Is Pig Virus Over? @9:40 AM
It may be time for us to once again venture outdoors; the terrible scourge of Swine Flu appears to have peaked. It's been a horrific epidemic, as evidenced by the rioting, looting, and dead bodies of H1N1 victims piling up in the streets, but with the blessings of the Lord it seems that we hardy few survivors are now able to reassemble what's left of our shattered society. 8
Underparenting, with Tom Scocca: No H1N1 Vaccine For You, Kiddo @10:30 AM
"Keep calling back," the receptionist at the pediatrician's office said, ringing off. They were out of H1N1 flu vaccine, she had told me, and they didn't know when the next batch might be coming. So keep calling.
I would rather not keep calling. That was my third or fourth or fifth inquiry about the swine-flu vaccine, by phone or in person at the office while getting other shots for the kid. This is not because I am a hysterical parent, unable to bear the thought of my child going without medical intervention. I do not snap awake at three in the morning with flu panic, worrying that some filthy stranger may cough around my precious offspring before he has been properly immunized, cursing the government for not coming up with vaccine fast enough, scheming to intercept the life-saving product before it goes to someone else's child. (Let the other child die.) READ MORE 24
Elements of Stale, with Luke Mazur: The More Famous Flu @10:02 AM
So I have swine flu. I mean, probably not, but I did get horribly sick last Tuesday. It's more logical that I just have the regular flu: more people get that one, and the symptoms as far as I can tell are pretty much the same. But because I've always been a sucker for common experiences—American Idol, paying attention to Major League Baseball playoffs, totally missing The Wire the first time around—I'm declaring this bout swine flu. Swine flu—not regular flu—has captured our imagination this year. Swine flu—not regular flu—is what gets Matt and Meredith talking on the Today show. And I want to be part of the conversation. READ MORE 12
Pig Virus: A Survivor's Tale @3:40 PM
A swine flu victim who suffered through the disease has described the horrors of her ordeal: "The worst of it came in slowly on Saturday afternoon: an excruciating, horrifying, unimaginably painful sore throat, the likes of which you haven't experienced unless you've had strep as an adult. But, unlike strep, which quickly improves within the first few hours of antibiotics, this sore throat is caused by a virus, and it will last for a week. It will make you ask yourself questions like, 'If I knew I would have this sore throat for the rest of my life, would I choose to go on living?' And the answer will be, 'No.'" 11
Pig Virus Will Cripple Your Ability To Watch Cat Videos @2:00 PM
Here's a frightening side effect to the SWINE FLU EPIDEMIC that we had not even considered: If everyone is home from work or school during the day, the Internet will collapse! A Department of Homeland Security report "recommends that the general public voluntarily limit their use of online gaming and video browsing during a pandemic. The extent to which people will limit their consumption of this type of media is debatable, and the report said that compliance would have to be above 75% to have an impact," which, you know, not gonna happen. What are we going to do, if we're all home sick and unable to watch porn or download music illegally? Read a book? I think NOT. It's time for our government to stop screwing around with meaningless distractions and focus on this very real issue that will affect us all. 6
Harry Smith Latest Pig Virus Victim @11:20 AM
Okay, now it is for sure time to panic: "'Early Show' host Harry Smith has taken a sick day from work, telling viewers he thinks he may have swine flu. In an interview live from his New York City apartment Monday, Smith told CBS viewers he started feeling achy and feverish over the weekend after a 25-mile bike ride in the rain and dancing all night at a birthday party." It's just… I mean… oh, whatever, FINE. 3
Pig Virus To End Irritating French Air Kisses? @2:30 PM
In France, where there is a king with a small stature and a queen with a fair face on the throne, the fear of swine flu has lead the government to proscribe la bise—the annoying thing where some odiferous French person pretends to kiss you on both cheeks. Quel horreur, as French people are wont to say when they are not busy fake-kissing each other. Will this outrageous attempt to take away what makes the French their Frenchiest really (unlike French people) pass the smell test? It says here non. 3
Swine Flu: The Repanicking @4:00 PM
A study showing that 1 in 10 New Yorkers was infected with swine flu earlier this year will be released this week. (Of that group, 47 died.) The estimate comes in advance of a press conference tomorrow from Mayor Bloomberg which will outline the city's plans to deal with the expected fall outbreak. Details are scarce, but some sources suggest that the Mayor will announce that pieces from the voluminous collection of brochures he has sent out to every city resident in support of his re-election campaign can be easily manipulated to serve as surgical masks. 5
Flying Rabbis Blow Horns To Prevent Pig Disease @9:50 AM
"About 50 rabbis and Jewish mystics have flown over Israel for an airborne prayer meeting in the belief it may stop the spread of swine flu… One of the rabbis says he is certain the danger to Israel has now passed because of the prayer flight." Okay! Insert your own treyf joke here. 5
The Russian Way Of Swine Flu Prevention @11:30 AM
Russian soccer fans traveling to Wales in September for a World Cup qualifying match have been urged to drink whiskey to help avoid Swine Flu infection. I had no idea I'd been taking preventative measures against the virus all this time! 4
Pope's Wrist Fallible And Other News @11:05 AM
My usual Friday attack of Let This Week Be Over Syndrome came early this week (if you're scoring at home, here's exactly when it happened), and I'll try to gut it out and take you through the rest of the day, but man am I finding it hard to care. Still, here are a couple of things you might be interested in. READ MORE 7
Meanwhile, In Britain… @11:47 AM
"Throwing "'swine flu parties' in an attempt to get immunity against the virus while it is a fairly mild form is not a good idea, doctors say." 3
New Orleans Mayor Detained In China @11:43 AM
"New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, his wife, Seletha, and a member of the mayor's entourage were being held in quarantine at a hotel in Shanghai after a passenger on Nagin's flight to China came down with suspected swine flu symptoms, a city spokeswoman said Sunday." No word yet on when the mayor will be released, but the news does give the commenters at the Times-Picayune website two groups to make racist remarks against as opposed to the usual one. On the plus side, only one commenter thus far has tried a "chocolate city" joke, so it's not all terrible. 3
Harvard Graduation Tomorrow: A Swine Flu Disaster @2:45 PM
Harvard graduation takes place today and tomorrow and already—a disaster! A swiney, fluey disaster! Reports a Harvardian!
