The Awl http://www.theawl.com/ Be Less Stupid Wed, 27 Jul 2011 10:40:12 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 Maybe If We Make Salad Easier To Assemble More People Will Eat It http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/maybe-if-we-make-salad-easier-to-assemble-more-people-will-eat-it http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/maybe-if-we-make-salad-easier-to-assemble-more-people-will-eat-it#comments Wed, 27 Jul 2011 10:40:12 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/maybe-if-we-make-salad-easier-to-assemble-more-people-will-eat-it Americans hate salad. And with good reason: it sucks. The joyless array of leaves, suitable only for irritatingly self-satisfied fitness freaks and those whom catastrophic illness has left bereft of a discerning palate, inspires existential despair while doing nothing to curb hunger. (Plus, everyone knows salad is full of doody.) But this poses a problem for the produce industry: how to foist its depressing product on a nation of suspicious consumers. They have a plan!

At Fresh Express Inc., a unit of Chiquita Brands International Inc., executives think adding more vegetables to bagged greens will get consumers to eat more salad. They are aiming to release a bagged salad that has not just lettuces but also cucumbers, tomatoes and red peppers, among other vegetables, by sometime next year. All shoppers will have to do is open, pour and eat.
This is probably a good start, given that the majority of American cuisine comes out of a package, but it is still one step too many. Perhaps they can develop a process where the pouring stage transfers the sad dirt harvest directly into the eater's mouth. I mean, it probably wouldn't make me more likely to eat salad, but I would at least feel a little more guilty about not doing so.

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]]> Americans hate salad. And with good reason: it sucks. The joyless array of leaves, suitable only for irritatingly self-satisfied fitness freaks and those whom catastrophic illness has left bereft of a discerning palate, inspires existential despair while doing nothing to curb hunger. (Plus, everyone knows salad is full of doody.) But this poses a problem for the produce industry: how to foist its depressing product on a nation of suspicious consumers. They have a plan!

At Fresh Express Inc., a unit of Chiquita Brands International Inc., executives think adding more vegetables to bagged greens will get consumers to eat more salad. They are aiming to release a bagged salad that has not just lettuces but also cucumbers, tomatoes and red peppers, among other vegetables, by sometime next year. All shoppers will have to do is open, pour and eat.
This is probably a good start, given that the majority of American cuisine comes out of a package, but it is still one step too many. Perhaps they can develop a process where the pouring stage transfers the sad dirt harvest directly into the eater's mouth. I mean, it probably wouldn't make me more likely to eat salad, but I would at least feel a little more guilty about not doing so.

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53 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/07/maybe-if-we-make-salad-easier-to-assemble-more-people-will-eat-it/feed 53 I'm Terribly Conflicted About Whether To Tell You What I Found In My Satur Farms Salad Box From Whole Foods http://www.theawl.com/2011/04/im-terribly-conflicted-about-whether-to-tell-you-what-i-found-in-my-satur-farms-salad-box-from-whole-foods http://www.theawl.com/2011/04/im-terribly-conflicted-about-whether-to-tell-you-what-i-found-in-my-satur-farms-salad-box-from-whole-foods#comments Fri, 01 Apr 2011 13:30:06 +0000 Daniel Roberts http://www.theawl.com/2011/04/im-terribly-conflicted-about-whether-to-tell-you-what-i-found-in-my-satur-farms-salad-box-from-whole-foods So I've been massively vacillating about whether or not to write about what I found in my Satur Farms salad box this week. (By the way, for those of you who are familiar with this brand, don't you always think it looks like Satur should be Saturn? Doesn't it seem like the 'n' was just left off as some sort of typo?)

Here is what happened: On Sunday, March 27, I bought a box of Satur Farms salad greens at Whole Foods and brought it home, only to find the finger from a rubber glove inside. It was unfortunate; I love Satur Farms products, and wish the company no ill will. I also do not blame Whole Foods in any way, as they don't make this product, but merely carry it. I've made a video of my experience (you'll find it below) but I don't know if I should write about it. I'm not sure I should announce that I found a rubber glove in my Satur Farms salad box. First of all, I wonder if I would be screwing myself out of some kind of restitution or reward. If I choose to do this quietly by sending a letter to the company, perhaps they will give me a lifetime supply of salad? If I write about it, then it's "out there" and they'd have no reason to send me anything. In fact, they'd probably just be pissed.

