How To Barbecue A Turkey–The Super Easy Way For Morons @12:20 PM
Okay, so, now I will tell you the second of my four cooking secrets. (The first is pie crust. The third secret is how to make pizza, which I will tell you at a later date. It's a GOOD SECRET too. The fourth secret, however, might have to remain secret forever.) This cooking secret is: how to barbecue a Thanksgiving turkey. (Or a turkey for any occasion, but really, how often do you eat turkey?) Because, oh yes, gaze at the majesty of my barbecued turkey above, cooked for Thanksgiving '04, back when smoking meat was the hot new thing again, for NO apparent reason. Do you know how easy this is? It is SO EASY that you are going to feel sad for even owning an oven. Sort of! I will explain. Equipment required: wood. Asbestos gloves maybe. Aluminum foil. Any sort of grilling thingie. Maybe a gun. READ MORE 45
Stop Being a Wuss: How To Make Pie Crusts the Easy Way @10:00 AM
Today's Dining section brings a roundup of holiday dinner recipes for you wussbags who are too lazy or scared to make desserts with crusts. "Is it Thanksgiving if there is no traditional pie with a traditional filling and a crust that the cook obviously fussed and worried over?" asks Florence Fabrikant. The answer is obviously: NO, YOU HORRIBLE MONSTER, IT IS NOT. Are you one of those wimps who is afraid of a pie crust? Here, I will tell you everything you need to know right now, you whiny little girl. Yes, that is a picture of an apple pie that I whipped up the other week in about 8 seconds. Loser! Here are the tools you will need: NONE. READ MORE 94
