The latest non-scandal that will not be catching on is "NYPD CAUGHT BOOTY-DANCING"—at the West Indian Day Parade in Brooklyn, over Labor Day Weekend. (Or as World Star Hip Hop put it, "Daggering on the Parkway," LOL.) The best is the Post describing the videos: "The women then back up into the officers’ crotches and rub their buttocks up against them as the cops grind in return, gleefully waving their arms in the air." (The Post confirms "an investigation," which, again, I say LOL.) I'm sorry, white people, have you ever been outside? I personally performed this move as recently as Saturday. Have you ever been to a wedding where this dance move isn't executed??? And if you watch that video, you see a bunch of people laughing their heads off and high-fiving—you can see grandmas and kids alike cracking up. This is the probably the most friendly interaction white cops and some ladies from St. Lucia have had in Brooklyn all summer. (Also, officers: it is time to take those Livestrong bracelets off! It is 2011! Lance Armstrong has retired twice since those came out!) Media Takeout at least makes a good point: "This is the SAME parade where police SHOT AND KILLED one man . . . and they RACIALLY PROFILED and FORCIBLY detained a Black legislator." Sure, sure, but apart from that, everyone had a good time! Except the killjoy New York Post.

Anyone who has eaten at M. Wells, the infamous diner in Queens, knows that it is both an extremely special and troubled place. (The food is magical, I have agreed; and also, on my most recent visit, there were literally pregnant women and their extremely grumpy hipster spouses on the verge of crying and screaming while they waited endlessly for food. Obviously the solution to eating at M Wells is to bring some carrot sticks in your purse and sit back and take what comes. They are not so much in the food "service" industry as they are in the food magicking industry, and sometimes everything goes kablooey.) And when M. Wells announced recently it would be closing its location at the end of August, due to difficult lease renewals, I sensed an obvious negotiation tactic of shaming the landlord—and also something amiss. (An abandoned diner on an empty street in Long Island City is charging usurious rents? Reaaallly???) Something smelled crazy behind everything else that smelled delicious. And so here it is, the other shoe dropping very loudly: in which GQ restaurant critic Alan Richman is accused by the co-owner of M Wells of... well, I don't want to spoil it for you. But wow. Even if you don't care about restaurants or food or popular diners, it's worth reading as a look inside the troubles of dealing with humans.

"Mark Halperin, editor-at-large for Time, called President Obama 'a dick' on Thursday on a popular MSNBC morning show and then quickly apologized." READ MORE

Last summer's "Ground Zero Mosque" brouhaha was the most annoying summer controversy of all time. With any luck, New Yorkers won't have to deal with another nation-wide xenophobic freakout again this summer, but anything is possible! We spoke to a bunch of New Yorkers—both well-known and known to only a few—to try to predict what this summer's big baloney story would be. Aliens! Scrotums! And more aliens! READ MORE

There's several proven tactics to conducting a press conference with humiliating personal admissions and one of them is exhausting everyone, which was pretty successful with Anthony Weiner's confession of sharing "personal photos" with women he did not know (six in three years, most before his marriage) online. Everyone was exhausted, except maybe the New York Post's Andrea Peyser, who really, really wanted to know where his wife Huma was. (At least that's what she kept screaming.)

But the press conference also ran counter to many of the prevailing ideas about crisis PR: one is to keep it short; another is have your wife with you. (The Spitzer event did both these things, and it may have been smart but it was also unsatisfying.) In any event, the press conference went something like this.

• "At the outset I'd like to make clear I've made terrible mistakes."

• Says: I have not been honest with myself, my family, constituents, friends, media, etc.

• Confirms the underwear photo.

• Says he made a "hugely regrettable mistake" after panicking.

• Apologizes to Huma.

• Cries.

• "I have engaged in several inappropriate conversations... and exchanged photos with six women over the last three years."

• "Some took place after" his marriage.