Then again, that first explanation presupposes an angry company that will be bitter and wish to argue with me. A second possibility, and the second reason I'm hesitant, is that it's a nice company, this was a rare accident (perfectly likely), and by writing about it, I'd be causing a 'shit storm' that may result in bad things for Satur Farms employees. I remember how the woman who claimed to find a finger in her Wendy's chili made a lot of trouble for Wendy's, and I wouldn't want anything like that to happen to Satur.

Speaking of that Wendy's faker, my third reason for feeling cautious about writing about this is the possibility that people might accuse me of making this up, as she did. I don't think anything about me screams "person looking to create Internet fame by orchestrating a fake food incident," but who knows? I mean, who would even think of such a specific thing as the finger from a rubber glove? If I wanted to make up a dramatic scenario, I think I'd find a cockroach. Or dogshit.

Finally, I don't want to become 'known' for this incident. The Internet works in strange ways—zeitgest!!—we never know what will really grab people. There's a chance that if I write about it, a few people will read it, comment "Gross!" and that'll be that. And this is the scenario I choose to envision. But there's also the possibility, however distant, that it would 'go viral' and get mad hitz, in which case, God forbid, I'd become "the guy who found a rubber glove in his salad." I would probably have to go on TV and stuff.

Still, this is hardly comparable to finding maggots in a Big Mac. In a way, though, it's even more upsetting, since this is a health-food product bought at Whole Foods, whereas if you eat at McDonald's, what do you expect? I felt so good about myself, buying my salad at Whole Foods with all the other nice-looking health freaks, but now what did I get in return? A rubber glove. And not even a whole one!

I'm going to head to Whole Foods as soon as I can (it's a 15-block walk and I recently hurt my foot), and when I do, you know what? I think I'll just return the salad and get my money back. That's all I want out of this. I think it'd be over the top to write about it and tell everyone. I'm going to keep it to myself.



Daniel Roberts is a magazine reporter in New York.

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]]> So I've been massively vacillating about whether or not to write about what I found in my Satur Farms salad box this week. (By the way, for those of you who are familiar with this brand, don't you always think it looks like Satur should be Saturn? Doesn't it seem like the 'n' was just left off as some sort of typo?)

Here is what happened: On Sunday, March 27, I bought a box of Satur Farms salad greens at Whole Foods and brought it home, only to find the finger from a rubber glove inside. It was unfortunate; I love Satur Farms products, and wish the company no ill will. I also do not blame Whole Foods in any way, as they don't make this product, but merely carry it. I've made a video of my experience (you'll find it below) but I don't know if I should write about it. I'm not sure I should announce that I found a rubber glove in my Satur Farms salad box. First of all, I wonder if I would be screwing myself out of some kind of restitution or reward. If I choose to do this quietly by sending a letter to the company, perhaps they will give me a lifetime supply of salad? If I write about it, then it's "out there" and they'd have no reason to send me anything. In fact, they'd probably just be pissed.

Then again, that first explanation presupposes an angry company that will be bitter and wish to argue with me. A second possibility, and the second reason I'm hesitant, is that it's a nice company, this was a rare accident (perfectly likely), and by writing about it, I'd be causing a 'shit storm' that may result in bad things for Satur Farms employees. I remember how the woman who claimed to find a finger in her Wendy's chili made a lot of trouble for Wendy's, and I wouldn't want anything like that to happen to Satur.

Speaking of that Wendy's faker, my third reason for feeling cautious about writing about this is the possibility that people might accuse me of making this up, as she did. I don't think anything about me screams "person looking to create Internet fame by orchestrating a fake food incident," but who knows? I mean, who would even think of such a specific thing as the finger from a rubber glove? If I wanted to make up a dramatic scenario, I think I'd find a cockroach. Or dogshit.

Finally, I don't want to become 'known' for this incident. The Internet works in strange ways—zeitgest!!—we never know what will really grab people. There's a chance that if I write about it, a few people will read it, comment "Gross!" and that'll be that. And this is the scenario I choose to envision. But there's also the possibility, however distant, that it would 'go viral' and get mad hitz, in which case, God forbid, I'd become "the guy who found a rubber glove in his salad." I would probably have to go on TV and stuff.

