Have you caught up on the terrible story of Christopher Ryan Smith? The Internet entrepreneur was traveling in Africa all throughout the second half of last year, according to the emails he was sending his family. Unfortunately, he was dead the whole time, having been killed by his terribly secretly shady business partner. Horrible story! Also, how stupid: you buy yourself six months to get away with a murder by posing as the poor dead fellow, and you don't even flee the country? Moron. Still, gives one ideas.

It was bound to happen that me and Heather Locklear's proud semi-hometown of Thousand Oaks would end up in the news for an act of politically-motivated cannibalism. (Heather went to Newbury Park High School. That means she is a slut! I went to Thousand Oaks middle school, which was an idyllic place of breezeways and white people-the kind of middle school where the librarian got upset because I was reading The Color Purple, inappropriately adult material. You know, no matter that it won the Pulitzer that year! Idiots.) Thousand Oaks was actually created by a corporation, by the way! The Janss family, real estate developers, made the massive town out [...]