Attention, gentlemen, this is exactly the image you present to the world when you wear shorts.

You know how sometimes you're out and you drop your wallet in a storm drain and then you go in head first to retrieve it and you get stuck in the storm drain and all that people on the surface can see is your legs and you're trapped there until the local emergency services team can come and get you out and then there are pictures of you and your legs all over the news? Well, it's just one more reason why you should be wearing pants. It makes the scenario so much more dignified.

"Capitol Police officers are sweating a new management decision to ban officers assigned to the Capitol from wearing shorts…. [U]nion representatives said they were told that Inspector Donald Roullier, who oversees the department's Capitol Division, made the decision based on appearances — particularly the fact that shorts-clad officers do not look good carrying large automatic rifles." [Via]

No matter where you come down on the great debate about men and shorts, I think we can all agree that these are entirely unacceptable. (But, you know, THEY ALL ARE.)

"For the better part of 30 years, men’s shorts have been inching away from their own breviloquent description. My call for a return to a common-sense inseam has been met over time with complacency, staunch resistance and — on the occasions I’ve dared to lead by example — merciless ribbing. Just as I was beginning to lose heart, it was revealed that several designers are featuring shorter men’s shorts for spring. Revivified, I strode out into the Los Angeles sunshine to gauge whether the American public had regained its appetite for men’s bare thighs."

""Women can get away with wearing shorts to work, but men can't. I have an issue with that," says some guy who, as a designer, SHOULD TOTALLY KNOW BETTER.

Good news! You know that skinny bitch-or bastard-whose taut limbs are a constant retribution to your own lifestyle choices? He or she is gonna die sooner than you! "Scientists have found that men and women whose thighs are less than 60cm (23.6ins) in circumference are more likely to suffer from cardiovascular disease, and die prematurely, compared to people with thicker thighs." It's not all positive, though: "They also found, however, that the apparent advantage of bigger thighs did not continue beyond the 60cm threshold. People with thighs much wider than 60cm did not fair any better than those whose thighs hovered just above the threshold." Still, the next time [...]

Yes, by all means, go ahead and wear "winter shorts." I can't be responsible for the foolish decisions you make any more.

So, this is happening:

The National Weather Service has issued an Excessive Heat Warning from 12PM-8PM tonight; heat index values between 105-110 are expected. Additionally, the NYS Department of Environmental Conservation has issued an Air Quality Health Advisory for NYC from 11AM-11PM today.

Tomorrow will be no better. As reluctant as I am to do this, I bow to the oppressive sun and offer a temporary dispensation: If you must, you may wear shorts. (Do please follow these guidelines though.) May God have mercy on our souls.

I like all the bright colors in the video for this remix of "Country Shit," a song by one of my favorite young rap artists, Big K.R.I.T. I like the green trees and the red fruit punch and the shiny interiors of the tricked-out Cadillacs with their wobbling woofers. And I like guest rapper Bun B's matching attire: blue cap, blue shorts. And I like that Bun B's wearing shorts, too.

Look down. Can you see your knees? Today's a Thursday, so then you had better either be south of the 30th parallel north—Shreveport, say!—or "working at home" and totally naked.

Because if you're in the office, and you work anywhere but the International Society for the Advancement of Shorts, you should go home and change.

The question has even been asked: can a man wear shorts at all, ever, anywhere?

Barack Obama just about never wears shorts. So far as I can tell, there were two instances at a beach in Hawaii, one time when he went golfing, and another when he was playing basketball, that he has been photographed wearing shorts. (And yes, "board shorts" are swimsuits and they don't count.)

In recognition of today's extremely warm weather forecast (RealFeel® 101°), the Awl has relaxed its ban on the wearing of shorts for the following groups: little boys, professional tennis players, and those super-cut dudes who work the door at Hollister Co. down on Broadway. If you do not fall within one of these exempted categories then you are still required to DRESS LIKE A GODDAMN MAN. Thank you.

Remember that whole debate we had back in April about grown men wearing shorts? Does anyone want to change their minds?

Yay! RT @kracioppi: shorts in march #unbelievable

— Roger Clark (@RogerClark41) March 12, 2012

This is unacceptable. That is all.

Yes, yes, even an insane radical theocracy gets it right every now and again.

Man, it is hot out there! Gentlemen who dress appropriately in consideration of their age and gender might want to procure a container of Gold Bond Medicated Powder for their chafey undercarriages, because the next couple of days are going to be even worse. (Also: the rest of our lives.) Stay strong, fellows: You are models for the younger generations.

"A man should never wear shorts in the city. Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach." —I am not generally the Tom Ford-adulator in the editorial team here, but today I swear fealty to Tom Ford, who is indeed correct.

I woke up early this morning and dressed in the dark, which resulted in my leaving the house in a pair of khakis and a green polo. Green-on-green is an absolutely ridiculous look, but those of you who know me know that I'm not particularly obsessed with the condition of my wardrobe. (Plus, when you've got a face like this, the packaging is completely irrelevant.) I only mention this to note that when I hit the streets for my most recent cigarette (which was delightful, by the way; those of you who have cut back on smoking during the summer months should really reconsider) I happened to notice that [...]

Good news, Germanic shorts-wearers!

Newly invented lederhosen-style swimming shorts are going on sale at this year's Munich Oktoberfest as a beer-proof alternative to the traditional leather breeches. Folk costume aficionados may frown — but the Austrian designer behind them says he's rejuvenating Alpine culture, and introducing it to a global audience.

"You wouldn't even need to wash the beer off, it's a fabric that dries immediately," says designer Peter Kolb of the shorts, which cost around $115. But not everyone will be thrilled.