"One lawyer representing 33 men who agree to share media-deal profits equally is a recipe for disaster. Here's why: as the group does interviews, the individual personalities of the miners will flourish, and one member of the pack will emerge as the breakout star, like Beyoncé from Destiny's Child. The Chilean Beyoncé will receive offers that his fellow miners won't – a spot on Dancing With the Stars here, a cameo on A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila there – and he will grow increasingly bitter, as he is forced to split profits 32 ways."

There's a million dollars in New York City cop cars just sitting in Jersey, after the big airport security plan sort of fell apart (shock), and the tabloids are hopped up about it. But anyone who lives withing two blocks of a precinct house can tell you that's the tip of the 9/11 money influx iceberg. They've like, run out of places to store cop cars. Also, anyone who's seen one of those extremely annoying "terror parades" that involve like 10 cruisers going up Sixth Ave at rush hour with their sirens on… to nowhere. Oh, gosh, jeez, there so many cars! Won't someone say something? (Over the weekend [...]

Yeah, don't everyone go outside all at once. Enjoy your BURGERS.

"Things Co-Workers Have Shown Me That Are Worse Than A Sports-Bra," by a lady who apparently works at Gomorrah Slag and Harlot LLP:

* bites on chest sustained during sex with bitey new guy.

* various and sundry rashes

* impressive bruises all over butt from being (consensually) spanked

* the place on the floor of an office where sex was had the night before, including the wet spot.

A two-alarm fire at the Manhattan Criminal Courthouse has resulted in the sentencing of Lil Wayne, which was already postponed for dental-related reasons, being delayed once more. (The "Fireman" joke that you wanted to make has probably already crossed the Twitter transom, but there's still time to get in a "Tha Block Is Hot" pun or two!)

Unemployment doubled in Ireland over the last year, and maybe soon it'll triple, so now the government is doing the obvious: distributing suicide prevention materials. (The suicide rate in Ireland, by the way, has tripled since the 1950s.) This is sad, because it is not at all the Irish who I want to be doing themselves in. There's like eight other countries, at least, higher on my list!