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Everything Is Different Post-Swine Flu @7:39 AM
The New York Post, April 27
The New York Post, today: "IN the latest sign of the germaphobic times, an antibacterial Purell dispenser has appeared in the White House briefing room. Reporters, who belong to the media that bears some blame for hyping the swine flu scare, were laughing at the chest-high contraption and some had themselves photographed in front of it before Friday's White House briefing." 1
Anecdotage: Small Mexican Businesses Suffering Due To Swine Flu Fear @3:37 PM
According to an exclusive interview by an Awl correspondent with a taco truck vendor in Walla Walla, Washington this afternoon—population 30,000, and where about 1 in 5 residents are Latino and the rest are white—business is down about 40% right now. The purveyor of fine taco products said it was because the white people are afraid of the Mexican flu! Good job with the hysteria, TV! 15
Mexicans Nostalgic For Era When All Anybody Knew About Them Involved Drug Violence @10:18 AM
Let us turn our attention to Mexican people. Even as the recent flu which bears their name is beginning to fade and was probably never the giant catastrophe that the news media and panicky Twitter users made it out to be in the first place, citizens of Los Estados Unidos Mexicanos are still feeling the sting of fear and ignorance: disrespected by Chileans, quarantined by the Chinese, and generally mistrusted by pretty much everyone, including themselves. READ MORE 4
Kobe Bryant: Swine Flu? @9:22 AM
Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant missed practice yesterday with a "sore throat," which I think we all know is SECRET CODE FOR SWINE FLU. Or at least that's the rumor I'd be spreading, just because it seems like the swine flu hysteria is starting to die down and this is exactly the kind of shot in the arm that could keep it out front for a few more news cycles. 2
Talking Hats: Wonkette's Ken Layne Explains Swine Flu And OMG THE TERORR SEND HEL– @4:40 PM
In today's video with Ken Layne of Wonkette, I wanted to get him to explain the politics of swine flu. BUT I STUMBLED INTO A ZONE OF FLU TERROR.
Previously: Talking Hats One. 31
Woo hoo, new flu! @10:34 AM
Tired of swine flu? Good news! "A patient who saw a doctor in Aichi Prefecture, central Japan, is suspected of having contracted a new strain of influenza, Nagoya city officials said Friday." Before everyone runs off half-cocked in all directions, can we just agree right now that we're going to call this one "Aichi Breaky Heart"? 6
Hopefully There's No Swine Flu In Russia, Because It's Right Next Door @4:20 PM
Suck it, lower 48! Anyway, good news from Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's Twitter, which looks like someone took a cheesy poster from the seventies and vomited a bunch of stars on it. (And I say that as someone who works on a site whose horrible design was absolutely deliberate.) Seriously, it's like an unholy combination of a Charlie's Angels pin-up and "Hang in there, kitty." Yuck. 8
iFlu @3:48 PM
Hey, look, it's an app for your iPhone that will help you track swine flu! Maybe next they can come up with an app which reveals how absolutely germ-ridden your iPhone is just from everyday use. 4
Plucky Mexicans Still Have A Song In Their Hearts, Respiratory Systems @10:28 AM
"In Mexico everything is closed, everything is empty, life has changed in a couple of days," says Spanish website 20minutos (which also notes that the people "wear masks like ninjas" and the country "seems like a Danny Boyle movie"). As the federal government shuts down all nonessential services, it is at least heartening to know that the nation's musical artists are using the flu as inspiration for ballads like the one above. You can find more here. BTW, my Spanish is awful, so if there's something racist here that I'm missing, lo siento. 4
WHO Pandemic Phase 5 @4:43 PM
The pandemic is on! I'm not a religious man, so I'll probably just spend the Final Days raping and looting, but for those of you who have the solace of faith, start praying, 'cause we're ALL GONNA DIE. 44
The pictures are adorable, though. @11:02 AM
Look! The next pandemic starts here! 4
Swine Flu: What To Do? @10:44 AM
What should we call the swine flu? The Mexicans don't want to claim it, the Jews don't want to say the word "swine," the Asians are hoping everyone remains focused on Mexico and doesn't start looking east, and Ag Sec Tom Vilsack is concerned that the "swine" aspect of the moniker might keep Americans from consuming pork. Instead, the government's going with the "2009 H1N1 virus outbreak," which doesn't exactly trip off the tongue. READ MORE 26
Swine Flu: Slumming It @1:35 PM
Some perspective from Michael O'Leary, CEO of Irish budget airline Ryanair: "Are we going to die from swine flu? No. Are we in danger of SARS? No. Foot and mouth disease? No. Will it affect people flying short-haul flights around Europe this summer? Thankfully, no. It is a tragedy only for people living … in slums in Asia or Mexico. But will the honeymoon couple from Edinburgh die? No. A couple of Strepsils will do the job." 4
Bad Piggies Ruin Ad Shoot @11:57 AM
There's another victim in the SWINE FLU PANDEMIC: the advertising industry. AT&T was forced to cancel a commercial shoot in Mexico City due to the fact that everyone there is staying indoors and dying. First Hollywood, and now Madison Avenue? This crisis is going to destroy everything we hold dear! If something happens to the fashion industry it is totally time to head for the hills. 0
