Cherry-aoke

Dear Cherry-aoke,

What are the odds that you would ask this question after I did karaoke last night? Crazy. It's almost like you don't exist and I made up your question so that I would be able to talk about a pet topic.

So, one of the reasons that I am qualified to be an expert on karaoke etiquette is that I have in the past been a total psychotic abject failure of it. Yes: I have been that girl who ruins your birthday party by singing a song from Pippin when everyone else just wants to shout along to 'Baby Got Back.' I have also, in the past, snatched the mic out of people's hands because they were "doing it wrong" (sorry Pareene's girlfriend! You caught me on a really, really bad night).

But I've come to recognize the error of my ways, and if the rest of the karaoke-doing world could also come to realize the error of THEIR ways, we could meet halfway and come together in perfect, um. Well. Let's just work on melody for now, I don't want to get too ambitious.

So my problem is that I err on the side of being a total mic-hogging diva who refuses to read the mood of the room when selecting or performing her songs. This is Karaoke Person Type One. I actually have encountered worse examples of this type than myself! I was out with one of them recently. She has an amazing voice but seems not to understand that having an amazing voice is not the point of karaoke. She was halfway through that long-ass Nina Simone ballad about "Youuuuu kiss me, I hear the sound of mandolins," her second or possibly third song in a row, when someone said, "Uh, should we all just leave so that you can be alone with this song?" Exactly, and exactly what not to do. You must always keep in mind that you are performing for other people. It's ok to take pride in your performance, but an obvious and useful metaphor here is sex: you are having fun by making it possible for someone else to have fun, and if you're not, you might as well be doing it by yourself.

Also, long slow songs like that one are a huge faux pas unless you are an amazing master and you've perfected your French-Canadienne accent and are about to wow me with "It's All Coming Back To Me Now," because I've always fantasized about someone doing that. "There were nights of endless pahleahhsshure!"

Karaoke Person Type Two is the opposite of type one: the timid shy karaoke flower who needs the moral support of two or three friends in order to shout the lyrics of 'Like A Virgin' into the microphone with her back to the audience, giggling. No. No! Commit. Commit or go home. If you don't enjoy getting up onstage by yourself and singing in front of people, maybe karaoke is not for you and you should consider an alternative activity, such as: Anything besides karaoke. I understand it's your first time and you're scared, but you'll never get used to the temperature of the water by dipping your toe in. Be brave and relax and for God's sake, face the audience. You know the words!

But actually please avoid that song, or anything else from the Immaculate Collection. Also please avoid:

· Rapping unless you know every single word and can nail it. Rap fail is the worst to watch. Rap success is amazing to watch, especially when a cute girl dominates 'I'm a Flirt' or some such. No one in the history of time has ever succeeded at the rap part of 'Waterfalls' except Lisa Left Eye Lopez and she's dead, so.

· Chumbawamba

· 'Stay,' unless you are ok with everyone singing along. Seriously, it's shocking: Burly muscular tattooed crustpunks will totally belt "keep me cause you know you're just so scared to looooose." Ditto 'What's Up' (4 Non Blondes), which makes me sad because it used to seem like this was my exclusive jam. I guess it's ok that it's not anymore, though, because it is a little sad to have to be like "Twenty-seven years of my life and still, trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination."

· Songs from musicals unless it is a safe space for that. Know your audience. If there are more than five heterosexual men in the room, limit yourself to 'Hunger Strike' and Weezer (stealth gayness).

· Songs no one knows.

· Creed.

· Britney, unless you have a vocoder implanted in your chest.

There are probably more rules that I could think of but I drank bubble tea cocktails last night (why??) and it's time for me to put my head down on my desk for a while.

Previously: Making Plans, Selling Out and the Prisoner's Dilemma of Friendship Communication.

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