• "I haven't told the truth and I've done things I deeply regret. I brought pain to people I cared about the most."

• "This was a very dumb thing to do." (He was well-prepared by a professional; he returned to these talking points over and over.)

• Notably, he did not bring up the choice to not resign until the Q&A.

And then it went on and on.

I'd like to think it doesn't affect my ability to get bills passed, he said near what seemed like the end, but was nowhere near the end. One should note that Congressman Weiner has still not sponsored a single piece of successful legislation.

"Were you fully erect" is what someone at the press conference was screaming (likely suspect: Benjy Bronk, of the Howard Stern show) as Weiner left the podium, which sort of seems like both the most and the least important question of the day.

But how did local women take it?

I see. And?

Perhaps not so well.

Balk: So, and this will never happen but I want someone to match all the silhouettes in the Mail and Sun to the actual photos they are based on.

Choire: Whoa. "ONE of Britain's top bloggers caused chaos on Twitter yesterday after appearing to link more than a dozen celebrities to gagging orders."

Balk: But I wouldn't even know who to start with on that.

Choire: I don't even know how to find what blogger they're talking about!

Balk: It's Guido Fawkes.

Choire: Huh. Okay, but I'm confused....

Balk:

Choire: Oh no, not Annie! Well, hmm, this is like reading a foreign language.

Balk: Ha.

Choire: Literally this is impenetrable to me!

Balk: Really?

Choire: I never said I was bright. So wait. There's a gag order about what?

Balk: Oh. It's more about who HAS the gag orders out.

Choire: ... Regarding?

Balk: They are all privacy claims.

Choire: ...

Balk: "Slept with hooker," "had affair with," etc.

Choire: Annnnnd? Oh God, am I stupid? SOME DAY THE GUARDIAN WILL EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.

Balk: Basically, one or more papers was going to report on these stories, but before they could the celeb in question got a prior restraint.

Choire: Ohhh! So there were a number of stories, and then these people went to the courts... and everything died.

Balk: Right. So the papers all know who did what to who but can't name names.

Choire: Ah.

Balk: Which is unfortunate for the prostitutes who want to sell their stories to the tabs.

Choire: So much for Nick Denton's romanticization of the English newsroom!

Balk: I'm not sure how I feel about this take, but it does explain a lot.

Choire: Yow! What happened to the days when people just got to have hot sex with footballers and then go on with their lives?

Balk: I blame our "everyone's a celebrity" culture.

Mister Cee, a Hot 97 DJ and semi-old-school hip-hop guy, was arrested last week and charged with public lewdness and exposure, according to the NYPD. The rumor mill has been great on the blogs! A sample: "Rumors of Mr. Cee engaging in homosexual activity have run rampant for years"! And there's some great hedging: "allegedly arrested after he was caught receiving oral sex from a male prostitute dressed as a woman, according to several news reports." What could it all mean? Perhaps... an "April Fool's Day prank or possibly someone that is not too fond of Calvin Lebrun aka DJ Mister Cee set him up to take a fall." Oh, I see. They add: "hopefully Cee can find a way to explain this debacle." Ha! Here's the take from Diary of a Hollywood Street King: "I do know Mister Cee reportedly likes to pay female strippers to urinate on him. Is that Hip/Hop? I don’t think so." Uh, are you kidding? Paying ladies to pee on you is totally hip-hop. It involves money, ladies and peeing! What's more hip-hop than that, fools? READ MORE

This weekend's rollicking TSA scandal—stemming from this video—has come to a speedy resolution. Why, the TSA has blogged about it, so everything must be fine now! They write: "Their son alarmed the walk through metal detector and needed to undergo secondary screening. The boy's father removed his son's shirt in an effort to expedite the screening. After our TSO completed the screening, he helped the boy put his shirt back on. That's it. No complaints were filed and the father was standing by his son for the entire procedure." So shut up, everyone, and get back in line. Don't make us get the truncheons.