Posts tagged as Shut Up!
Tomorrow You Start Hearing Less Prattle About Primaries!
This is a great day for America—because the news organizations have spent a ton of money on "covering" Iowa and New Hampshire, and they'll be sending fewer staff and resources to South Carolina, which starts tomorrow, after New Hampshire "votes" today, and which also gets under-covered because it's a three-hour drive down the J. Strom Thurmond Freeway from outside Myrtle Beach to Columbia, as opposed to the one-hour drive from Nashua NH to Concord NH, and the bigger things get, well, all the reporters are kind of lazy and they miss a lot of events, and so you will be hearing less of the Republican primary prattle, which is all a lot of hot air and doesn't matter one tiny little bit. (Perhaps you will remember when Herman Cain dominated the news cycle! Ha ha! Creeping sharia! It was literally a couple weeks ago!) After South Carolina comes Florida, with the primary on January 31, which will be a total LOLfest, but will also be a less hysterically covered "news" event. So vote on, New Hampshire freaks! Only 229 days until the Republican convention in Tampa!
"Some Experts Say"
A wonderful example of the dying art of "newspaper objectivity." Gosh, it's a conflict! Some people think that staring at a screen instead of the road while driving might be less safe; some other people think that the number of accidents won't change if your state outlaws texting and emailing while driving. Thankfully we have been presented with both opinions and can now just sit here in silence.
The Great Boy-Intellectual 9/11 Chin-Stroke-Off
"I’d suggest we start round two by addressing Michael’s question of whether one effect of 9/11 is a permanent counterterror 'archipelago' that, to state the obvious, is not a natural friend of liberal politics, democracy, or perhaps some other goals of the reaction to 9/11." READ MORE
White House Finally Bows To Astrologer's Demands!
Barack Hussein Obama II has finally released his birth certificate (PDF), in order to quiet demands for his official birth time from the nation's well-funded lobby of astrologers. "It's about time," said the victorious president of the American Federation of Astrologers. "Now we as a country can move on, secure in the knowledge of the innermost workings of our leader." READ MORE
Treat U.S. Open Fatigue with the British Open
There are two things I do not give a flying fig about, and those are tennis and people who live outside of New York who have opinions on local landmark and zoning permit issues. Man, seriously, shut up about the tennis! I know: you people like it. That's nice. That being said, if you are a New Yorker subscriber, which surely you are, then you can read about the British Open, which is much more interesting in the telling by John McPhee than the U.S. Open is through the channels of the various unintelligible Twitters of New York Times employees with extraordinarily nebulous jobs.
Turns Out All American Colleges Are Actually Giant Daycare Centers (Duh)
In another "shocking news to no one" research project, The Delta Cost Project discovered definitive proof of what everyone in world has been thinking since the 1950's. The report, "Trends in College Spending 1998-2008 [PDF]," concluded that colleges and universities from all over the country are literally throwing money at high end student centers and methods of increasing "comfortability" for students (and we mean literally, like administrators are actually having huge money fights). The story has been picked up by news-soup extraordinaire The Huffington Post who linked it to a New York Times article trying to explain the, ya' know, frivolousness of American higher education. READ MORE
Everybody Has Less Than Somebody, So Let's All Kill Each Other
After the Times blew up with a story in part on how the youngs, who have no jobs, use the foodstamps at the Whole Foods, Salon has followed suit about the youngsters buying the organic chickens and boy are the comments insane. READ MORE
"Media Elite" Has An Average Age of 55
An exciting new survey of 43 "media elites," and yes, they actually used that phrase, found that 65% of them thought that the internet had "hurt journalism."