Still, this is hardly comparable to finding maggots in a Big Mac. In a way, though, it's even more upsetting, since this is a health-food product bought at Whole Foods, whereas if you eat at McDonald's, what do you expect? I felt so good about myself, buying my salad at Whole Foods with all the other nice-looking health freaks, but now what did I get in return? A rubber glove. And not even a whole one!

I'm going to head to Whole Foods as soon as I can (it's a 15-block walk and I recently hurt my foot), and when I do, you know what? I think I'll just return the salad and get my money back. That's all I want out of this. I think it'd be over the top to write about it and tell everyone. I'm going to keep it to myself.



Daniel Roberts is a magazine reporter in New York.

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57 comments

]]> http://www.theawl.com/2011/04/im-terribly-conflicted-about-whether-to-tell-you-what-i-found-in-my-satur-farms-salad-box-from-whole-foods/feed 57 Cooking the Books: Emily Gould and Tao Lin Make Raw Salad http://www.theawl.com/2010/10/cooking-the-books-emily-gould-and-tao-lin-make-raw-salad http://www.theawl.com/2010/10/cooking-the-books-emily-gould-and-tao-lin-make-raw-salad#comments Tue, 12 Oct 2010 14:30:22 +0000 Emily Gould http://www.theawl.com/2010/10/cooking-the-books-emily-gould-and-tao-lin-make-raw-salad
Today on Cooking the Books... Emily Gould learns how to make salad with Tao Lin, author of Richard Yates. And... well. Wow. Cooking the Books is directed by Valerie Temple and shot and edited by Andrew Gauthier. You can see all the Cooking the Books episodes here or even subscribe via iTunes. Previously: Jennifer Egan makes macaroons.
Just so many things about this

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Today on Cooking the Books... Emily Gould learns how to make salad with Tao Lin, author of Richard Yates. And... well. Wow. Cooking the Books is directed by Valerie Temple and shot and edited by Andrew Gauthier. You can see all the Cooking the Books episodes here or even subscribe via iTunes. Previously: Jennifer Egan makes macaroons.
Just so many things about this

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/10/cooking-the-books-emily-gould-and-tao-lin-make-raw-salad/feed 53 The Way We Date Other Eaters Of Salad Now http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/the-way-we-date-other-eaters-of-salad-now http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/the-way-we-date-other-eaters-of-salad-now#comments Wed, 15 Sep 2010 14:20:17 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/the-way-we-date-other-eaters-of-salad-now Now this is happening: "If you are looking for a 'salad soulmate,' all you have to do is create a free profile on saladmatch.com and your "best' mate will be selected based on 'which Just Salad location you frequent, when you frequent it, and what ingredients you love in your salad.' Similar to other online dating sites (eHarmony, Match.com, Zoosk.com), SaladMatch.com boasts a 'state-of-the-art matching algorithm" and guarantees your will have lunch or dinner tastes in common.'"

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]]> Now this is happening: "If you are looking for a 'salad soulmate,' all you have to do is create a free profile on saladmatch.com and your "best' mate will be selected based on 'which Just Salad location you frequent, when you frequent it, and what ingredients you love in your salad.' Similar to other online dating sites (eHarmony, Match.com, Zoosk.com), SaladMatch.com boasts a 'state-of-the-art matching algorithm" and guarantees your will have lunch or dinner tastes in common.'"

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]]> http://www.theawl.com/2010/09/the-way-we-date-other-eaters-of-salad-now/feed 21 How To Make A Dorito Salad http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/how-to-make-a-dorito-salad http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/how-to-make-a-dorito-salad#comments Tue, 17 Nov 2009 12:50:56 +0000 Alex Balk http://www.theawl.com/2009/11/how-to-make-a-dorito-salad
Skip ahead to the 1:50 mark on this video if you want to learn how to make a Dorito salad, but be warned: You will miss the brief discussion of such SEC-style haircuts as "'Bama bangs" and "the rape mullet." [Via]

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Skip ahead to the 1:50 mark on this video if you want to learn how to make a Dorito salad, but be warned: You will miss the brief discussion of such SEC-style haircuts as "'Bama bangs" and "the rape mullet." [Via]

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