The New York Post looks at the top-selling items at the Riker's Island commissary, where inmates "might get shanked — but they're never gouged." Leading the list of purchases: ramen noodles, the seasoning package of which is used to enhance other jailhouse fare. What else sells? Processed meat products and pastries are popular, apparently. "Perhaps the last words one wants to hear in the pokey are 'beef stick' or 'honey bun,' but those two snacks have both been staples of the inmate diet for decades, officials said." There are cosmetics on offer too! "Soap is a big seller at the commissaries. Alas, it doesn't come on a rope." [...]

Dear TMZ,

Your recent email blast of this morning? The one headlined "TMZ EXCLUSIVE: Balloon Dad — Don't Worry About Dropping Soap," which begins "Richard Heene won't have to worry about the "shower situation" in lockdown — TMZ has learned dude will get to shower alone"? This suggests that you require some forcible reeducation. (Particularly as you are an outfit with a gay man in charge.) We hereby sentence you to read the Human Rights Watch paper on prison rape and also to get, for the office, a guest speaker from Just Detention International. Here, you can read testimony from people who have been raped in [...]