which, you know, not gonna happen. What are we going to do, if we're all home sick and unable to watch porn or download music illegally? Read a book? I think NOT. It's time for our government to stop screwing around with meaningless distractions and focus on this very real issue that will affect us all.

Okay, now it is for sure time to panic: "'Early Show' host Harry Smith has taken a sick day from work, telling viewers he thinks he may have swine flu. In an interview live from his New York City apartment Monday, Smith told CBS viewers he started feeling achy and feverish over the weekend after a 25-mile bike ride in the rain and dancing all night at a birthday party." It's just... I mean... oh, whatever, FINE.

In France, where there is a king with a small stature and a queen with a fair face on the throne, the fear of swine flu has lead the government to proscribe la bise-the annoying thing where some odiferous French person pretends to kiss you on both cheeks. Quel horreur, as French people are wont to say when they are not busy fake-kissing each other. Will this outrageous attempt to take away what makes the French their Frenchiest really (unlike French people) pass the smell test? It says here non.

A study showing that 1 in 10 New Yorkers was infected with swine flu earlier this year will be released this week. (Of that group, 47 died.) The estimate comes in advance of a press conference tomorrow from Mayor Bloomberg which will outline the city's plans to deal with the expected fall outbreak. Details are scarce, but some sources suggest that the Mayor will announce that pieces from the voluminous collection of brochures he has sent out to every city resident in support of his re-election campaign can be easily manipulated to serve as surgical masks.

"About 50 rabbis and Jewish mystics have flown over Israel for an airborne prayer meeting in the belief it may stop the spread of swine flu... One of the rabbis says he is certain the danger to Israel has now passed because of the prayer flight." Okay! Insert your own treyf joke here.