When I saw the headline "The Saddest Christmas Card Ever" I thought it was going to be something like, "Daddy is wishing you a Merry Christmas from Heaven," but it turns out to be slightly less maudlin than that. Although, yes, it is still a little sad.

Knifecrime Island is now Frosty Prison Island, where none can leave their homes for fear of being glassed in the face and left in a snowdrift. To survive, "‘a large number' of elderly customers are snapping up hardbacks as cheap fuel for their fires and stoves." Yes. ENGLAND GRIPPED BY WIDE-SPREAD BOOK-BURNING FOR SURVIVAL. A good old-fashioned home book-burning party, how deluxe. The Guardian, somewhat offended, suggests alternatives, such as the burning of cow dung. Those liberals just want England's fine pensioners to face our fine American death panels.