If only Brad Ferro, a 24-year-old former gym teacher, had, while drunk off shots the color of stop lights, hauled off and smashed in the tanned faces of someone named Ronnie or Vinnie, perhaps then he'd still have his old life. If only he'd taken a step back from that Seaside Heights nightclub bar, dropped his shoulder and thrust his fist violently into the famous abs of Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. Or, you know, if only he'd decided not to hit anyone. Perhaps then he wouldn't have been fired from his job, convicted of assault, forced to attend anger management classes and finger-wagged into begging for forgiveness in [...]

9. Girls Don't Poop 8. Gaga Has A Weiner 7. Snookie Is My Homegirl [sic]

"It really is true, and has been proven-whether it's a show or not-when people misbehave in public, it's the same: The police expeditiously end their bad behavior so all the good people can enjoy their time." -The problem is (whether Seaside Heights borough administrator John A. Camera will admit it or not) that television networks "expeditiously" pay some people $30,000 an episode to produce bad behavior, so all the other good people can enjoy their time. This Asbury Park Press article provides a good look at how a small town's government handles a cultural phenomenon that is at once a boon and a major pain-in-the-ass.

"Much like Lynn Hirschberg's brutal May profile of M.I.A., Horyn's [profile of reality TV star Snooki] neatly encapsulates everything most despicable about the Times and its cultural coverage — its snotty, keep 'em at arm's length, can you believe these people? attitude, the way you can practically feel the reporter holding her nose while she writes." -Um. People are actually somehow boarding the Leave Snooki Alloooone!11!!! bandwagon. I think they'll be disappointed when they discover where it lets them off.